Use emotional intimacy as the foundation, not just physical intimacy as the goal.
Building the House vs. Just Visiting the Bedroom
For a long time, I treated intimacy like a house where the only room that mattered was the bedroom. I would rush through the other parts of the house—the kitchen of daily chores, the living room of shared feelings—just to get to that one destination. But a relationship built that way is just a flimsy movie set, not a real home. I learned that emotional intimacy is the foundation and framework of the entire house. When you take the time to build a strong foundation of trust and share the blueprints of your inner worlds, the bedroom becomes a natural, beautiful part of a home you’ve built together, not just a temporary destination.
Stop scrolling on your phone in bed. Do have a “no-tech in the bedroom” rule instead.
The Uninvited Guest in Your Bed
Imagine every night, just as you and your partner are settling in to connect, a stranger climbs into bed with you. This stranger is loud, distracting, and demands all your attention, telling you about work emails, celebrity gossip, and political arguments. You would never allow that, yet that’s exactly what our phones are.[1][2] Making the bedroom a no-tech zone is like putting a lock on the door. It creates a sacred, private space where the only people invited are you and your partner, ensuring the last moments of your day are reserved for connection, not distraction.[1][2]
Stop waiting for the “perfect moment” for romance. Do create small, imperfect moments of connection instead.
Catching Raindrops, Not Waiting for a Flood
I used to think romance was a flash flood—a huge, dramatic, perfectly timed event that would sweep us off our feet. I was always waiting for the perfect moment: a fancy vacation, a big anniversary. But in between, I was emotionally parched. I’ve learned that a healthy relationship isn’t sustained by occasional floods, but by the constant practice of catching raindrops. It’s the small, imperfect moments—a shared laugh while washing dishes, a quick hug in a stressful moment—that truly nourish the relationship. Don’t wait for the flood; put out your cup and catch the daily raindrops.
The #1 secret for a deeper connection is sharing your embarrassing moments, not just your accomplishments.
Showing Them Your Scars, Not Just Your Trophies
On a first date, we tend to build a trophy case. We display our shiny accomplishments, our wittiest stories, and our most flattering photos, hoping to impress. But you can’t build a deep connection in a trophy room. True intimacy begins when you have the courage to leave the trophy room and take your partner to the quiet, hidden room where you keep your scars. When I share an embarrassing story or a past failure, I’m not showing them my strength; I’m trusting them with my wounds. And that is an invitation to a level of connection a trophy can never offer.
I’m just going to say it: Your sex life is boring because you’re both too afraid to be vulnerable and ask for what you really want.
Reading from the Same Old Script
A boring sex life is like being two actors in a play who have been performing the same script for years. You both know your lines, you know your blocking, but there’s no surprise, no real passion. The reason you stick to the script is fear. Going off-script—asking for something new, admitting a secret desire—is vulnerable.[3] What if they laugh? What if they say no? But the magic only happens when one of you is brave enough to put the script down, turn to the other, and say, “What if, just for tonight, we tried something completely different?”
The reason you feel disconnected is because you’ve stopped sharing your inner world of thoughts and feelings.
Two Ships Passing in the Night
When my partner and I only talked about logistics—who’s picking up the kids, what’s for dinner—it felt like we were two separate ships, dutifully communicating our coordinates to avoid a collision but never actually docking. We were sailing in the same ocean but never visiting each other’s vessel. Sharing your inner world—your hopes, your fears, your weird daydreams—is like lowering a gangplank and inviting them aboard.[4] It’s the only way to stop being two ships passing in the night and become fellow travelers on a shared voyage.[4]
If you’re still thinking of intimacy as just a physical act, you’re losing 90% of its potential.
Exploring the Entire House
Thinking of intimacy as only a physical act is like buying a magnificent, sprawling mansion and choosing to only ever enter the foyer. You’re missing out on the cozy library of shared ideas, the warm kitchen of inside jokes, the art gallery of past memories, and the beautiful garden of shared dreams. Physical connection is a wonderful and important room, but it’s just one part of the vast and beautiful architecture of a truly intimate relationship. When you explore all the rooms, the entire house becomes a home.[5][6]
The biggest lie you’ve been told about passion is that it’s a magical spark you either have or you don’t; it’s actually a fire you have to build.
The Campfire in the Rain
I used to think passion was like lightning—a magical, random spark that either strikes or it doesn’t. If our relationship felt dim, I’d just assume the spark was gone. But passion isn’t lightning; it’s a campfire. In the beginning, it’s easy to light. But to keep it going, especially in the rain of daily life, you have to actively protect it, tend to it, and feed it with new logs of shared experiences and intentional connection. It’s not a spark you find; it’s a fire you build and maintain together, day after day.
I wish I knew that true intimacy is built in the mundane, everyday moments, not just on vacation, when I was in my 20s.
The Mortar Between the Bricks
I used to view our relationship as a series of big, impressive bricks—the vacations, the anniversaries, the major life events. I thought these were the things that held us together. But I’ve learned that the real strength of our bond isn’t in the bricks themselves, but in the mortar between them. The mortar is the thousands of small, seemingly mundane moments: the way we say good morning, the shared glance across a crowded room, the casual touch as we pass in the hallway. The big bricks are nice, but it’s the everyday mortar that truly holds the structure together.
99% of couples make this one mistake with affection: they stop doing the little things, like holding hands in the car.
The Un-Watered Fern
In the beginning of a relationship, affection is like a constant, gentle rain that keeps everything vibrant and green. But over time, we often stop the daily watering. We figure the plant is established now; it can survive on its own. But small affections, like holding hands, are the daily water for the fern of your relationship. Without it, the relationship doesn’t die overnight, but it slowly starts to dry out, turning brown at the edges until the lushness is gone. It’s the small, consistent watering that keeps the love alive and green.
This one small action of holding a hug for seven seconds longer will release oxytocin and change your feeling of connection forever.
Plugging Into the Power Source
A quick, perfunctory hug is like plugging your phone into the charger for just one second. It makes contact, but it doesn’t transfer any real energy. You’re still running on empty. But when you hold a hug for that extra seven seconds, something chemical happens. It’s like leaving the phone plugged in long enough for the battery icon to actually turn green. The release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is a literal transfer of emotional energy. You’re not just making contact; you’re actually recharging your connection to each other.
Use a “love map” to understand your partner’s world, not just your assumptions about it.
The Tourist Map vs. The Local’s Guide
For years, I navigated my partner’s inner world using a tourist map of my own assumptions. I knew the major landmarks—their job, their favorite color—but I had no idea about the hidden alleyways, the quiet parks, or the historical significance of certain places. Building a “love map” is about throwing away the tourist guide and asking your partner for a local’s tour.[7] By asking open-ended questions about their hopes, fears, and childhood memories, you gain access to the rich, detailed, and secret geography of who they truly are.[7][8]
Stop making sex the last thing on your to-do list. Do put it on the calendar if you have to.
