Use a shared, co-created vision for the future, not just drifting along and hoping you end up in the same place.
The Two Rowboats
Two people in a relationship with no shared vision are like two people in separate rowboats. You might be on the same beautiful lake, and you might even be rowing in the same general direction for a while, but eventually, the currents will pull you apart. A shared, co-created vision is the act of deciding to get into the same rowboat. You now have a shared destination on the map, and you are both putting your oars in the water, in rhythm, pulling together toward the same beautiful, distant shore.
Stop assuming you and your partner want the same things out of life. Do have explicit, detailed conversations.
The Two Different Vacation Brochures
You and your partner are both secretly, and separately, collecting vacation brochures for the “rest of your life” trip. Your brochure might be for a quiet, predictable life in a cabin in the woods. Theirs might be for an adventurous, nomadic life of sailing around the world. If you just assume you both have the same brochure, you are going to be in for a massive shock on the first day of your permanent vacation. You have to have the explicit conversation where you put your brochures on the table and design a new, shared trip, together.
Stop being afraid to talk about marriage and kids early on. Do see it as a way to filter for compatibility, not as a pressure tactic.
The Destination on the Boarding Pass
Not talking about your big life goals early on is like getting on an airplane with someone without first checking if your boarding passes have the same destination. You might have a fun flight, and the company might be great, but it is not a “pressure tactic” to make sure that you are not on a flight to Tokyo when you want to go to Paris. It is a smart, logical, and necessary act of due diligence that saves you both the immense heartache of landing in the wrong city.
The #1 secret for a relationship that is future-proof is a shared commitment to individual and collective growth.
The Two Rock Climbers
A future-proof relationship is like two skilled rock climbers who are tied together on a difficult ascent. The secret to their success is two-fold. First, they are both individually committed to getting stronger, to improving their own technique, and to becoming better climbers. Second, they are collectively committed to the team’s success—they communicate clearly, they trust each other’s belay, and they are always looking out for each other. You cannot have a successful team climb without both individual excellence and a collective commitment.
I’m just going to say it: If you don’t have a plan for your relationship, you are planning for it to fail.
The Un-Planted Garden
A relationship with no plan is a beautiful, fertile plot of land where you have just thrown a handful of seeds and are now just hoping a beautiful garden will magically grow. But without a plan for watering, for weeding, and for protecting the young plants, the garden will be overrun by chaos and neglect. It will fail. A plan is not a rigid set of rules; it is the conscious, intentional act of being a gardener who shows up every day to lovingly and purposefully cultivate the beautiful future you want to grow.
The reason you’re not moving forward in your relationship is because one or both of you is ambivalent about the future.
The Car with One Foot on the Brake
An ambivalent relationship is a car with two drivers, where one of them has their foot pressed firmly on the gas, and the other has their foot pressed lightly on the brake. The car will jerk forward, it will make a lot of noise, and it will burn a lot of fuel, but it will never actually get up to speed. You are not moving forward because you are being actively, and often silently, held back by the powerful counter-force of ambivalence. You have to both agree to take your foot off the brake.
If you’re still avoiding the “where is this going?” conversation after a year, you’re losing valuable time.
The Unlabeled Train
Avoiding the “where is this going?” talk is like being on a train for a very long time, having a wonderful time with the person in the seat next to you, but being too afraid to ask the conductor what the train’s final destination is. You are just hoping it is the same as yours. But every single minute you spend on a train that is heading in the wrong direction is a minute of your one, precious life that you will never get back. You have to have the courage to ask where the train is going.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about relationships is that they should just “unfold naturally”; great relationships are built with intention.
The Wild Field vs. The Botanical Garden
A relationship that just “unfolds naturally” is a wild, overgrown field. It might have a few beautiful wildflowers, but it will also be full of weeds, thorns, and chaos. A great, lasting relationship is a botanical garden. It is a thing of beauty, of order, and of magnificent design. And it does not happen “naturally.” It is the result of a master gardener who has a clear vision, who has a detailed plan, and who shows up every single day to do the intentional, and sometimes difficult, work of cultivating that beauty.
I wish I knew the importance of having aligned life goals when I was in my first long-term relationship.
The Two Different Mountains
In my first serious relationship, I didn’t realize that we were two hikers who were trying to climb two completely different mountains. I was trying to climb the mountain of “Creative Adventure,” and he was trying to climb the mountain of “Corporate Security.” We were both good hikers, and we loved each other, but we were fundamentally heading in two different directions. The relationship ended, not because of a lack of love, but because of an irreconcilable difference in the direction of our ascent.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they plan their future: they talk about what they want, but not why they want it.
The Destination vs. The Motivation
Talking about what you want is like agreeing on a destination for a road trip. “We both want to go to the beach.” That is a good start. But the “why” is the motivation for the trip. One of you might want to go to the beach to have a wild, loud, party-filled spring break. The other might want to go to the beach to have a quiet, solitary, and meditative retreat. If you don’t talk about the “why,” you will be on the same beach, but you will be having two completely different, and likely conflicting, vacations.
This one small habit of having an annual “relationship review and dream session” will change the trajectory of your future together.
The Company’s Annual Retreat
A great company will always have an annual retreat where the leaders get away from the daily grind to review the past year and to dream big about the future. Your relationship is the most important company you will ever run. An annual dream session is your off-site retreat. It is the protected time to celebrate your wins, to learn from your losses, and to get out the big, blank whiteboard of your future and to excitedly, and collaboratively, start drawing the blueprint for the amazing year you are about to build, together.
Use a “dream board” for your life together. Stop keeping your biggest dreams to yourself.
The Architectural Blueprint
A shared dream board is the beautiful, visual, architectural blueprint for the future house you want to build together. It is easy, in the day-to-day chaos of life, to forget what you are building. It is easy to get lost in the laying of the bricks and the pouring of the concrete. Your shared dream board is the thing you can both look at every single morning to remind yourselves, “Ah yes, this is the magnificent, sun-drenched, joyful cathedral that we are working so hard to create. Let’s go lay some more bricks.”
