Use a weekly marriage meeting to discuss logistics and feelings, not just assuming you’re on the same page.
The Pilots’ Weekly Briefing
Imagine your marriage is a large airplane, and you and your partner are the two co-pilots responsible for getting it safely to its destination. It would be insane for the pilots to just assume they knew the flight plan, the weather, and the fuel levels without talking. A weekly marriage meeting is your pilots’ briefing. It’s a dedicated time to sit down together, look at the maps (the calendar), check the gauges (your feelings), and make sure you are both steering in the same direction. It prevents the terrifying chaos of flying blind.
Stop thinking of marriage as a destination. Do see it as an ongoing practice of choosing each other.
The Trophy vs. The Garden
I used to think of my wedding day as the finish line, and the marriage was the shiny trophy I got to put on a shelf. But a trophy just collects dust. A real marriage isn’t a trophy you win; it’s a garden you are given. It is a living, breathing thing that requires daily attention. You don’t “achieve” a garden and then walk away. You have to consciously choose to go out every single day to pull the weeds of resentment and water the seeds of connection. The beauty is in the daily tending, not the one-time prize.
Stop keeping “secret” credit cards or debts. Do have full financial transparency for a stronger partnership.
The Second Set of Books
Imagine you and your partner are co-owners of a small business. A strong partnership requires that you both have access to the same financial records. A secret debt is like one of you keeping a second, hidden set of books that shows the company is actually losing money. The moment that secret ledger is discovered, trust is completely shattered. Financial transparency isn’t just about money; it’s about trusting your business partner enough to show them the real, complete, and sometimes scary balance sheet of your shared life.
The #1 secret for a happy marriage is to treat your partner with the same kindness and respect you would show a stranger.
The Coffee Shop Line
Think about how you act when you accidentally bump into a stranger in a coffee shop. You immediately say, “Oh, excuse me, I’m so sorry.” Your tone is polite and respectful. Now, think about how you react when your partner is in your way at home. Too often, our tone is harsh and impatient. I learned that I needed to give the most important person in my life at least the same level of basic courtesy I would automatically give to a stranger. That simple shift in tone can change everything.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably putting your kids, your job, and your hobbies before your spouse.
The Sun and the Planets
A healthy family is like a solar system. The marriage should be the sun at the very center, providing the warmth, light, and gravitational pull that holds everything together. The kids, your jobs, and your hobbies are the planets that orbit around that sun. What often happens is that we start treating a planet—like the kids—as the new sun. But a planet cannot sustain a solar system. When the central star starts to burn out from neglect, all the planets will eventually spin out of orbit. You must fuel the sun first.
The reason your marriage feels stagnant is because you’ve stopped being curious about each other.
Rereading the Same Chapter
When we feel like we know everything about our partner, our marriage can feel stagnant. It’s like we’ve decided to just keep rereading the same, familiar chapter of a book over and over again. But your partner is not a static book; they are a living, evolving story. They are writing new chapters every single day through their experiences, thoughts, and dreams. The cure for stagnation is to stop assuming you’ve finished the book and to start asking, with genuine curiosity, “Will you please read me the new chapter you wrote today?”
If you’re still making major life decisions without consulting your partner, you’re losing the “we” in your relationship.
The Co-Captains of the Ship
Being married is like being the two co-captains of a large ship. It is unthinkable that one captain would suddenly decide to turn the wheel hard to the left, changing the entire ship’s course, without ever discussing it with their partner. It’s dangerous and disrespectful. Making a major unilateral decision, no matter how good your intentions, is a message that you are no longer co-captains. It says, “This is my ship, and you are just a passenger.” True partnership requires that both captains have their hands on the wheel, together.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about marriage is that it’s a 50/50 partnership; it’s 100/100, with both partners giving their all.
The Two-Person Saw
The idea of a 50/50 marriage sounds fair, but it encourages a transactional mindset of keeping score. A real partnership is like two people using a two-person saw to cut through a massive log. If each person only gives 50% of their effort, they will be exhausted and the saw will barely move. The log only gets cut when both people are giving 100% of their strength, working in rhythm, and fully committed to the shared goal. Sometimes one person might give 120% when the other can only give 80%, but it’s always about full commitment, not a mathematical split.