Don’t Just Eat the Leftovers
For a long time, our sex life got the leftovers. At the end of a long, exhausting day, after every other task and responsibility had taken its portion of our energy, we’d see if there was any tiny scrap left for intimacy. There usually wasn’t. Scheduling sex isn’t unromantic; it’s a way of saying that our connection deserves a seat at the main table, not just the scraps from the floor.[9] It’s reserving a primetime slot and giving our intimacy the fresh, dedicated energy it deserves, rather than the tired leftovers.
Stop thinking of sex as a performance. Do focus on mutual pleasure and connection instead.
The Concert vs. The Campfire Song
Thinking of sex as a performance is like being a concert pianist on a huge stage under a harsh spotlight. The pressure is immense, every note has to be perfect, and you’re constantly worried about the judgment of the audience (your partner). It’s stressful and isolating. Sex as connection is like sitting with that same person around a warm campfire, strumming a guitar together. It’s not about perfection; it’s about the harmony you create together, the shared rhythm, and the simple, connected joy of making music in the dark.
The #1 hack for reigniting the spark is to see your partner through someone else’s eyes at a party.
Seeing Your House from the Street
When you live in a house, you get used to it. You only see the chipped paint on the windowsill and the squeaky floorboard. You forget how beautiful it looks from the outside. Seeing your partner at a party, charming a group of people or passionately explaining something they love, is like taking a walk down the street and seeing your house from a new perspective. You suddenly notice the beautiful architecture and the warm glow in the windows. It reminds you of the incredible person you get to go home to.
I’m just going to say it: Emotional cheating is often more damaging than physical cheating.
A Termite Infestation vs. a Broken Window
A physical affair can be like someone throwing a rock through the window of your relationship. It’s a shocking, visible, and painful act of violation that shatters the glass. It needs immediate repair. But emotional cheating is like a silent termite infestation. From the outside, the house might look perfectly fine for a while, but a secret, intimate bond with someone else is eating away at the foundational beams of trust and connection. By the time you notice the damage, the very structure of the relationship is in danger of collapsing.
The reason you’ve stopped having sex is because of unresolved resentment, not a lack of libido.
The Elephant in the Bedroom
Unresolved resentment is like a giant, invisible elephant that you and your partner have allowed to take up residence in your bedroom. You may try to ignore it, to climb over it, to pretend it isn’t there, but its sheer size and presence make true closeness impossible. You can’t connect, you can’t be vulnerable, you can’t be free, because there is this massive, unaddressed issue taking up all the space between you. The path to intimacy isn’t about libido; it’s about having the courage to look at the elephant and say, “We need to talk about this.”
If you’re still avoiding eye contact during sex, you’re losing a powerful form of connection.
The Masked Ball
Having sex without making eye contact is like attending a masquerade ball. You can be physically close to someone, you can dance with them, you can even be intimate, but you are both still wearing masks. There is a layer of anonymity and emotional distance that keeps you from being truly seen. Making eye contact during sex is the act of taking off the masks. It’s a vulnerable move that says, “Here I am. All of me. I want to see all of you.” It transforms a physical act into a moment of profound, soul-level connection.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about soulmates is that you find them; the truth is, you become them for each other over time.
The Two Trees in the Forest
The idea of finding your soulmate is like searching a vast forest for one specific, magical tree that is a perfect match for you. It’s a near-impossible quest. A real, lasting love is like planting two young saplings side-by-side. At first, they are separate. But over years of weathering the same storms and sharing the same sunlight, their roots begin to intertwine. They grow together, supporting each other, until you can no longer tell where one ends and the other begins. You don’t find a soulmate; you become soulmates by growing together.
I wish I knew the power of non-sexual touch, like a hand on the back, when I was in my first serious relationship.
The Power Outlets in the House
I used to think that the only way to charge our “intimacy battery” was through the one specific, high-voltage outlet of sex. So, most of the time, our connection was running on low. I wish I had known that a relationship is wired with dozens of small, low-voltage power outlets all over the house. A hand on the back, a foot touching theirs under the table, a quick shoulder squeeze—these are the small, constant charges that keep the battery full.[10] They ensure you never get to empty, making the high-voltage connection feel easy and natural, not desperate.
99% of people in long-term relationships make this one mistake: they stop flirting with each other.
The “For Sale” Sign on the House
When you’re trying to attract a partner, you flirt. It’s like putting a “For Sale” sign in the yard of a house, decorating the porch, and making sure the curb appeal is perfect. You’re advertising your interest and availability. But once we’re in a long-term relationship, we often take the sign down. We stop advertising. Flirting with your long-term partner is like keeping that sign up, but now it says “Sold.” It’s a playful reminder to them, and to yourself, that you still choose them, you’re still attracted to them, and you’re still excited they live here.
This one small habit of giving a genuine, specific compliment every day will change your partner’s perception of you forever.
Shining a Spotlight
A general compliment like “You’re great” is like turning on the overhead lights in a room—it’s nice, but it illuminates everything and nothing at the same time. A specific, genuine compliment—”I was so impressed with how patiently you handled that stressful phone call”—is like shining a focused spotlight on one beautiful object in that room. It says, “I’m not just looking at the whole room; I am paying attention. I see the specific, wonderful details of who you are.” It makes a person feel not just liked, but truly seen.[11]
Use intellectual intimacy (sharing ideas) and spiritual intimacy (sharing values), not just emotional intimacy.
The Three-Legged Stool
A relationship that relies only on emotional intimacy is like a one-legged stool—passionate and intense, but incredibly wobbly and prone to tipping over at the slightest disturbance. A truly stable and resilient partnership is a three-legged stool. Emotional intimacy (sharing feelings) is one leg. Intellectual intimacy (sharing ideas and stimulating each other’s minds) is the second.[12] And spiritual intimacy (sharing core values and a sense of meaning) is the third.[12] With all three legs firmly on the ground, your relationship can withstand almost any weight.
Stop letting technology interrupt your quality time. Do create “tech-free” zones and times in your home.
The Third Person in the Conversation
Allowing your phone to interrupt quality time is like having a rude third person constantly butting into your most intimate conversations. Just as you start to connect, this person taps you on the shoulder to show you a meme, read you a news headline, or remind you of a work task. It makes deep connection impossible. Creating a “tech-free” zone, like the dinner table, is like politely asking that rude person to leave the room.[13][14] It creates a protected space where the conversation can finally go deeper, uninterrupted.
Stop assuming you know what your partner wants in bed. Do ask them, “What are you in the mood for tonight?”