Stop letting your fear of the future prevent you from making commitments in the present. Do take the next logical step.
The Dark Staircase
Committing to a future with someone can feel like you are at the bottom of a dark, and very long, staircase, and you are being asked to jump to the very top. It is terrifying. But you are not being asked to jump. You are just being asked to take one, single, well-lit step. You don’t have to see the entire staircase to take the next logical step. You just have to have enough trust to take your partner’s hand and to walk up one more stair with them, into the darkness.
Stop making assumptions about your partner’s career ambitions. Do have a conversation about how you will support each other through promotions, job changes, and setbacks.
The Two Separate Career Ladders
Too many couples act like they are climbing two completely separate career ladders, in two separate buildings. But in a real partnership, your two ladders are leaning against the same wall. Your partner’s success, or their failure, will inevitably shake your ladder, and vice versa. You have to have the conversation about how you will act as each other’s spotter. How will you hold the ladder steady when they are reaching for a high rung? How will you catch them if they fall?
The #1 hack for a relationship where you feel like you’re building an empire together is to have a shared project.
The Two Builders
A shared project is the act of deciding to build something tangible together. It can be a garden, a business, or a piece of furniture. It transforms you from two people who just co-exist in a house into two active builders, with a shared blueprint and a common goal. The act of collaborating, of solving problems, and of creating something new in the world that was not there before, is the thing that will make you feel less like roommates and more like the powerful, co-CEOs of your own, small empire.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as aligned on your core values as you think you are.
The Two Different Compasses
Your core values are the internal, magnetic compass that guides all of your life’s decisions. You and your partner might both be wonderful, well-intentioned sailors. But if your compass is permanently pointed towards “Adventure,” and theirs is permanently pointed towards “Security,” you are going to be in a constant, and ultimately unwinnable, battle for control of the ship’s steering wheel. You are navigating with two fundamentally different, and conflicting, instruments.
The reason you’re having so much recurring conflict is because you have a fundamental difference in your values (e.g., security vs. adventure).
The Two Different Operating Systems
A recurring conflict is often not about the surface issue; it is about the two different, and incompatible, operating systems that are running underneath. You are both trying to run the same software of your relationship, but one of you is a Mac, and the other is a PC. The programs will constantly be crashing, not because the software is bad, but because the two operating systems are based on a different, fundamental logic. You are not arguing about the software; you are arguing about the code.
If you’re still not talking about your core values, you’re losing the chance to build a life with a truly compatible partner.
The Foundation of the House
Your shared values are the concrete foundation of the house of your relationship. You can have the most beautiful architecture, the most exquisite furniture, and the most stunning paint colors, but if you have built your beautiful house on two separate, and shifting, slabs of concrete, the entire structure will eventually crack and crumble. The conversation about values is the un-sexy, but absolutely critical, work of making sure you are pouring one, single, solid, and shared foundation.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about compatibility is that it’s about having the same hobbies; it’s about having the same vision for life.
The Road Trip
Shared hobbies are the fun songs you listen to on a road trip. A shared vision for life is the destination on the map and the type of car you are driving in. It is great if you both like the same music. But if you are trying to drive a minivan to the Grand Canyon, and your partner is trying to drive a sports car to Las Vegas, you are not going to have a successful trip. You can always change the radio station, but it is very difficult to change the destination.
I wish I knew that compatibility of values was the most important predictor of long-term success when I was dating.
The Two Different Trees
I used to think that compatibility was about finding a tree that had the same kind of leaves as me. I was focused on the superficial interests. I wish I had known that the most important thing is not the leaves, but the roots. You have to find a tree that has a root system that is compatible with your own. Do you both need deep, stable roots of security? Or do you both have shallow, adventurous roots that are happy to move to a new forest? The roots are everything.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they talk about having kids: they don’t discuss the nitty-gritty of their parenting philosophies beforehand.
The Unwritten Business Plan
Deciding to have a baby is like deciding to launch a new, 24-hour, no-profit business with a co-founder, and you are both locked in for a minimum of 18 years. The mistake most people make is that they just decide to launch the business without ever actually sitting down to write the business plan. You have to have the nitty-gritty conversation about the budget (discipline), the marketing plan (schooling), and the company culture (values), before you open your doors for business.
This one small action of talking about how you’ll handle discipline, screen time, and chores before you have kids will prevent years of fighting.
The Pre-Flight Checklist
Before a pilot takes off, they go through a detailed, and sometimes tedious, pre-flight checklist. They do this to ensure that they have anticipated and agreed upon a plan for all of the potential challenges of the flight. The pre-baby conversation about your parenting philosophies is your pre-flight checklist. It might seem overly cautious, but this one, single, detailed conversation will save you from the terrifying, mid-air chaos of trying to figure out how to fly the plane in the middle of a storm.
Use a pre-baby “relationship bootcamp.” Stop thinking that only preparing the nursery is enough.
The Two Soldiers
Preparing for a baby by only setting up the nursery is like two soldiers who are preparing for a long and difficult military campaign by only decorating their barracks. It is nice, but it is not the essential preparation. A pre-baby “relationship bootcamp” is the real training. It is where you and your co-soldier get your bodies and your minds in shape, where you learn to communicate under pressure, and where you develop the skills you will actually need to survive the beautiful, and brutal, battle of parenthood.
Stop assuming that you’ll both naturally fall into parenting roles you’re happy with. Do have explicit conversations about expectations.
The Two Actors with No Script
Not talking about your parenting role expectations is like pushing two actors onto a stage, in front of a live audience, with no script, and just hoping they will naturally perform a beautiful, coherent play. It will be a chaotic, and likely terrible, improv show. You have to have the conversation before the curtain goes up. You have to sit down together and actually write the script. Who is the lead? Who is the supporting actor? What are your lines?
Stop letting the societal pressure for a “perfect family” dictate your choices. Do create a family that is authentic to you.