I wish I knew that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a daily choice, when I got married.
The Fireplace
The feeling of being “in love” is like the wonderful, radiant warmth you get from a roaring fireplace. It feels effortless and magical. But a fire does not burn on its own. The warmth is a direct result of the conscious choice and hard work of chopping the wood, carrying it inside, and tending to the flames. On the days when the house feels cold and the “feeling” is gone, love is the choice to put on your boots, go out into the cold, and start chopping more wood.
99% of married couples make this one mistake with their finances: they don’t have shared long-term goals.
The Two Separate Saving Jars
When a couple doesn’t have shared financial goals, it’s like they are both just putting their spare change into two separate, unlabeled saving jars. They are saving, but they have no idea what they are saving for. This can lead to conflict and confusion. A couple with a shared goal—”we are saving for a down payment on a house in five years”—is putting their money into one big, clearly labeled jar. This shared purpose transforms the act of saving from a potential source of conflict into a collaborative and exciting team project.
This one small habit of saying “thank you” for the everyday chores will change the atmosphere in your home forever.
The Invisible Work
So many of the chores that keep a household running are like the work of invisible elves. The trash magically disappears, the clean dishes magically appear in the cupboard. When this work goes unacknowledged, the person doing it can start to feel invisible, too. Saying a simple, genuine “thank you” for these small tasks is like turning on a light and finally seeing the elf. It makes them feel seen, valued, and appreciated, which makes the work feel less like a thankless burden and more like an act of love.
Use a “yours, mine, and ours” banking system, not just a fully merged or fully separate one.
The Three Buckets
Marriage requires a balance between autonomy and unity, and your banking can reflect that. The “yours, mine, and ours” system is like having three buckets. You each have your own small bucket that you control completely, which honors your individual freedom. But you also both contribute to a third, much larger bucket for all the shared expenses and goals, which honors your unity. This system prevents arguments about small, personal purchases while ensuring you are both working together on the big things. It’s the best of both worlds.
Stop letting your in-laws make decisions about your marriage. Do create and enforce boundaries as a united team.
The Guards at the Castle Gate
When you get married, you leave your family’s castle and build a new one of your own. Your in-laws are wonderful and welcome visitors, but they are no longer the king and queen of your castle. You and your partner are. You must stand together, shoulder-to-shoulder, as the guards at your own gate. You have to present a united front, communicating the same rules and boundaries to all visitors. If one guard is secretly letting people in a side door, the entire castle’s security is compromised.
Stop comparing your real-life marriage to someone else’s curated social media feed. Do focus on your own relationship.
The Movie Trailer vs. Your Documentary
Comparing your marriage to what you see on social media is like comparing the raw, unedited, behind-the-scenes documentary of your life to someone else’s perfectly crafted, action-packed movie trailer. The trailer only shows the most beautiful shots, the funniest lines, and the most epic moments. Your documentary has all of that, but it also has the boring scenes, the awkward moments, and the logistical arguments. Stop comparing your full, real, complex film to someone else’s two-minute highlight reel.
The #1 hack for keeping romance alive after kids is to have conversations that aren’t about the kids.
The Company Party
When your whole life revolves around the “business” of raising kids, your conversations with your spouse can feel like two co-workers at a company party. Even though you are in a different setting, you still only talk about work projects (the kids). The romance dies because you have forgotten that you are not just co-workers; you are also lovers. Making a conscious rule to not talk about the kids for a period of time is like declaring the company party a “no shop-talk” zone. It forces you to remember the people you were before you took this job.
I’m just going to say it: You’re treating your spouse like a business partner, and it’s killing your intimacy.
Us, Inc.
It’s easy for a marriage to slowly transform into a well-run corporation called “Us, Inc.” You have regular meetings about finances, you efficiently divide the labor of household chores, and you are excellent co-managers of your children’s schedules. But in the process of becoming such great business partners, you can forget to be romantic partners. You have to consciously clock out from Us, Inc., at the end of the day. You have to trade the spreadsheets and to-do lists for the soft whispers and gentle touches that remind you your relationship is a love story, not a business merger.