The Chef at the Restaurant
For years, I was like a chef who cooked the same signature dish for my partner every single night. It was a good dish, and I was proud of it, but I never bothered to ask them what they were actually hungry for. I just assumed they’d always want my specialty. Asking, “What are you in the mood for tonight?” transforms you from a short-order cook into a collaborative chef. It opens up the menu, invites them to share their cravings, and gives you the chance to create a new, exciting meal together, instead of just reheating last night’s special.[15]
The #1 secret for incredible foreplay is that it starts with the first conversation in the morning.
Lighting the Kindling
I used to think foreplay was like trying to start a fire with a single match in the dark, right before I wanted the blaze. It was often a struggle, with a lot of pressure to make it work quickly. I’ve learned that great foreplay is about tending to the fire all day long. A loving comment in the morning is the kindling. A flirty text in the afternoon is the paper.[3] A supportive phone call is a small log. By the time you get to the bedroom, you’re not trying to start a fire from scratch; you’re just gently blowing on the embers that have been smoldering all day.
I’m just going to say it: If your partner feels more like a roommate, it’s because you’re both treating them like one.
The Business of “Us, Inc.”
When a relationship becomes all about logistics, chores, and schedules, you’ve accidentally turned your partnership into a business called “Us, Inc.” You and your partner are no longer lovers; you’re co-managers of a household. You have regular meetings about finances and scheduling, you divide labor, and you’re efficient. But there are no flirtatious memos, no romantic coffee breaks, no intimate company retreats. To break the roommate cycle, you have to consciously clock out from “Us, Inc.” and remember that your primary role is partner, not just business partner.
The reason your partner isn’t initiating sex is because they don’t feel desired and wanted by you outside the bedroom.
The Uncharged Battery
Expecting your partner to initiate sex when you haven’t made them feel desired all day is like expecting your phone to turn on when you haven’t charged it. Desire is the battery. Small, non-sexual acts of affection and appreciation—a compliment, a thoughtful gesture, a loving touch—are the charger. If the battery is constantly drained by neglect or criticism, there won’t be any power left to turn the phone on. When your partner feels consistently charged by your desire for them as a person, they will have the energy and confidence to initiate.[16]
If you’re still not talking about your sexual fantasies, you’re losing out on a deeper level of erotic intimacy.
The Secret Room in the House
Every person has a secret, locked room in the back of their mind where they keep their sexual fantasies. For most of us, we keep that door bolted shut, afraid of what our partner might think if they ever saw inside. But sharing a fantasy is like finding the courage to hand your partner the key to that room. It is one of the ultimate acts of trust. When you can both explore those secret rooms together, without judgment, you don’t just discover new ways to be physical; you unlock a profound and thrilling new level of intimacy.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about desire is that it has to be spontaneous; for most long-term couples, it’s responsive.
The Campfire vs. The Gas Stove
We’re taught that desire should be like a gas stove—it should ignite into a hot flame the second you turn the knob. If it doesn’t, we think it’s broken. But for most people in long-term relationships, desire is more like a campfire. It doesn’t ignite instantly. You have to create the right conditions: you need the kindling of a relaxed atmosphere, the paper of gentle touch, and the patience to let the embers slowly catch. Responsive desire isn’t broken; it just needs you to lovingly build the fire, not just expect it to appear.
I wish I knew that emotional connection was the best aphrodisiac when I was starting out.
The Key That Unlocks the Engine
I spent my early years thinking that the key to a great sex life was a perfect body, expert technique, or a wild imagination. I was constantly trying to hot-wire the engine, forcing it to start. It was exhausting and often ineffective. I wish I had known that for most people, the real ignition switch is hidden inside the lock of emotional connection. Feeling seen, heard, and safe is the only key that will ever truly turn the engine on. Without that key, you’re just a car thief, trying to force something that will only start when it feels secure.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their evening routine: they sit in the same room on separate devices.
Alone Together on the Park Bench
Sitting in the same room on separate phones is the modern-day equivalent of two people sitting on opposite ends of a park bench, both completely engrossed in their own newspapers, never speaking or making eye contact. You are technically sharing a space, but you are not sharing a moment. You are physically present but emotionally absent. You are occupying the same geography, but you are living in two entirely different worlds. It’s the perfect recipe for feeling lonely, together.
This one small action of creating a shared bedtime ritual will change your sense of “us-ness” forever.
The Final Chapter of the Day
Without a ritual, the end of the day can feel like a book that just abruptly stops mid-sentence. You just drift off into the unconsciousness of sleep from separate worlds. Creating a shared bedtime ritual, even one as simple as talking for five minutes about your day, is like consciously writing the final chapter of your day, together. It provides a sense of closure, connection, and narrative. It’s a way of saying, “No matter what happened today on our separate adventures, the story always ends with us.”
Use a shared hobby where you learn something new together, not just passively watching TV.
Building a Bridge Together
Passively watching TV together is like two people standing on opposite sides of a canyon, watching the same sunset. It’s a shared view, which is nice, but you are still separate. Learning a new skill together—like taking a cooking class, learning a language, or even building a piece of furniture—is like deciding to build a bridge across that canyon, together. You have to communicate, cooperate, and sometimes struggle, but with every plank you lay, you are actively closing the distance between you, creating a structure of connection that wasn’t there before.
Stop going on the same old “dinner and a movie” date. Do try new experiences that create novel memories.
The Ruts in the Road
Going on the same date over and over is like driving a wagon down the same dirt road every day. Eventually, the wheels carve deep, comfortable ruts into the ground. It’s easy and predictable, but you never see any new scenery. Trying a new experience—like going rock climbing, visiting a weird museum, or taking a dance class—is like intentionally steering your wagon off the beaten path and into a new meadow. It might be a little bumpy, but it’s the only way to create new, exciting memories and avoid getting stuck in the same old ruts.
Stop letting your kids be the only topic of your conversations. Do make “no kid talk” a rule for date night.
The Co-Workers at the Company Party
When your entire relationship revolves around the “business” of raising children, your date nights can feel like a company holiday party. You’re out of the “office,” but you still spend the whole time talking about work projects (the kids’ soccer practice) and deadlines (the upcoming parent-teacher conferences). You’re relating to each other as co-workers, not as partners. Making a “no kid talk” rule is like a company-wide memo that says, “For the next two hours, we are not employees. Let’s remember the people we were before we took this job.”
The #1 hack for feeling closer to your partner is the 6-second kiss.
The Bridge Between Two Islands
A quick, peck-on-the-lips kiss is like shouting “hello!” from your island to your partner’s island across the water. The message is sent, but you’re still separate. A six-second kiss, however, is long enough to require your full attention and presence. It’s like lowering a drawbridge between your two islands. For those six seconds, you are not just shouting across the water; you are consciously creating a physical connection, a pathway for intimacy to walk across. It’s a small act that closes a huge distance.