The Store-Bought Costume
The “perfect family” is a generic, store-bought, one-size-fits-all costume that society tries to get you to wear. It rarely fits, it is often uncomfortable, and it is not you. You have to have the courage to take off that itchy, plastic costume and to design your own, custom-made outfit. Your authentic family might look a little weird, it might be unconventional, but it will be a beautiful, comfortable, and perfect fit for the unique people who are actually wearing it.
The #1 secret for a relationship that can handle the transition to parenthood is to lower your expectations for everything else in your life for the first year.
The Hurricane
The first year of parenthood is a hurricane. A beautiful, magical, and terrifying hurricane that completely rearranges the entire landscape of your life. The #1 secret to surviving a hurricane is not to try and keep your lawn perfectly manicured while it is raging. It is to let go of all of your old expectations. You must lower your standards for your house, your career, your social life, and your body. Your only job is to hold on to each other and to ride out the beautiful, chaotic storm, together.
I’m just going to say it: Having a baby will change your relationship dramatically, and you need to be prepared for it to be very difficult at times.
The Beautiful Demolition
Having a baby is like a beautiful, joyful, and much-wanted demolition crew that shows up, without warning, and completely demolishes the quiet, orderly, and well-designed house of your old relationship. And then, in the rubble, you have to try and build a brand new, completely different, and much more chaotic house, while you are both profoundly sleep-deprived. It will, at times, be the most difficult and stressful construction project of your entire life.
The reason new parents are so unhappy is because they’ve stopped prioritizing their identity as a couple.
The Two Co-Workers
When a baby arrives, it is easy for the two lovers to be replaced by two exhausted, and very efficient, co-workers. Your entire life becomes about the 24-hour business of keeping a tiny, and very demanding, new boss alive. You have meetings about logistics, you divide the labor, but you forget that you are not just business partners. The reason you are unhappy is that you have stopped being the two people who fell in love and decided to start a company, and you have just become two of its employees.
If you’re still not scheduling and protecting couple time after the baby is born, you’re losing your connection.
The Oxygen in the Room
The connection between you and your partner is the oxygen in the room of your family. The demands of a new baby can feel so overwhelming that it feels like the baby is using up all the available oxygen. If you do not consciously and intentionally open a window and pump new, fresh air of “couple time” into that room, you will both slowly and surely suffocate. It is not a luxury; it is the essential, life-giving element that you both need to survive.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about parenthood is that it will complete you; it’s a part of you, not the whole of you.
The New Room in Your House
Parenthood is not the magical key that will finally unlock the door to your own, personal sense of completeness. It is not a savior. It is a brand new, beautiful, chaotic, and all-consuming new room that has been built onto the side of your already-existing house. It is a wonderful and important room, but it is not the whole house. You are still the same, complex person, with all of your own dreams, fears, and needs, and you still have to live in all the other rooms of your own house.
I wish I knew that it was okay to mourn my old, child-free life after I had a baby when I was a new mom.
The Old, Beloved Country
Having a baby is like emigrating to a brand new, and wonderful, country. You are excited to be in this new land, and you have chosen to be here. But it is also okay to sometimes feel a deep, nostalgic grief for the beautiful, familiar, and beloved old country that you have left behind forever. Mourning the loss of your old, spontaneous, and quiet life does not mean you are not a grateful citizen of your new one. It just means that you are human.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their finances: they have no long-term financial plan.
The Car with No Destination
A couple with no financial plan is like a couple who is driving a car with a full tank of gas, but with no map and no destination. You are moving, but you are not heading anywhere in particular. You are just driving aimlessly until you run out of gas. A financial plan is the map. It is the conscious, intentional act of deciding where you want to go together, and of plotting the most efficient and effective route to get there.
This one small habit of having a monthly, no-shame “money date” to review your budget and goals will change your financial future.
The Monthly Business Meeting
A monthly “money date” is the regular, non-emotional business meeting that you and your co-CEO have to review the finances of your company. It is not a time for blame or for shame. It is a calm, logical, and forward-looking meeting where you look at the data, you track your progress towards your goals, and you make any necessary adjustments to your strategy. This one, simple meeting will transform your finances from a source of conflict into a collaborative and empowering team project.
Use a fee-only financial advisor to help you plan for your future. Stop just getting random advice from family.
The Professional Architect
Asking your family for financial advice is like asking your well-meaning, but amateur, uncle to design the blueprint for your dream house. He might have some good ideas, but he is not a professional. A fee-only financial advisor is a licensed, professional architect. They have the training, the tools, and the unbiased expertise to help you design a solid, beautiful, and structurally sound financial house that will actually be able to withstand the storms of the future.
Stop letting money be a taboo topic. Do have open and honest conversations about your financial histories, habits, and goals.
The Un-Talked-About Health Problem
Not talking about money in a relationship is like having a serious, but un-talked-about, health problem. You are both aware of it, you are both worried about it, but you are both too afraid to bring it up. This silence does not make the problem go away; it just allows the disease of financial stress to grow and to metastasize in the dark, until it is a terminal, relationship-ending illness. You have to be brave enough to turn on the lights and to have an honest consultation about your financial health.
Stop hiding debt or bad financial habits from your partner. Do come clean and create a plan to tackle it as a team.
The Leaky Pipe in the Wall
A hidden debt is a leaky pipe that you have concealed behind a wall. You might think you are protecting your partner from the problem, but the water is still dripping, and it is causing silent, and very expensive, structural damage to the house you are both living in. The only way to fix the problem is to have the courage to open up the wall, to reveal the leak, and to ask your partner to help you fix the plumbing, together.
The #1 hack for a financially secure future as a couple is to automate your savings and investments.
The Automatic Water Collection System
Trying to save money by relying on your own, moment-to-moment willpower is like trying to fill a giant water tank by remembering to put a bucket outside every time it rains. You will forget. Automating your savings is like installing a sophisticated, automatic rainwater collection system on your roof. You no longer have to think about it. Every time it “rains” (every time you get paid), your system automatically collects and diverts a portion of that water into your savings tank, silently and effortlessly filling your reserves for the future.