The reason you’re fighting about the chores is because it’s not about the chores; it’s about feeling unappreciated and disrespected.
The Dripping Faucet
A fight about the dishes is never just about the dishes. The dishes are the loud, annoying dripping sound from a faucet. You can argue all day about how to fix the drip, but the real problem is the broken pipe of resentment hidden deep inside the wall. The fight is not about the symptom; it’s about the underlying disease of feeling taken for granted, disrespected, or unappreciated. You have to stop yelling about the drip and have the courage to open up the wall and fix the broken pipe.
If you’re still not having regular, scheduled date nights, you’re losing your connection as lovers.
The Most Important Client
If you had a client who was responsible for 90% of your company’s success, you would never say, “I’m too busy for a meeting, let’s just try to connect when we have some free time.” You would schedule a regular, recurring, can’t-miss appointment with that VIP. Your spouse is that client. A scheduled date night is not unromantic; it is a sign of ultimate respect. It is you acknowledging that your connection as lovers is the most important VIP in your life, and you are giving it the protected, dedicated time on your calendar that it deserves.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about having children is that it will bring you closer together; it will actually test your bond like nothing else.
The Beautiful Bridge and the Heavy Truck
A strong marriage is like a well-built, beautiful bridge. Having a child is like driving a massive, wonderful, and incredibly heavy semi-truck over that bridge for the first time. If the bridge has any hidden structural weaknesses, any cracks in the foundation, or any loose bolts, the weight of that truck will find them. A child doesn’t create the problems; their wonderful, immense weight simply reveals the pre-existing weaknesses in your structure that you might not have noticed before.
I wish I knew the importance of maintaining my own friendships and hobbies outside of my marriage when I was a newlywed.
The Two Trees
I used to think that a perfect marriage meant two people would grow so close they would eventually fuse into one single, massive tree. But that is not a healthy tree; it is a codependent one. A strong marriage is like two separate, magnificent trees that are planted close to each other. They each have their own deep, independent root system (their hobbies and friends), but their branches grow together and intertwine in the sky, creating a shared canopy. You need your own roots to be a strong partner.
99% of parents make this one mistake that harms their marriage: they let the children become the center of the universe.
The Solar System
A healthy family should be like a solar system where the strong, stable marriage is the sun at the center. The children are the planets who revolve around that sun, drawing warmth, light, and a predictable orbit from its strength. The mistake many parents make is to reconfigure the entire solar system, placing the children at the center. The parents then become small, exhausted planets orbiting their kids. But a planet cannot sustain a solar system. A child’s world is much more secure when it revolves around the bright, reliable star of their parents’ marriage.
This one small action of always presenting a united front to your children will change your family dynamics forever.
The Two Co-Pilots
Your children are the brilliant, curious passengers on an airplane, and you and your partner are the two co-pilots in the cockpit. If the passengers hear the pilots arguing over the intercom about which direction to fly, it creates chaos and fear. Presenting a united front is the act of the pilots agreeing on a course of action before they speak to the passengers. It’s a calm, unified voice from the cockpit that says, “We are in this together, we have a clear plan, and you are safe.”
Use a postnuptial agreement to talk about finances, not just a prenuptial one.
The Business Partnership Update
Imagine two people start a business and write an operating agreement on day one. Ten years later, the business has grown and changed in ways they never could have predicted. It would be foolish to keep operating under that original, outdated agreement. A marriage is like that business. A postnuptial agreement isn’t a sign of distrust; it’s the responsible act of successful business partners sitting down after a decade of change to say, “Let’s update our agreement to reflect the new, wonderful reality we have built together.”
Stop thinking that renewing your vows is just for show. Do use it as a powerful, intentional recommitment.
Re-Calibrating the Compass
When you get married, you set your compass to a shared “true north.” But over the years, after navigating through the storms and detours of life, that compass can get knocked around and lose its accuracy. Renewing your vows is not just a party. It is the powerful, intentional act of taking out that compass together, re-calibrating it, and making sure that you are both still pointed toward the same true north. It’s a conscious recommitment to the original, shared destination of your journey.
Stop letting life’s stressors pull you apart. Do use them as an opportunity to lean on each other and grow closer.