I’m just going to say it: You’ve let yourself go, and it’s affecting your partner’s attraction to you.
The Overgrown Garden
When you first started dating, your “garden”—your physical health, your appearance, your personal interests—was likely well-tended. You put in the effort to weed, water, and plant new flowers because you wanted to create a beautiful space for someone to visit. Letting yourself go is like abandoning that garden. Over time, the weeds take over, and the flowers wither. While your partner loves you, the gardener, it’s undeniable that the overgrown, neglected state of the garden itself has become a less inviting and attractive place for them to spend time.
The reason you feel lonely in your relationship is because you’re not being emotionally available.
The Locked Room
Feeling lonely in a relationship can be confusing, especially when your partner is physically present. It’s like being in a house with someone who spends all their time in a locked room. You can hear them inside, you know they’re there, but you have no access to them. Emotional availability is the key to that room. When you refuse to share your feelings or listen to theirs, you are locking the door from the inside. Your partner is left sitting alone in the hallway, feeling the profound loneliness of being close to someone they cannot reach.
If you’re still not sharing your fears and insecurities with your partner, you’re losing the chance for true intimacy.
The Unseen Part of the Iceberg
Presenting only your strong, confident self to your partner is like showing them only the tip of an iceberg. It might be impressive and solid, but they are missing the massive, hidden part of you that exists below the surface. Your fears, your doubts, and your insecurities make up the vast majority of who you are.[17] Sharing them is an act of trust that allows your partner to see the full, authentic, and magnificent iceberg.[17] True intimacy isn’t found on the shiny surface; it’s discovered in the deep, vulnerable waters below.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about romance is that it’s about grand gestures; it’s really about small, consistent acts of love.
The Bonfire vs. The Pilot Light
Grand romantic gestures are like bonfires. They are big, spectacular, and create a huge amount of heat and light. They’re exciting, but they burn out quickly and you can’t have one every day. The real, lasting warmth in a relationship comes from the pilot light. It’s the small, consistent, and often invisible flame of daily kindnesses—bringing them coffee, sending a supportive text, saying “thank you.” The bonfires are memorable, but the pilot light is what keeps the house warm, day in and day out, ensuring you never have to live in the cold.
I wish I knew that simply being present and undistracted was the greatest gift I could give my partner.
The Empty-Handed Guest
For years, I thought that to be a good partner, I had to show up to every interaction with a gift in my hands—a brilliant solution, a funny story, or a perfect piece of advice. I was so focused on finding the right “gift” that I wasn’t really there. I wish I knew then that the greatest offering is to show up empty-handed. To arrive with nothing but your quiet, open, and undistracted presence is to give your partner the rare and priceless gift of your full attention. It says, “For this moment, you are more important than anything else in the world.”
99% of people make this one mistake when their partner is trying to be romantic: they criticize the execution.
The Kid’s Drawing on the Fridge
When a small child proudly presents you with a drawing, you don’t criticize their technique. You don’t say, “The proportions of that horse are all wrong, and you colored outside the lines.” You see the love and effort behind the imperfect creation and you hang it on the fridge. When your partner makes a romantic attempt that isn’t perfect—the dinner is a little burnt, the movie choice is cheesy—and you criticize it, you are crushing that same childlike, vulnerable effort. Celebrate the intention, not the execution, and hang that drawing on the fridge of your heart.
This one small habit of saying “I love you” while making eye contact will change the way your partner hears it forever.
The Unsigned Letter
Saying “I love you” as you’re walking out the door or scrolling on your phone is like sending a beautiful, heartfelt letter but forgetting to sign your name. The words are there, and they’re nice, but they lack the personal, intentional endorsement that gives them their true power. Looking your partner directly in the eyes when you say those three words is the act of signing the letter. It’s a conscious, focused gesture that says, “I am fully present, I am authentic, and I am personally delivering this message directly from my heart to yours.”
Use spiritual intimacy, which can be as simple as sharing a moment of awe in nature together.
The Shared View from the Mountaintop
Spiritual intimacy doesn’t have to be about sharing the same religion. It’s about sharing a connection to something larger than yourselves. Imagine you and your partner have just completed a long, difficult hike. You finally reach the summit, and as you stand there, side-by-side, you both gaze out at the breathtaking, expansive view. In that silent, shared moment of awe, you are connecting on a spiritual level.[18] You are sharing a feeling of wonder and acknowledging that you are both small, beautiful parts of a much larger world.
Stop putting your partner’s needs last on your priority list. Do treat them like the VIP in your life.
The Backstage Pass
In the concert of life, it’s easy to let your partner become just another face in the crowd of your obligations to work, kids, and friends. But your partner should have the exclusive, all-access backstage pass. They should be the one person who gets the special treatment, the inside jokes, and the front-row seat to your life. When you treat them like a VIP—prioritizing their needs, celebrating their presence, and making them feel like the most important person in the room—they’ll never feel like they’re just another fan.
Stop waiting for your partner to plan a date night. Do take the initiative and plan something you know they’ll love.
The Surprise Party
Waiting for your partner to plan every date is like waiting for your birthday to come, hoping someone throws you a surprise party. It puts all the pressure on them and leaves you passively waiting to be celebrated. Taking the initiative to plan a date you know they’ll love is like deciding to throw them a surprise party on a random Tuesday. It is a proactive declaration of your love. It says, “I want to celebrate you, and I’m not going to wait for a special occasion. For me, being with you is the special occasion.”[19]
The #1 secret for keeping the mystery alive is to never stop growing as an individual.
The Book on the Nightstand
When you first meet someone, they are like a fascinating new book that you can’t put down. You’re excited to turn every page and discover what happens next. The “mystery” fades when you both stop writing new chapters. If you want to keep the mystery alive, you have to keep adding to your own story. By learning new skills, developing new interests, and having your own adventures, you ensure that every night, your partner goes to bed with a book that has a brand new, unread chapter waiting for them in the morning.
I’m just going to say it: Your “comfortable” routine is slowly killing your passion.
The River and the Stagnant Pond
When a relationship is new, it’s like a rushing river. It’s exciting, unpredictable, and constantly carving new paths. A comfortable routine is like a dam that stops the flow, turning that dynamic river into a calm, predictable, and stagnant pond. It might feel safe and easy, but without any new water flowing in, the passion starts to evaporate and the excitement dies. You have to be willing to occasionally break the dam, to let the river of novelty and spontaneity flow through again, even if it feels a little less comfortable.
The reason you feel taken for granted is because you’ve both stopped acknowledging each other’s efforts.