I’m just going to say it: You and your partner have fundamentally different “money personalities,” and you need to understand them.
The Two Different Languages
Your “money personality” is the language you speak when it comes to finances. You might be a “saver,” and your native language is “security.” Your partner might be a “spender,” and their native language is “enjoyment.” You are fighting about money because you are speaking two different languages. You must have the humility to learn each other’s language. You have to understand that when your partner says “vacation,” they are not being irresponsible; they are just saying “I love you” in their native tongue.
The reason you’re fighting about money is because money is never just about money; it’s about security, freedom, and power.
The Tip of the Iceberg
A fight about money is never about the money itself. The dollar amount is just the small, visible tip of the iceberg. The massive, hidden, and much more dangerous block of ice that is submerged just below the surface is what the fight is really about. It is about your deep, and often conflicting, childhood stories about what money means. It is about your need for security, your desire for freedom, your fear of scarcity. You have to be willing to look below the waterline.
If you’re still not on the same page about your financial future, you’re losing the power of compound interest and a unified strategy.
The Two Horses and the One Plow
You and your partner are two strong horses that are meant to be pulling the same plow in the same direction. If you are not on the same page, it is like you have tied your two horses to the opposite ends of the plow, and you are pulling in two different directions. You will be working very hard, but you will just be digging a big, messy hole in the ground. You are losing the incredible, compounding power that comes from two strong horses, pulling together, in a single, unified direction.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about money in a relationship is that love is enough to overcome financial incompatibility.
The Two Different Operating Systems
Love is the beautiful, high-tech software that you want to run in your relationship. But if you and your partner have fundamentally different “money operating systems”—if one of you is a Mac and the other is a PC—the software of your love will constantly be crashing. It doesn’t matter how great the software is. If the two underlying, and incompatible, operating systems are at war with each other, the program will not run.
I wish I knew how to talk about money with my partner without it turning into a fight about our values when I was a young adult.
The Business Meeting
I used to think that a conversation about money had to be an emotional, high-stakes battle over our deeply held values. I wish I had known that it could be a calm, logical, and unemotional business meeting. We learned to sit down at the kitchen table, not as two passionate lovers, but as two rational, and respectful, co-CEOs of a small company. We looked at the spreadsheets, we analyzed the data, and we made a strategic plan. By taking the emotion out of it, we were finally able to solve the problem.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they are buying a house together: they don’t discuss what happens if they break up.
The Prenup for Your House
Buying a house with someone is a massive financial and legal merger. Not discussing what will happen if you break up is like two companies merging without an exit clause in the contract. It is a recipe for a catastrophic, and very expensive, disaster down the road. You must have the uncomfortable, but absolutely essential, “prenup for your house” conversation before you sign the papers. It is not a sign of a lack of faith; it is a sign of being a smart, and responsible, business partner.
This one small action of getting on the same page about your budget and non-negotiables before you start looking will make the house-hunting process much easier.
The Shared Shopping List
Going house-hunting without a shared, pre-agreed upon list of non-negotiables is like going to the grocery store with no shopping list. You will be overwhelmed by all the choices, you will be tempted by the flashy, expensive items you don’t need, and you will inevitably get into an argument in the middle of the cereal aisle. Sitting down and creating your shared list beforehand is the act of becoming a unified, strategic team. It will save you from the chaotic, and stressful, world of the real estate supermarket.
Use a shared vision for your home’s atmosphere, not just one person making all the design decisions.
The Two Different Interior Designers
If one person makes all the design decisions for a new home, it will be like living in a beautiful museum that has been perfectly curated to one person’s taste. The other person will feel like a respectful, but slightly uncomfortable, visitor in that museum. A true home is not a museum; it is a collage. It is the beautiful, and sometimes quirky, result of two different artists, with two different styles, who have found a way to blend their two, unique visions onto one, shared canvas.
Stop letting the stress of a major purchase like a house make you turn on each other. Do remember that you’re on the same team.
The Two Soldiers in the Foxhole
The stress of a major purchase is the enemy army that is firing on your position. It is easy, in the chaos of the battle, to start to see your partner, who is in the foxhole with you, as the enemy. But they are not the source of the gunfire. They are your only ally. You must consciously turn your fire away from each other and toward the real threat—the paperwork, the deadlines, the negotiations. You must remember that you are on the same team, and that your survival depends on you fighting together.
Stop thinking about your “dream house.” Do focus on creating a home together that feels like a sanctuary.
The Perfect House vs. The Real Home
A “dream house” is a perfect, flawless, and ultimately imaginary building. A “home” is a real, imperfect, and living entity. It is the feeling of safety, of comfort, and of belonging that you create within the four walls of a building. You can be miserable in a perfect dream house, and you can be deliriously happy in a small, imperfect apartment. Stop chasing the fantasy of a perfect building, and start focusing on the real, and much more important, work of creating a sanctuary, together.
The #1 secret for a relationship that is constantly evolving is to never assume you have it all figured out.
The Finished Book
It is easy, in a long-term relationship, to think that you have read the book of your partner from cover to cover. You think you know the whole story. But your partner is not a finished book. They are a living author who is writing a new, surprising chapter every single day. A relationship that is constantly evolving is one where both partners have the humility and the curiosity to wake up every morning, to look at the author they are living with, and to ask, with genuine interest, “What did you write today?”
I’m just going to say it: If your relationship isn’t growing, it’s slowly dying.
The Stagnant Pond
A relationship that is not growing is a stagnant pond. It might feel calm and predictable, but without any fresh water of new experiences or new learning flowing in, the water will become murky, the oxygen will disappear, and all the vibrant life within it will slowly die. A growing relationship is a flowing river. It is constantly moving, it is carving new paths, and it is full of the fresh, oxygenated water that is necessary for life to thrive.
The reason you’re bored in your relationship is because you’ve stopped taking risks together.