The Two Soldiers in the Foxhole
When a marriage is under the stress of a job loss or a health crisis, it’s like two soldiers are in a foxhole together while under heavy fire. In that moment, you have a choice. You can turn on each other, blaming your partner for the danger you are in. Or, you can realize that you are on the same side, fighting a common enemy. The stress is not your partner’s fault. Leaning on each other in the foxhole and working together to survive the battle will create a bond that is stronger than you ever imagined.
The #1 secret for a successful marriage from couples who’ve been together 50+ years is to master the art of forgiveness.
The Backpack Full of Rocks
Holding onto grudges and resentments in a marriage is like choosing to carry a heavy backpack that you fill with rocks every single day. Each new hurt is another rock. Over the years, that backpack becomes so heavy that you can barely walk. It slows you down, exhausts you, and makes the journey miserable. Forgiveness is the conscious, daily act of looking inside that backpack, taking out the rocks, and leaving them on the side of the road. It’s the only way to travel lightly enough to finish the long journey together.
I’m just going to say it: The “seven-year itch” is real, but it’s not about boredom, it’s about unresolved issues coming to a head.
The Slow Leak in the Boat
The “seven-year itch” isn’t a mysterious plague of boredom. It’s the point at which a slow, ignored leak in the hull of a boat finally lets in enough water to be noticeable. For the first few years, the small resentments and unspoken issues are just a little bit of water in the bottom of the boat—you can ignore it. But after seven years, you’re suddenly ankle-deep in water, and you can no longer pretend the leak doesn’t exist. The problem isn’t the seven years; it’s the unpatched hole you’ve been ignoring.
The reason your marriage is in a rut is because you’ve stopped creating new experiences together.
The Wagon on the Dirt Road
A marriage can get into a rut, just like a wagon on a well-traveled dirt road. Over time, the wheels carve deep, comfortable grooves into the earth. It becomes easy and predictable to stay in those ruts, but you never see any new scenery. To get out of the rut, you have to consciously grab the reins and steer the wagon onto a new path. Creating new experiences—taking a dance class, trying a new restaurant—is the act of leaving the old, worn-out grooves and finding a new, exciting landscape together.
If you’re still not talking about your dreams for the future together, you’re losing a shared vision.
The Two Architects
A strong marriage is like two brilliant architects working together to design and build a magnificent house. In the beginning, you spend hours huddled over the blueprints, excitedly planning every detail. But if you stop looking at the blueprints together, you can easily start building in different directions. One of you might be building a cozy cottage while the other is building a modern skyscraper. Talking about your dreams is the essential act of rolling out the blueprints again to make sure you are still building the same beautiful house, together.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about “happily ever after” is that it’s an ending; it’s a daily, ongoing process.
The Storybook Ending vs. The Garden
We’re taught that “happily ever after” is the final page of a storybook, where the characters freeze in a state of perfect, effortless happiness. But a real marriage is not a storybook; it’s a garden. You don’t achieve a beautiful garden and then it just stays that way forever. “Happily ever after” is not the beautiful garden itself. It is the daily, conscious, and sometimes difficult process of getting on your knees, pulling the weeds, and watering the plants, together, so that your garden can continue to thrive.
I wish I knew that going to couples counseling is for maintenance, not just for emergencies, when I was in my first decade of marriage.
The Oil Change for Your Car
I used to think that going to couples therapy was like taking your car to the mechanic only after the engine has exploded on the side of the highway. I saw it as a desperate, last-ditch effort for a catastrophic failure. I wish I had known that therapy is actually like getting a regular, preventative oil change. It’s the smart, routine maintenance you do when things are running pretty well, in order to clean out the small bits of grime and prevent a massive, expensive, and traumatic breakdown down the road.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they feel disconnected: they wait for the other person to fix it.
The Stuck Seesaw
Feeling disconnected in a marriage can be like sitting on a seesaw where your side is stuck on the ground. You are both just sitting there, waiting for the other person to make the first big push to get the momentum going again. But if both people are waiting, you will be stuck on the ground forever. When you feel disconnected, you cannot wait. You have to be the one who decides to push off, to make the first move, to initiate the conversation that will get the seesaw moving again.