The Invisible Work
The daily efforts that keep a relationship and a household running are like the hidden plumbing and electrical wiring in a house. When it’s all working perfectly, you don’t even notice it. You just flip a switch and the light comes on, or turn a knob and the water runs. You take it for granted. Feeling taken for granted is the feeling of being that invisible wiring. Acknowledging each other’s efforts—saying “thank you for making dinner”—is like taking a moment to appreciate the complex system that makes the house livable. It makes the invisible work feel seen.
If you’re still not celebrating your anniversaries in a meaningful way, you’re losing a chance to honor your journey together.
The Mile Markers on the Highway
The journey of a long-term relationship is like a cross-country road trip. There are long stretches of boring highway, unexpected detours, and beautiful scenic overlooks. Anniversaries are the mile markers on that highway. To just drive past them without acknowledgement is to miss the opportunity to pull over, look back at the map, and say, “Look how far we’ve come! Remember that crazy storm we drove through in Kansas?” Meaningful celebration isn’t just about a party; it’s about honoring the shared distance you have traveled together.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about intimacy is that it’s a destination; it’s actually a practice.
The Gym Membership
I used to think of intimacy as a beautiful, far-off city that, once you arrived, you could just live in happily ever after. I thought it was a destination. But that’s not how it works. Intimacy is a gym membership. You don’t become strong by just buying the membership; you have to show up and do the exercises, day after day. Some days you’ll feel strong and motivated, and other days you’ll be sore and tired. But it is the consistent, ongoing practice of showing up that builds and maintains the strength of your connection.
I wish I knew that laughing together is a form of foreplay when I was younger.
Warming Up the Engine
I used to think that the journey to intimacy had to be serious and intense, like a dramatic movie. I didn’t realize that laughter is the emotional equivalent of warming up a car’s engine on a cold winter morning. It loosens everything up, gets the positive energy flowing, and makes the transition into a deeper connection smooth and easy. A shared, hearty laugh can melt away the stress and tension of the day, leaving two people who are relaxed, joyful, and much more ready to connect on a more intimate level.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their morning routine: they start the day disconnected.
The Two Commuters
Many couples start their day like two commuters on a crowded train. You might be sitting next to each other, but you are both in your own worlds, staring at your phones, mentally preparing for your separate destinations. You are beginning your journey from a place of disconnection. Starting the day with a simple ritual of connection—a hug, a real kiss, a few minutes of conversation—is like choosing to get in the same car and drive the first few miles together. It ensures that no matter where your separate journeys take you, you begin from the same, connected starting point.
This one small action of creating a shared playlist of “your songs” will change your romantic connection forever.
The Secret Soundtrack to Your Story
Every movie has a soundtrack that instantly brings you back to its most emotional moments. Creating a shared playlist is like composing the secret soundtrack to the movie of your relationship. Each song becomes a marker for a specific memory, a feeling, or an inside joke. It’s a private language that only the two of you understand. When you’re having a tough day, or feeling disconnected, playing that soundtrack is a powerful way to instantly transport you both back to the best scenes of your story, reminding you of the love that is always playing in the background.
Use a shared sense of humor to bond, not making your partner the butt of the joke.
Laughing With, Not Laughing At
A shared sense of humor can be the superglue of a relationship. When you find the same things funny and can laugh together at the absurdity of life, you are constantly reinforcing your bond. It’s like you’re both on the same team, laughing together at the world. But when you make your partner the butt of the joke, especially in front of others, you have switched teams. You are no longer laughing with them; you are laughing at them. You have taken the powerful tool of humor, which is meant to build connection, and turned it into a weapon that creates distance.
Stop bringing your work stress into the bedroom. Do create a 30-minute buffer to decompress after work.
Taking Off Your Work Uniform
Bringing your work stress into your romantic life is like a firefighter coming home and refusing to take off their heavy, smoke-filled gear. You can’t relax, you can’t be comfortable, and you can’t truly connect with your partner while you are still wearing the uniform of your professional battles. Creating a 30-minute buffer after work—whether it’s by taking a walk, listening to music, or just sitting in silence—is the crucial act of taking off that uniform. It allows you to shed the stress of the day and enter your home as a partner, not just an exhausted employee.
Stop letting your insecurities dictate your sex life. Do focus on the sensations in your body instead of the thoughts in your head.
The Annoying Narrator of the Movie
Insecurity is like a terrible narrator who insists on talking over the best scene of a movie. Just as you’re trying to immerse yourself in the beautiful, sensory experience on the screen, a voice in your head starts critiquing everything: “Is my stomach sticking out? Am I doing this right? I bet they’re not really enjoying this.” To have a truly connected sexual experience, you have to fire that narrator. You have to consciously shift your focus from the critical voice in your head to the real, pleasurable sensations happening in your body.
The #1 hack for making your partner feel seen is to notice something new about them.
The Detective of Delight
After years together, it’s easy to feel like you’ve seen everything there is to see in your partner. You stop looking closely. Noticing something new—a different way they styled their hair, a new phrase they’ve started using, a subtle shift in their mood—is like being a “detective of delight.” It shows that you are not just looking at the old photograph of them you have in your memory. It proves that you are actively paying attention to the living, breathing, evolving person in front of you today. It is one of the most powerful ways to say, “I am still watching, and I am still fascinated.”
I’m just going to say it: Your lack of confidence is a bigger turn-off than any physical flaw.
The Apologetic Host
A lack of confidence is like being a host who is constantly apologizing for their home. “I’m so sorry about the mess,” they say, pointing out dust you hadn’t even noticed. “Don’t mind that old couch.” Their constant apologies and focus on the flaws make it impossible for you, the guest, to relax and enjoy the home’s charm. Confidence is the host who welcomes you in with a warm smile, totally unconcerned with any minor imperfections. Their ease and self-acceptance create a comfortable and attractive atmosphere that makes you want to stay.
The reason you’re in a sexless marriage is because you’ve stopped prioritizing non-sexual intimacy.
The Dry Riverbed
A healthy sex life is like a flowing river. But that river doesn’t come from nowhere; it is fed by dozens of smaller streams. Those streams are the daily acts of non-sexual intimacy: the compliments, the long talks, the shared laughter, the supportive hugs. When you stop feeding the river with these small streams of connection, the water level starts to drop. A sexless marriage is often just a dry riverbed. The potential for a flowing river is still there, but you have to start replenishing the small, daily streams that are its source.
If you’re still treating sex as a chore, you’re losing one of the most powerful ways to connect.
The Dirty Dishes of Your To-Do List
When sex becomes just another item on your to-do list, it gets relegated to the same category as “take out the trash” or “do the dishes.” It becomes a mundane chore that needs to be completed so you can check it off and move on. It loses all its magic. By doing this, you’re taking one of the most powerful, joyful, and profound opportunities for human connection and turning it into a dirty dish. It’s a tragic transformation of something that is meant to be a celebration into something that feels like an obligation.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about a healthy sex life is that it’s about frequency; it’s actually about quality and connection.