The Paved Sidewalk vs. The Hiking Trail
A relationship without any risks is like a perfectly flat, paved, and predictable sidewalk. It is safe, it is easy, but it is also profoundly boring. Taking a small risk together—trying a new hobby, traveling to an unfamiliar place—is like consciously deciding to step off the sidewalk and onto a hiking trail in the woods. It might be a little bit scary, it might be a little bit uncomfortable, but it is also the only place where you will find a beautiful view and a sense of shared adventure.
If you’re still not learning new things together, you’re losing a sense of shared discovery.
The Two Explorers
A great relationship is like two explorers who are on a lifelong expedition to discover a new continent. Learning new things together is the act of exploring that continent. You are discovering new landscapes, you are learning new languages, you are encountering new challenges, as a team. If you stop exploring, you will just be two people who are sitting in a comfortable, but ultimately boring, tent at the basecamp. The thrill is in the shared journey of discovery.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about a long-term relationship is that it should be “comfortable”; it should be a place of safety, but also of challenge.
The Comfy Couch vs. The Gym
A relationship should be a safe and comfortable place, like a comfy couch that you can sink into. But if you only ever sit on the couch, your muscles will atrophy and you will become weak. A great relationship is also like a gym. It is a safe and supportive environment where your partner, like a great personal trainer, lovingly challenges you to lift a heavier weight, to run a little bit faster, and to become a stronger version of yourself than you ever thought possible.
I wish I knew that a little bit of healthy tension and challenge was good for a relationship when I was a newlywed.
The String on a Violin
I used to think that a perfect relationship should have no tension at all. I thought it should be like a loose, slack string on a violin. But a slack string cannot make any music. The beautiful, resonant sound of a violin is only created when the string is pulled tight, with just the right amount of tension. A little bit of healthy, challenging tension in a relationship is what creates the “music” of growth, of passion, and of a truly interesting and beautiful life together.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they get into a routine: they stop being intentional about creating romance.
The Automatic Car Wash
A relationship routine can be like an automatic car wash. It is efficient, it is predictable, and it gets the basic job done. But it is also a completely mindless, and passionless, experience. You are just passively sitting there while the machine does its work. Intentional romance is the act of deciding to wash the car by hand, together, in the driveway on a sunny day. It is less efficient, it is messier, but it is also an opportunity for connection, for laughter, and for a shared, playful experience.
This one small habit of asking “what’s one thing we can do to make our relationship even better this week?” will change your future.
The Kaizen of Love
In Japanese business, the concept of “Kaizen” is the philosophy of constant, small, incremental improvements. Asking this one question each week is the Kaizen of your relationship. You are not trying to do a massive, dramatic overhaul. You are just looking for one, small, 1% improvement. But the compounding effect of making your relationship 1% better, every single week, will, over the course of a year, lead to a profound, and almost unrecognizable, positive transformation.
Use a shared “bucket list” of travel, skills, and experiences you want to have together. Stop just living day-to-day.
The Shared Treasure Map
Living day-to-day without a shared vision is like being two sailors on a ship with no map. You are just drifting. A shared bucket list is a treasure map. It is a beautiful, exciting, and co-created document that is full of all the amazing islands, the hidden treasures, and the thrilling adventures you both want to have. It gives your journey a purpose, a direction, and a shared sense of excitement. It transforms you from two aimless drifters into two adventurous treasure hunters.
Stop letting your relationship run on autopilot. Do take the wheel and steer it with intention.
The Autopilot
Letting your relationship run on autopilot feels easy, but it is also dangerous. The autopilot can handle the calm, straight stretches, but it is not equipped to handle the unexpected storms or the necessary course corrections. If you are not paying attention, you will wake up one day and realize you have drifted thousands of miles off course, or that you are heading directly towards a mountain. You and your partner must be two conscious, and intentional, pilots, with your hands firmly on the wheel.
Stop being afraid of outgrowing your partner. Do commit to growing together.
The Two Boats
Being afraid of outgrowing your partner is like being the captain of a small boat who is afraid to sail out of the harbor because you are worried your boat might become more seaworthy than your partner’s boat. A better approach is to commit to being two master shipbuilders. You are not just two captains; you are two people who are constantly helping each other to add new sails, to patch the leaks, and to build a bigger, better, and more resilient vessel, together.
The #1 hack for a relationship that is full of excitement is to plan surprises for each other.
The Predictable Script
A relationship without surprises is a play where both of the actors know all of the lines by heart. There is no suspense, there is no novelty, and there is no excitement. A small, thoughtful surprise—a favorite snack, a planned date night—is like an unscripted, improvised line that is suddenly thrown into the play. It is a moment of delightful, unexpected novelty that breaks the monotony and reminds you both that your story is still being written.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not dreaming big enough for your life together.
The Small Potted Plant
Too many couples are like a magnificent, and potentially giant, redwood tree that has been confined to a small, ceramic pot. You have limited your vision for your life together to what can fit inside the small, safe, and predictable container of social expectations. But you are not a potted plant; you are a redwood tree. You have to have the courage to break the pot, to plant yourselves in the rich soil of your biggest dreams, and to see just how tall you can grow, together.
The reason your future feels so uncertain is because you’re not actively co-creating it.
The Two Sculptors
The future is a giant, un-carved block of marble. If you and your partner are just standing there, staring at it, it will feel overwhelming and uncertain. That is because you are being passive observers. You must be two active sculptors. You must pick up your hammers and your chisels, you must have a shared vision for the statue you want to create, and you must start the active, collaborative, and exciting work of carving your future into existence, together.
If you’re still not talking about the legacy you want to leave as a couple, you’re losing the chance to live a life of shared meaning.
The Two Small Houses vs. The Cathedral
A life that is only focused on your own, individual happiness is like two people who have each built their own, comfortable, but ultimately insignificant, small house. A legacy is the act of deciding to use your combined skills and resources to build a magnificent, beautiful, and awe-inspiring cathedral that will stand long after you are gone. It gives your partnership a purpose that is bigger than your own, individual comfort. It transforms your small, separate houses into a shared, sacred project.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about the future is that it’s something that happens to you; it’s something you build.