This one small habit of a “no-screens after 9 PM” rule in the bedroom will change your intimacy forever.
The Locked Door
The bedroom should be the private, sacred sanctuary of your relationship. Allowing screens in the bedroom after a certain hour is like leaving the door to your sanctuary wide open, allowing the loud, chaotic, and stressful world to march right in. A “no-screens” rule is the act of gently closing and locking that door. It creates a quiet, protected space where the only things that matter are the two people inside it, allowing for the possibility of real, undistracted connection.
Use a shared digital calendar for family logistics, not just relying on your memory.
The Air Traffic Control Tower
Trying to manage a modern family’s schedule using just your memory is like trying to run a major international airport with no air traffic control tower. It’s a recipe for chaos, near-misses, and constant stress. A shared digital calendar is your family’s air traffic control tower. It is the one central, reliable hub that tracks all the arrivals, departures, and flight paths. It dramatically reduces the mental load and prevents the constant, stressful communication needed to keep all the planes from crashing.
Stop making your spouse the enemy in a conflict. Do remember that you’re on the same team fighting a common problem.
The Chessboard
Too often in a conflict, we act like we are sitting on opposite sides of a chessboard, with our spouse as our opponent. The goal is to outmaneuver them and win the game. A healthy approach is to get up, walk around to the same side of the board, and sit next to your partner. Now, you are two teammates, looking at the problem pieces on the other side of the board together. The goal is no longer to beat each other, but to collaborate on a strategy to beat the problem.
Stop letting household chores become a constant source of resentment. Do outsource, automate, or re-negotiate them.
The Overburdened Small Business
A marriage is like a small business. If there is a task that both of the co-owners hate doing, that is causing constant fights, and that is taking up too much time, a smart business would find another solution. They would automate the task with new software, or they would outsource it to a contractor. In a marriage, this means you can hire a cleaning service, buy a robot vacuum, or simply sit down and re-negotiate the division of labor. You don’t have to keep doing the thing that is poisoning your company culture.
The #1 hack for a stress-free vacation with your spouse is to have separate “alone time” scheduled into it.
The Band on Tour
Even the closest and most successful rock bands, when they are on tour, do not spend 24 hours a day together. They know that to put on a great show together at night, they each need some separate, alone time in their own hotel rooms during the day to decompress and recharge. A couple’s vacation is like being a band on tour. Scheduling in a few hours of “no-guilt” alone time is not a sign of a problem; it is the professional musician’s secret to ensuring that you are both excited and happy to be on stage together when it matters.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not having as much fun in your marriage as you could be.
The All-Business Corporation
It’s easy for a marriage to become a very efficient, but very boring, corporation focused on productivity and managing household tasks. You have become all business, and you have forgotten to schedule a “company picnic.” Fun, laughter, and play are not frivolous luxuries; they are the essential ingredients of a positive company culture. If your employees (you and your spouse) are not having any fun, their morale will drop, their productivity will suffer, and they will eventually start to hate their jobs. You have to schedule the picnic.
The reason you feel more like roommates than spouses is because you’ve stopped the small, daily acts of romance.
The Rent vs. The Love Note
Roommates have a transactional relationship. They split the chores and pay the bills. This is like paying the rent—it’s a necessary part of keeping the house running. But lovers have a romantic connection. They leave love notes on the fridge, they give unexpected compliments, they flirt. When you stop doing the small, romantic things, you are left with only the transactions. You have stopped being lovers and have become two very efficient people who are just paying the rent on time.
If you’re still not celebrating each other’s small wins, you’re losing a sense of partnership.
The Personal Cheerleader
A strong marriage means you are each other’s number one fan. When your partner has a small victory—a successful meeting at work, fixing a leaky faucet—and you don’t acknowledge it, it’s like their personal cheerleader was looking at their phone during the big play. Celebrating each other’s small wins is the act of being that cheerleader. It’s putting on the uniform, grabbing the pom-poms, and shouting “You did it!” It reinforces the feeling that you are a team, and that their victory is your victory, too.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about a long-term relationship is that the passion inevitably dies; it just changes form.