The Fast Food vs. The Gourmet Meal
Judging your sex life by its frequency is like judging your diet by how many meals you eat. You could be eating three fast-food meals a day and still be deeply malnourished. A truly healthy sex life isn’t about the quantity of the encounters; it’s about the quality of the nutrition. One deeply connected, pleasurable, and intimate experience can be more nourishing to the relationship than a dozen disconnected, rushed, and obligatory encounters. Stop counting the meals and start paying attention to the ingredients.
I wish I knew that asking for what I wanted sexually was a gift to my partner, not a burden.
Giving Them the Treasure Map
For a long time, I was afraid to tell my partner exactly what I wanted in bed. I thought it would sound demanding, or that it would be a burden on them to have to follow my instructions. I felt like I was giving them a list of chores. But then I realized that my desires are not a list of chores; they are a treasure map. By clearly and confidently showing them the map, I wasn’t burdening them. I was giving them the incredible gift of a direct, fool-proof path to my pleasure, which is a destination they were desperately trying to find.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are tired: they push their partner away instead of asking for a cuddle.
The Closed Door vs. The Open Arms
When we’re exhausted, our instinct is often to conserve energy by closing down. We push our partner away, signaling that our “shop is closed” for the night. It feels like the easiest way to find rest. But this act of pushing away creates a small distance. The alternative—turning to your partner and asking for a simple, non-demanding cuddle—is a gesture of opening, not closing. It invites them into your exhaustion instead of shutting them out of it. It’s a way of saying, “I’m too tired for anything else, but I’m not too tired for us.”
This one small habit of touching each other affectionately every time you walk by will change your physical connection forever.
The Electric Fence
When a couple stops touching, an invisible but powerful “electric fence” can grow between them over time. You become so used to not making physical contact that you start to subconsciously keep your distance, carefully navigating around each other to avoid the “shock” of an unexpected touch. Making a conscious habit of small, affectionate touches every time you pass each other is the act of dismantling that fence, one post at a time. It re-normalizes physical contact and keeps the space between you open, safe, and connected.
Use a shared dream or goal to unite you, not just individual pursuits that pull you apart.
The Two Rowboats
When you and your partner are only focused on your individual goals, it’s like you are in two separate rowboats, each rowing hard toward your own personal destination. You might be on the same lake, but you are heading in different directions, and the distance between you is constantly growing. A shared dream—like saving for a house, planning a big trip, or starting a project together—is like deciding to get into the same rowboat. Suddenly, you are both facing the same direction, putting your oars in the water at the same time, and pulling together toward a shared horizon.
Stop letting your body image issues prevent you from being intimate. Do know that your partner is attracted to you, not a photoshopped model.
The Critic in the Room
When you bring your body image issues into the bedroom, you are inviting a harsh, loud-mouthed critic to join you. This critic stands in the corner, pointing out every perceived flaw and making it impossible for you to be present and enjoy the moment. Remember that your partner invited you into this room, not the critic. They are attracted to the real, imperfect, wonderful person in front of them. To truly connect, you have to have the courage to tell that critic to leave the room, so that you and your partner can finally be alone.
Stop making excuses for not being intimate. Do address the underlying issues instead.
The Leaky Roof
Making excuses for a lack of intimacy—”we’re too tired,” “we’re too busy”—is like constantly putting buckets under a leaky roof. The buckets might manage the symptoms for a little while, but they do absolutely nothing to fix the actual problem. The roof is still leaking. To truly solve the issue, you have to stop focusing on the buckets and have the courage to climb onto the roof, find the hole—the unresolved resentment, the unspoken needs, the emotional distance—and do the hard work of patching it up.
The #1 secret for a truly mind-blowing orgasm is feeling safe and emotionally connected.
The Tightly Coiled Spring
For many people, the potential for a powerful orgasm is like a tightly coiled spring held deep inside. To release that spring, you have to be able to completely let go. You have to surrender control. And the human body will not, under any circumstances, surrender control unless it feels one hundred percent safe. All the fancy techniques and positions in the world are useless if the underlying feeling is one of anxiety, disconnection, or fear. Emotional safety and connection are the hands that gently and patiently uncoil that spring, allowing it to release with its full, explosive power.
I’m just going to say it: Porn is probably setting unrealistic expectations for your sex life.
The Action Movie vs. Real Life
Watching a lot of porn and then expecting your sex life to match is like watching a lot of high-budget action movies and then being disappointed that your daily commute isn’t full of car chases and explosions. Porn is a fantasy. It’s a choreographed, edited, and highly produced performance starring professional actors. It is not a documentary about what real, intimate, and sometimes awkward human connection looks like. Judging your real life by the standards of an action movie will only ever lead to disappointment.
The reason you’re not in the mood is because you’re not taking care of your own well-being (sleep, stress, etc.).
The Empty Well
Your desire is not a magical, infinite spring. It is a well. And every day, life draws water from that well—your job, your stress, your exhaustion. If you are not actively doing things to replenish that well—getting enough sleep, managing your stress, having time for yourself—it will eventually run dry. You can’t be surprised that you’re not in the mood when there is literally no water left in your well. Taking care of your own well-being isn’t selfish; it is the essential pre-requisite for having anything left to give to your partner.
If you’re still not experimenting in the bedroom, you’re losing the excitement of discovery.
The Vacation to the Same Hotel
Imagine if for every vacation, you went to the exact same hotel, ate at the exact same restaurant, and sat on the exact same beach chair. It might be comfortable and predictable, but you would completely lose the thrill of travel, which is the excitement of discovery. A relationship without any experimentation is like that vacation. You are missing out on the joy of discovering new landscapes of pleasure, new pathways to intimacy, and new, hidden parts of each other. It’s the willingness to explore that keeps the journey exciting.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about female pleasure is that it’s mysterious; it’s just under-researched and under-discussed.
The “Lost City of Atlantis”
For centuries, female pleasure has been treated like the lost city of Atlantis—a mysterious, mythical, and almost impossible-to-find place. We’re told it’s a great and powerful treasure, but no one has a reliable map to get there. But female pleasure is not a lost city. It is a vibrant, thriving, and very real place. The problem isn’t that it’s mysterious; it’s that for generations, no one bothered to ask the inhabitants for directions. Open, curious, and non-judgmental communication is the simple, modern-day GPS that can guide you there every time.
I wish I knew how powerful verbal affirmation was during sex when I was younger.