The Weather vs. The House
The future is not like the weather—an unpredictable and uncontrollable force that just happens to you. The future is like a house. It is a structure that you must consciously, and intentionally, design and build, brick by brick, with the choices you make today. The weather might affect your construction schedule, but you are the architects and the builders of your own life. You are not just a victim of the forecast; you are the creator of the shelter.
I wish I knew that we could create any future we wanted, and didn’t have to follow a conventional path, when I was younger.
The Pre-Paved Road vs. The Machete
I used to think that the future was a pre-paved road that we had to follow, a conventional path that had already been laid out for us. I wish I had known that the future is actually a dense, wild, and uncharted jungle, and that we have been handed a machete. We did not have to stay on anyone else’s road. We had the power, the freedom, and the responsibility to hack our own, unique, and adventurous path through the jungle, together.
99% of people make this one mistake when they think about their future: they focus on what they want to have, not who they want to be.
The Shopping List vs. The Compass
Focusing on what you want to “have” in the future is like making a giant, materialistic shopping list. It is a list of external acquisitions. But focusing on who you want to “be” is like creating a compass. It is about defining your true north, your core values, your character. A shopping list can be stolen or lost. But a compass is an internal, unbreakable instrument that can guide you through any store, and through any storm, and can always point you in the direction of your most authentic life.
This one small action of defining your shared values as a couple will be your compass for all future decisions.
The North Star
Your shared values are the North Star for the ship of your relationship. When you are sailing in the calm, sunny, and easy waters of daily life, you might not need to look at it. But when you find yourselves in the middle of a dark, stormy, and disorienting sea of a difficult decision, with no land in sight, that one, single, unchangeable point of light in the sky is the only thing that will allow you to get your bearings and to confidently steer your ship in the right direction.
Use a “five-year plan” for your relationship, not just for your career.
The Business Plan for Your Heart
You would never start a serious business without a five-year plan. You would have goals, you would have milestones, you would have a vision. Your relationship is the most important and long-term business you will ever be in. A five-year relationship plan is not unromantic; it is the act of being a smart, and dedicated, co-CEO of your own heart. It is the conscious decision to treat the future of your love with at least as much care and strategic planning as you treat the future of your job.
Stop letting your past relationship failures dictate your future possibilities. Do create a new story for your relationship.
The Old, Worn-Out Map
Your past relationship failures are an old, torn, and inaccurate map of a dangerous land. If you continue to use that old map to navigate your new relationship, you will be constantly terrified, you will be expecting monsters behind every tree, and you will be unable to see the beautiful, safe, and new landscape that is actually in front of you. You have to have the courage to burn the old, scary map, and to start drawing a new, hopeful, and accurate one, based on the real territory of your present love.
Stop being so focused on the future destination that you forget to enjoy the journey together now. Do practice being present.
The Destination Obsessed Traveler
Being too focused on the future is like being a traveler who is so obsessed with getting to the destination that they spend the entire, beautiful, and scenic road trip with their head buried in the map, constantly asking “are we there yet?” They are missing the whole point. The joy is not just in the destination; it is in the silly conversations, the beautiful scenery, and the shared snacks along the way. You have to be willing to look up from the map and to enjoy the beautiful, imperfect road you are on, right now.
The #1 secret for a relationship that gets better with time is to never stop being curious about each other.
The Familiar Book
In a long-term relationship, it is easy to feel like you have read the book of your partner so many times that you have it memorized. But your partner is not a book; they are a living, breathing library, and new books are being added to the shelves every single year. A curious partner is the one who, even after twenty years, still walks into that library with a sense of wonder, excited to discover a new, unread volume that they have never seen before.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably investing more time in your fantasy football league than in your relationship’s future.
The Investment Portfolio
Your relationship is the most important, and potentially highest-yield, long-term investment you will ever have. Your fantasy football league is a fun, but ultimately low-stakes, speculative stock. It is a sobering exercise to actually track the hours you spend researching your stocks (your hobbies) versus the hours you spend in deep, strategic planning with your partner about how to grow your most valuable asset. You must be the active, and dedicated, fund manager of your own love.
The reason your relationship is on shaky ground is because you haven’t built a solid foundation of shared dreams.
The House Built on Sand
A relationship that is only based on the chemistry and the fun of the present moment is a beautiful, but temporary, house that has been built on the sand. The first big wave of a real-life challenge will wash it all away. A solid foundation of shared, long-term dreams is the deep, and sometimes difficult, work of digging into the bedrock of your shared values and pouring a solid, concrete foundation. It is the only thing that will allow your beautiful house to withstand the inevitable storms.
If you’re still not prioritizing your relationship’s future, you’re losing your most valuable long-term investment.
The 401(k) of Your Heart
Your relationship is the 401(k) of your heart. In your 20s and 30s, it is easy to neglect it. The daily contributions of time and attention seem small, and the payoff seems like it is a long way away. But if you do not make those small, consistent investments now, you will arrive at your emotional retirement in your 60s and 70s and you will be shocked to discover that your account is empty. The magical, compounding interest of love only works if you start investing, early and consistently.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about the future is that you have plenty of time to get serious about it later.
The Garden
The lie is that your relationship is a mature, and indestructible, old tree that you can just ignore for a decade and it will be fine. The truth is that your relationship is a delicate, and demanding, garden. If you do not show up to water it and to pull the weeds every single day, you will not have a garden in a decade. You will have a dead, and overgrown, patch of dirt. The future of your garden is being determined by the small, daily actions you are taking, or not taking, today.
I wish I knew that every single day was a brick being laid for the future of our relationship when I was in my 20s.
The Bricklayer
I used to think that the future of our relationship was a distant, pre-fabricated house that we would one day just move into. I wish I had known that we were the bricklayers, and that every single day, with every single interaction, we were laying another brick. The kind words were the solid bricks; the harsh words were the cracked ones. The future was not a house we were waiting for; it was the house we were actively, and often unconsciously, building, one small, daily brick at a time.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they are in a good place: they become complacent and stop putting in the effort.