The Bonfire vs. The Embers
The passion of a new relationship is like a giant, crackling bonfire. It’s hot, exciting, and it lights up the whole sky. It’s also unsustainable. The lie is that when the bonfire burns down, the fire is out. The truth is that a well-tended fire doesn’t die; it transforms. The wild, unpredictable bonfire evolves into a deep, steady, and intensely hot bed of glowing embers. It might not be as flashy, but this is the kind of reliable, long-lasting heat that can keep you warm for a lifetime.
I wish I knew how to proactively plan for the “empty nest” phase of marriage before my kids left for college.
The Business Partners’ Next Venture
Imagine two business partners who have spent twenty years building a massive, all-consuming, and successful company together. If they never once talked about what they would do after that company was sold, they would find themselves on the day after the sale sitting in an empty office, looking at each other as strangers. Proactively planning for the empty nest is like those partners spending years excitedly brainstorming their next big venture together. When the first company is gone, they are not left with a void; they are ready and excited to launch their next chapter.
99% of couples make this one mistake when one partner retires: they don’t redefine their roles and daily structure.
The Two Actors After the Play Closes
For decades, a married couple can be like two actors starring in a long-running play called “Working Life.” You both have your roles, your schedules, and your routines. The day one person retires is the day the play unexpectedly closes. If you don’t sit down and consciously decide what your new play is going to be, you will just wander around the empty stage, bumping into each other and getting in each other’s way. You have to intentionally write, cast, and rehearse a whole new show called “Retirement.”
This one small action of planning for your future together will change how you approach your golden years as a couple forever.
Drawing the Map
Drifting into retirement and old age without a plan is like getting in a car for the final, most important road trip of your life with no map. You will just drive aimlessly until you run out of gas. Actively planning your future together—talking about where you want to live, what you want to do—is the act of drawing a beautiful, detailed, and exciting map for that final journey. It transforms the scary, unknown territory of the future into a shared, exciting adventure that you get to navigate together.
Use a marriage retreat to focus on your relationship, not just a regular vacation to escape from your life.
The Painkiller vs. The Physical Therapist
When your back is sore, a vacation is like taking a painkiller. It makes you feel better for a little while by helping you escape the pain, but it does nothing to fix the underlying problem. A marriage retreat is like going to a physical therapist. It might not be as relaxing as the painkiller, but it is a dedicated time to work with a professional to strengthen your core muscles, improve your flexibility, and fix the underlying issues that are causing the pain in the first place.
Stop thinking that you know everything about your partner. Do stay curious, because they are constantly evolving.
The Book You’ve Already Read
It’s easy in a long-term marriage to feel like you have already read the book of your partner from cover to cover. You know all the characters, you know all the plot twists, and you think there are no surprises left. But your partner is not a finished book. They are a living author who is writing new, surprising chapters every single year. The key to a vibrant marriage is to realize you are not holding a finished work. You are married to the author, and you should be excited to ask them every day, “What did you write today?”
Stop letting your careers take precedence over your marriage. Do maintain a healthy work-life integration that prioritizes your bond.
The Garden
Your marriage is a beautiful, living garden. Your careers are the important, necessary, but potentially invasive weeds that are always trying to take over. If you don’t actively and intentionally tend to your garden every single day—pulling the “work” weeds and watering the “relationship” flowers—the weeds will eventually choke out all the beauty and life. A healthy work-life integration is the act of being a vigilant gardener, ensuring that the most important thing in your yard is the thing that is thriving the most.
The #1 secret for a marriage that can withstand any storm is a deep, abiding friendship.
The Foundation of the House
A marriage is like a house. The romance, the passion, and the intimacy are the beautiful decorations—the paint, the furniture, the art. They are what make the house a beautiful place to live. But the deep, abiding friendship is the strong, solid, concrete foundation of that house. When a massive storm comes—a hurricane of job loss or an earthquake of illness—the decorations might get tossed around, but it is the strength of the foundation that will keep the entire house standing.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably taking your spouse for granted in dozens of small ways every day.