The Music in the Movie
Imagine watching a beautiful, emotional movie scene with the sound turned off. You can see the action, you can understand what’s happening, but the scene feels flat and lacks impact. Verbal affirmation during sex—the moans, the compliments, the words of encouragement—is the musical score of that scene. It’s the powerful, non-visual layer that adds all the emotion, depth, and intensity. It transforms a silent movie of physical actions into a full-bodied, immersive, and unforgettable sensory experience.
99% of people make this one mistake when initiating sex: they use ambiguous signals instead of clear words.
The Game of Charades
Initiating sex with only vague, ambiguous signals is like trying to communicate a complex idea in a game of charades. You’re doing a lot of gesturing and hoping your partner can correctly interpret your confusing pantomime. It’s often frustrating and leads to a lot of wrong guesses. Using clear, direct words—”I want you so much right now”—is like stopping the game, turning to your partner, and just saying the answer out loud. It might feel less “playful,” but it’s infinitely more effective and eliminates the possibility of a misunderstanding.[20]
This one small habit of creating a romantic atmosphere (lighting, music) will change your intimate encounters forever.
Setting the Stage for the Play
If you were going to put on a beautiful, intimate play, you wouldn’t do it under the harsh, fluorescent lights of an office with the sound of a blaring TV in the background. You would carefully set the stage. You’d dim the lights, choose the right music, and make sure the environment was perfect for the story you wanted to tell. An intimate encounter is a play. Taking a few moments to create a romantic atmosphere is the act of setting the stage. It signals that what is about to happen is special, sacred, and separate from the mundane chaos of daily life.
Use a shared journal to write letters to each other, not just talking.
The Time Capsule of Your Love
Talking is wonderful, but spoken words are like footprints in the sand—they are present for a moment and then they are gone. Writing letters to each other in a shared journal is like casting those footprints in stone. It creates a physical, lasting record of your love, your struggles, and your growth. It’s a time capsule that you are building together. Years from now, you will be able to open that journal and not just remember that you loved each other, but read the exact, powerful words that prove it.
Stop letting the fear of rejection stop you from initiating intimacy. Do have a conversation about how you both like to be approached.
The Un-Bought Lottery Ticket
The fear of rejection when initiating sex can feel overwhelming. But not initiating because of that fear is like holding a winning lottery ticket in your hand but being too afraid to walk up to the counter to cash it in. Yes, there is a tiny chance the machine will say it’s not a winner, but there is a very high chance it is. But if you never walk to the counter, your chances of winning are zero. You are guaranteeing your own rejection by not even trying.[10][21]
Stop waiting for your partner to make the first move. Do take the lead and show them how much you desire them.
The Dance Invitation
A relationship where only one person ever initiates intimacy is like a dance where only one person ever asks the other to dance. The person who is always waiting starts to wonder, “Do they even want to dance with me? Am I a good dancer?” When you take the lead and initiate, you are walking across the floor, extending your hand, and saying, “Out of everyone in this room, you are the one I want to dance with.” It is a powerful, confidence-boosting affirmation of your desire that can completely change the dynamic of your dance floor.[19]
The #1 secret for a deep, soulful connection is to be more interested in their inner world than their outer appearance.
The Library vs. The Book Cover
Being attracted to someone’s outer appearance is like admiring the beautiful, intricate cover of a book. It’s what draws you in. But a deep, soulful connection is only formed when you become utterly fascinated with the library inside. It’s the desire to read every chapter, to understand the complex characters of their past, to explore the dog-eared pages of their fears, and to get lost in the epic narrative of their dreams. The cover is what you see, but the library is who they are.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably faking orgasms, and it’s preventing you from ever having real ones.
The Fake Laugh
Faking an orgasm is like faking a laugh at a joke you didn’t find funny. You do it to make the other person feel good and to avoid an awkward moment. But if you do it repeatedly, the joke-teller will just keep telling the same kind of unfunny jokes, because your fake laugh has taught them that’s what you like. Faking it creates a feedback loop of misinformation. It directs your partner further away from your actual pleasure, making it less and less likely that you will ever get to experience the real, genuine laugh.
The reason you’re not connecting on a deeper level is because you’re afraid to be truly seen, flaws and all.
The Perfectly Curated Instagram Feed
Many of us treat our relationships like a perfectly curated Instagram feed. We only post the smiling, successful, and flattering pictures of ourselves. We hide the messy, unflattering, and vulnerable “behind-the-scenes” photos. But you can’t connect with a feed; you can only connect with a person. The fear of being truly seen keeps you trapped in the exhausting job of being the social media manager of your own life.[22] Real intimacy only begins when you have the courage to post the unedited, unfiltered, and beautifully flawed pictures of who you really are.[11][22]
If you’re still hiding parts of yourself from your partner, you’re losing the opportunity for true acceptance.
The Unseen Rooms of the House
Hiding parts of yourself from your partner is like buying a house together but keeping several of the rooms locked. You tell them, “We can live in the kitchen and the living room, but you’re not allowed in the basement or the attic.” You might be able to co-exist, but they can never feel fully at home, because a huge part of the house is off-limits. Granting your partner access to those hidden, messy, and maybe even scary rooms is the only way to give them the opportunity to see the whole house and say, “I see every room, and I still want to live here with you.”
The biggest lie you’ve been told about love is that it’s a feeling; it’s actually a series of actions and choices.
The Weather vs. The Garden
The feeling of love is like the weather. Some days it’s warm and sunny, and other days it’s stormy and cold. It’s unpredictable and it comes and goes. If your relationship depended only on the weather, it would never survive. But true, lasting love is not the weather; it’s the garden. It is the daily, conscious choice to show up and tend to that garden, regardless of the weather. It’s the action of pulling the weeds of resentment, planting the seeds of kindness, and watering the soil with forgiveness, even when you don’t feel like it.
I wish I knew that true intimacy was about knowing and being known when I was a young man.
The Interview vs. The Conversation
In my youth, I treated dating like a series of interviews. My goal was to present the best version of myself—my resume of accomplishments—and to be “hired” by the other person. It was all about being impressive. I wish I had understood that true intimacy has nothing to do with being impressive. It’s not an interview; it’s a long, rambling, and sometimes messy conversation. The goal isn’t to be hired, but to slowly, over time, come to understand the beautiful, complex, and sometimes contradictory story of another human being, and to allow them to understand yours.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their goodbyes: they are rushed and disconnected.
The Unfinished Sentence
A rushed, disconnected goodbye is like hanging up the phone in the middle of a sentence. It leaves a feeling of incompleteness and anxiety. You’ve ended the conversation, but you haven’t concluded it. A meaningful goodbye—one with a real kiss and a moment of eye contact—is like finishing that sentence. It provides a sense of closure and connection that you both can carry with you throughout your time apart. It’s a small but powerful way to say, “We are now separating, but we are still connected. To be continued.”
This one small habit of giving a meaningful kiss before you leave each other will change the way you feel when you’re apart forever.