The Champion
A couple in a good place is like a championship sports team that has just won the Super Bowl. The mistake they make is that they think the season is over. They get lazy, they stop practicing, and they just sit around and admire their trophy. But a true champion knows that the moment you win, the next season has already begun. You must have the humility and the discipline to get back on the practice field the very next day, because if you get complacent, you will not be the champion for very long.
This one small habit of never stopping the “courting” phase of your relationship will change your future together forever.
The Grand Opening
The “courting” phase of your relationship is the grand opening of your new restaurant. The effort is high, the service is impeccable, and you are doing everything you can to win over your new, and most important, customer. The mistake is to get comfortable after a few years and to start taking that customer for granted. You must have the mindset that every single day is the grand opening. You must never stop trying to win over the love and the loyalty of your favorite, and most valued, patron.
Use a “relationship check-up” with a therapist annually. Stop waiting for a crisis to get help.
The Annual Physical
You do not wait until you are having a heart attack to go and see a doctor for the first time. You go to your doctor for a regular, preventative, annual physical exam to make sure that everything is working well and to catch any small problems before they become big ones. A relationship check-up with a therapist is your annual physical. It is not a sign of a crisis; it is a sign of being a smart, proactive, and responsible steward of your own emotional health.
Stop thinking that you’ve “made it” in your relationship. Do understand that a good relationship requires ongoing maintenance.
The Beautiful Car
A great relationship is a beautiful, high-performance sports car. The day you acquire it is just the beginning. To keep it running in peak condition, it requires constant, ongoing maintenance. You have to change the oil of your communication, you have to rotate the tires of your responsibilities, and you have to constantly be tuning the engine of your intimacy. If you just let it sit in the garage and you never work on it, you will one day come out to find a beautiful, but useless, piece of junk.
Stop letting the little things slide. Do address them, because they are the foundation of the big things.
The Leaky Faucet
A small, unaddressed annoyance is a leaky faucet in the bathroom of your relationship. At first, it is just a tiny, insignificant drip. But if you let it drip, day after day, for years, that tiny drip will not only drive you insane, but it will also cause a huge, expensive, and destructive amount of water damage to the very foundation of your house. You have to be willing to fix the small, annoying leaks when they are still small, annoying leaks.
The #1 hack for a relationship that is built to last a lifetime is to have a shared sense of humor about yourselves.
The Pressure Valve
A relationship is a high-pressure cooker. The daily stresses of life are constantly building up steam inside of it. If you do not have a way to let that steam out, you will eventually explode. A shared sense of humor, the ability to laugh at yourselves and at the absurdity of life, is the pressure release valve. A good, hearty laugh together is the fastest, and most effective, way to vent the steam of tension and to keep your relationship from blowing its lid.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not being honest with yourself about what you truly want for your future.
The Dirty Mirror
Your true desires for your future are your own reflection in a mirror. If you have not been honest with yourself, that mirror is covered in the mud of other people’s expectations and the grime of your own fears. You cannot see yourself clearly. You have to do the brave, and sometimes scary, work of cleaning your own mirror. You have to wipe away the dirt of “I should” so you can finally see the clear, and beautiful, reflection of “I want.”
The reason you’re so anxious about the future is because you’re not taking concrete actions today to build the one you want.
The Armchair Traveler
Being anxious about the future without taking any action is like being an armchair traveler who is terrified of all the potential dangers of a trip they have no intention of ever actually taking. You are just sitting in your comfortable chair, worrying about a hypothetical journey. The only cure for this anxiety is to get out of the chair, to pack a bag, and to take one, single, small, and concrete step in the direction of the destination you desire. Action is the antidote to anxiety.
If you’re still waiting for your partner to create the future you desire, you’re losing your own power.
The Passenger in the Car
Waiting for your partner to create your dream future is like sitting in the passenger seat of a car, and then getting angry at the driver for not taking you to your secret, desired destination. If you want to go somewhere specific, you have to be willing to either help navigate, or to get into the driver’s seat yourself. You cannot be a passive passenger in the road trip of your own life. You have to be an active, and engaged, co-pilot.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about the future is that it’s scary; it’s also full of incredible potential.
The Dark Room
The future can feel like a dark, and very scary, room that you are about to enter. You are afraid of the monsters that might be hiding in the shadows. But a dark room is not just a place of monsters; it is also a place of infinite, and unseen, potential. It is a blank canvas. It could be anything. Yes, it might be scary. But it might also be a beautiful, magnificent ballroom that is just waiting for you to turn on the lights.
I wish I knew that the future was a canvas, not a script, when I was feeling stuck in my relationship.
The Script vs. The Canvas
I used to feel like the future of my relationship was a pre-written script that we had to follow. If we were unhappy, I thought we just had to keep reciting the same, sad lines. I wish I had known that the future is not a script; it is a giant, blank canvas. And we are the artists. We have the paints, we have the brushes, and we have the power, at any moment, to completely change the colors, to paint over the old scene, and to create a brand new, beautiful, and hopeful masterpiece.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are in a relationship: they stop dreaming their own individual dreams.
The Two Trees
A healthy relationship is like two strong, magnificent trees that are growing side-by-side. The mistake is to think that for the trees to be a couple, they must stop growing their own, individual branches that reach for the sun. A relationship where the partners have stopped dreaming their own dreams is a sad, and stunted, forest. The most beautiful canopy is the one that is created by the intertwined, but still beautifully distinct and separate, branches of two, whole, and thriving trees.
This one small action of asking “what if…?” with your partner will open up a world of possibilities for your future.
The Key to the Locked Room
The daily grind of a relationship can feel like you are living in a small, practical, and slightly boring room. The question “what if…?”—”what if we moved to Italy?”, “what if you started your own business?”—is the magical, golden key that unlocks the door to a hidden, and much larger, room called “Possibility.” It is the act of stepping out of the pragmatic and into the fantastical. It is the simple, powerful question that can transform your small, boring room into a magnificent, and adventurous, castle.