The Stamp on the Letter
A quick, air-kiss goodbye is like writing a letter and forgetting to put a stamp on it. The intention is there, but the message won’t be delivered. A meaningful, present kiss is the stamp. It’s the small, intentional act that ensures the feeling of love and connection is sealed and delivered into your partner’s heart, giving them something to hold onto while you’re gone. It’s the final, crucial step that turns a simple piece of paper into a special delivery.
Use a shared secret (a positive one) to create a private world for just the two of you.
The Secret Clubhouse
Remember the feeling as a kid of having a secret clubhouse with your best friend? It was a private world, with its own rules and inside jokes, that no one else was allowed into. It created a powerful bond. A shared positive secret—a silly nickname for a neighbor, a private joke, a shared, quirky dream—is the adult equivalent of that clubhouse. It’s a small, private world that belongs only to the two of you. It’s a powerful reminder that within the larger world, you have a unique and special alliance that no one else can access.
Stop going on “dates” that are just errands. Do plan real, intentional time together.
The Business Lunch
Going on a “date” that is really just an opportunity to run errands together—like going to the grocery store or the bank—is not a date. It’s a business lunch. You are accomplishing tasks and being productive, but you are not connecting romantically. A real date is an intentional act of setting aside time for the “business” of your relationship. It’s a protected space on the calendar, free from the demands of your daily to-do list, where the only agenda item is to enjoy each other’s company.
Stop assuming your partner knows you love them. Do show them in their primary love language.
Speaking French to an English Speaker
I can say “Je t’aime” a hundred times a day, and if my partner only speaks English, the message, while true, will never fully land. They might understand my intention, but they won’t feel the power of the words. Loving your partner in your own love language, instead of theirs, is like this. You are speaking a language they don’t understand. Learning to show love in their primary love language—whether it’s Acts of Service or Quality Time—is the crucial act of becoming bilingual. It ensures that when you say “I love you,” they don’t just hear it; they feel it.
The #1 hack for feeling more connected is to put your phones in another room for one hour each night.
The Two Separate Movie Theaters
When you and your partner are sitting together on the couch, but you are both scrolling on your own phones, you are not actually together. You are in two separate, private movie theaters, watching two completely different movies. You are in the same building, but you are having a solo experience. Putting your phones in another room for an hour is like a decision by the theater owner to have a special screening of just one movie that you both have to watch together. It forces you out of your private theaters and into a shared experience.
I’m just going to say it: You miss the “honeymoon phase” because you stopped putting in the effort that created it.
The Grand Opening of a Restaurant
The “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is like the grand opening of a new restaurant. The owners are full of energy and passion. They put in huge amounts of effort to create a magical experience—the decor is perfect, the service is attentive, and the food is exquisite. They are trying their best to win you over. The reason the honeymoon phase ends is because the owners get comfortable. They stop trying so hard. They figure you’re a regular now. But if you want to recreate that grand opening magic, you have to recreate the grand opening effort.
The reason you’re not having fun together anymore is because you’ve let logistics and responsibilities take over.
The All-Business-No-Play Corporation
If your relationship has become a relentless series of meetings about schedules, budgets, and household chores, you have accidentally turned your partnership into an all-business-no-play corporation. You are efficient and productive, but you are also probably on the verge of burnout. You have forgotten that the best companies have a “culture” department. You have to consciously schedule “fun”—a game night, a spontaneous dance party in the kitchen, a silly outing. You have to remember that “play” isn’t a waste of time; it is the essential ingredient that makes the business worth running.
If you’re still not scheduling “play” into your relationship, you’re losing its joyful spirit.
The Recess Bell
In elementary school, no matter how hard you were working or how serious the lesson was, you always knew that at some point, the recess bell would ring. It was a sacred, protected time for pure, unstructured play. As adults, we often forget to ring the recess bell in our relationships. We get so caught up in the “work” of life that we forget the joy. Scheduling play is the act of consciously ringing that bell. It’s a declaration that your relationship is not just a classroom for serious lessons; it is also a playground for joy.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about connection is that it has to be deep and serious; sometimes it’s just about being silly together.
The Deep Sea Dive vs. Splashing in the Shallows
We often think that to connect, we must have a deep, serious, soul-baring conversation, like a deep-sea dive into the ocean of our feelings. And those dives are important. But you can’t live your whole life in a submarine. Sometimes, the best way to connect is to just take off your gear, run into the ocean, and splash around in the shallow end like two little kids. Being silly, laughing, and playing together is a light, joyful, and equally valid form of connection that keeps the relationship from getting crushed by the pressure of its own depth.
I wish I knew that my partner’s pleasure was just as important as my own when I was younger.
The Tennis Match vs. The Tandem Bike
In my early sexual experiences, I approached intimacy like a singles tennis match. My focus was on my own performance, my own shots, and my own score. I was trying to win my own pleasure. It took me a long time to realize that a connected sexual experience is not a tennis match; it’s a tandem bicycle. It only works if you are both pedaling, both steering, and both completely attuned to the rhythm and needs of the person in front of and behind you. The goal isn’t to win, but to enjoy the ride together.
99% of couples make this one mistake with aftercare: they don’t do it at all.
The Abrupt End of the Movie
Sex without any aftercare—the cuddling, the soft words, the gentle reconnection—is like a beautiful, emotional movie that ends by the screen just abruptly cutting to black. There are no credits, no soaring music, no time to process what you just experienced. It’s a jarring and unsatisfying end to the story. Aftercare is the movie’s gentle, musical outro. It’s the crucial few minutes that allow you to come down from the emotional peak, reconnect as characters, and transition smoothly back into the real world, feeling safe and cared for.
This one small action of talking about what you both enjoyed after sex will make future encounters even better.
The Post-Game Analysis
Great sports teams always watch the game tape afterwards. They don’t do it to criticize; they do it to celebrate the great plays and to learn for the next game. Talking about what you both enjoyed after sex is your “post-game analysis.” It’s not about performance reviews or pointing out mistakes. It’s a positive, collaborative session where you get to say, “That thing you did? That was a championship-winning move. Let’s do that again next time.” It ensures that your team is constantly learning, improving, and having more fun.
Use a sensual massage with no expectation of sex, not just going straight for the main event.
The Appetizer Before the Meal
Going straight for sex without any warm-up is like sitting down at a fancy restaurant and having the main course immediately slammed down in front of you. You haven’t had time to settle in, to peruse the menu, to enjoy the atmosphere. A sensual massage with no expectation of sex is the delicious, leisurely appetizer. It’s a course all on its own, designed to be savored. It relaxes you, whets your appetite, and sets a pleasurable, un-pressured tone that makes the main course, if it happens to arrive, taste all the more delicious.