Use your imagination to create a compelling vision for your future together, not to worry about all the things that could go wrong.
The Two Architects
Your imagination is the architectural firm that is designing the house of your future. You have a choice. You can either use your firm’s time and energy to create a detailed, terrifying, and exhaustive report on all of the potential structural problems and natural disasters that could possibly happen to your house. Or, you can use that same, powerful energy to create a beautiful, inspiring, and detailed blueprint for the magnificent, joyful, and resilient dream house that you are actually trying to build.
Stop letting your fears make your life decisions. Do let your hopes and dreams guide you instead.
The Two Captains
Your life is a ship, and you have two competing captains who are always trying to grab the steering wheel: Captain Fear and Captain Hope. Captain Fear is a very loud, very cautious, and very pessimistic navigator. Their only goal is to avoid all storms, which means they will likely just keep you circling in the safe, but boring, harbor. Captain Hope is the brave, visionary, and adventurous navigator who is willing to sail into the unknown, in search of a beautiful, new land. You have to choose which captain you will let steer your ship.
Stop thinking that you have to have it all figured out. Do be willing to figure it out together as you go.
The Road Trip with No Map
The pressure to have your whole future figured out is like believing that you cannot start a road trip until you have a detailed, turn-by-turn, traffic-adjusted plan for the entire, thirty-year journey. It is an impossible and paralyzing task. A better approach is to just have a general destination, a reliable co-pilot, and a full tank of gas. You don’t have to have the whole map. You just have to be willing to get on the road and to trust that you can figure it out together, one mile at a time.
The #1 secret for a relationship that is a grand adventure is to say “yes” more often.
The Two Doors
Life is constantly presenting you with two doors. One door is the “no” door. It is the safe, comfortable, and predictable door that leads back to your couch. The other door is the “yes” door. It is the slightly scary, unpredictable, and exciting door that leads to a new experience. A relationship becomes a grand adventure when you and your partner make a pact to start walking through the “yes” door, together, a little more often.
I’m just going to say it: Your future together is a blank canvas, and you might be handing the paintbrush to someone else.
The Artist
The future of your relationship is a giant, blank, and beautiful canvas. You and your partner are the only two artists who are supposed to be painting on it. But if you are not being intentional, if you are not co-creating your own vision, then you are likely, and unconsciously, handing the paintbrush to other artists—to your parents, to your culture, to the expectations of society. And they will paint a future for you that is not your own. You have to be willing to take back your own paintbrush.
The reason you’re not excited about your future is because you’re not in the driver’s seat of your own life.
The Passenger in the Back Seat
If you are just a passive passenger in the back seat of your own life, with no control over the steering wheel or the radio, it is no wonder that you are not excited about the journey. The only way to feel a sense of excitement and of agency is to get into the driver’s seat. You have to be the one who is choosing the destination, who is creating the playlist, and who has their hands firmly on the wheel, steering your life in the direction of your own, authentic desires.
If you’re still not taking calculated risks together, you’re losing the chance for big rewards.
The Safe Harbor
A relationship that never takes any risks is a beautiful, and very safe, boat that never leaves the harbor. It will be protected from all storms, but it will also never discover a new island, it will never see a whale, and it will never experience the thrill of the open sea. A calculated risk is the act of pulling up the anchor, of sailing out of the predictable harbor, and of taking on the beautiful, and sometimes scary, adventure of the unknown, in search of a much greater reward.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about the future is that you can control it; you can only influence it through your actions today.
The River
The future is a powerful, and ultimately uncontrollable, river. You cannot control the current, you cannot control the weather, and you cannot control where the river will ultimately end. But you are not just a helpless leaf, being tossed around in the water. You are a skilled kayaker. You cannot control the river, but you can, through your skillful, and intentional, actions today, steer your kayak. You can navigate the currents and you can have a profound influence on your journey down the beautiful, and unpredictable, river of your life.
I wish I knew that the best way to predict the future of my relationship was to create it.
The Fortune Teller vs. The Architect
I used to think that the future of my relationship was a mysterious thing that I had to try and predict, like a fortune teller, staring into a crystal ball. I was always worried and anxious. I wish I had known that I was not a fortune teller; I was an architect. The future was not something to be predicted; it was something to be built. The best way to know what the house will look like is to be the one who is drawing the blueprints and laying the bricks, every single day.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their future: they forget to enjoy the present moment they are in right now.
The Two Hikers
A couple who is only focused on the future is like two hikers who are so obsessed with getting to the summit of the mountain that they spend the entire, beautiful hike with their heads down, just staring at their boots. They are missing the beautiful wildflowers, the stunning views, and the joyful experience of the climb itself. You must remember to occasionally stop, to take off your heavy packs, to drink some water, and to admire the beautiful, and fleeting, view from the part of the trail you are on, right now.
This one small habit of practicing gratitude for what you have together today will change your future happiness.
The Well of Happiness
Gratitude is the well from which you draw your happiness. If you are constantly focused on what you do not have, your well will be dry. You will be in a constant state of thirst. The simple, daily practice of actively looking for the things you are grateful for is the act of digging that well deeper and deeper. The more you practice gratitude, the more you will realize that you are already living in a land of abundant, and life-giving, fresh water.
Use your love for each other as the fuel to create an amazing future, not as a comfortable sofa to sit on.
The Fuel vs. The Sofa
Love can be a warm, comfortable, and cozy sofa that you can both sink into. It can be a place of rest and of safety, and that is a beautiful thing. But love can also be a high-octane, powerful rocket fuel. It can be the immense, explosive energy source that propels the ship of your shared life out of the comfortable atmosphere of the ordinary and into the extraordinary, thrilling, and adventurous orbit of your biggest, and wildest, dreams. Do not just sit on your love; use it to go to the moon.