The Air You Breathe
Your partner’s presence and their daily contributions to your life can become like the air you breathe. It is essential for your survival, it is all around you, but you don’t even notice it. You just assume it will always be there. You only notice the air when you are suddenly choking. To take your spouse for granted is to treat them like air. The practice of gratitude is the conscious act of stopping, taking a deep breath, and saying, “I am so incredibly thankful for this air that is giving me life.”
The reason you’re bored in your marriage is because you’ve stopped being adventurous together.
The Same Meal Every Night
Imagine eating the exact same, nutritionally adequate, but ultimately boring meal for dinner every single night for years. You wouldn’t be surprised if you lost your appetite. Boredom in a marriage is the result of the same predictable routine. Being adventurous together—trying a new hobby, traveling to a new place, even just trying a new recipe for dinner—is the act of introducing new, exciting, and sometimes spicy ingredients to your diet. It’s what keeps you hungry for your life together.
If you’re still not saying “I love you” every single day, you’re losing a simple but powerful connection point.
The Daily Watering of a Plant
Assuming your partner knows you love them without ever saying it is like assuming a houseplant knows you appreciate it. The plant cannot survive on your unspoken feelings. It requires the real, tangible act of daily watering to thrive. Saying “I love you” every day is that small but essential watering. It is the simple, consistent action that keeps the roots of your connection nourished and ensures that your love doesn’t wither from neglect.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about a “perfect marriage” is that it exists.
The Photoshopped Magazine Cover
The idea of a “perfect marriage” is like the flawless, airbrushed model on the cover of a magazine. It is a beautiful, but completely unrealistic, illusion that has been edited to remove every single flaw, wrinkle, and imperfection. Chasing that ideal is a recipe for misery. A real, healthy, and beautiful marriage is not the photoshopped cover. It is the real, unedited person behind the photoshoot, with all of their beautiful, authentic, and sometimes messy imperfections.
I wish I knew that being a good partner meant being a good, whole person first when I said “I do.”
The Archway
A strong and beautiful marriage is like a classic Roman archway. It is held up by two strong, independent, and whole pillars. The archway’s strength comes from the fact that each pillar can stand entirely on its own. If one of the pillars is weak, crumbling, or incomplete, the entire structure will collapse under the slightest pressure. I wish I had known that my primary job was not to lean on my partner, but to become a pillar so strong that I could help hold up the beautiful space between us.
99% of people make this one mistake when they get comfortable in their marriage: they stop trying to be attractive for their partner.
The Grand Opening vs. The Five-Year Mark
When a restaurant has its grand opening, the owners put in a massive effort. The floors are sparkling, the service is impeccable, and the food is perfect. They are trying to win you over. When a couple gets comfortable, it’s like that same restaurant five years later. The effort has slipped, the floors are a little sticky, and they are taking your business for granted. Continuing to put in effort for your partner is the act of treating every day like it’s the grand opening, ensuring your most important customer always wants to come back.
This one small habit of a weekly “state of the union” meeting will change your marriage for the better forever.
The Regular Maintenance Check
A marriage is a complex and beautiful machine that needs regular maintenance to run smoothly. A weekly “state of the union” meeting is that scheduled maintenance check. It is a calm, dedicated time to look under the hood, to check the oil levels of your emotional connection, to rotate the tires of your shared responsibilities, and to make sure there are no small, hidden leaks that could cause a major breakdown later. It’s the proactive care that prevents the need for emergency repairs.
Use your partner’s primary love language to show affection, not just your own.
Speaking French to an English Speaker
Imagine your partner only speaks English, and you decide to show your love by repeatedly and passionately telling them “Je t’aime.” You are genuinely expressing love, but your message is not being received, because you are speaking the wrong language. Showing affection only in your own love language is just like this. You have to become bilingual. Learning to speak their language—whether it’s Acts of Service or Words of Affirmation—is the only way to ensure that the love you are sending is the love they are actually receiving.
Stop letting small annoyances build up into major resentments. Do address them kindly and quickly.
The Pebble in Your Shoe
A small, unaddressed annoyance in a marriage is like a tiny pebble in your shoe. At first, it’s easy to ignore. But if you keep walking on it, day after day, that tiny pebble will eventually rub your skin raw and create a massive, painful blister that makes it impossible to walk. It is much wiser, and much less painful, to stop for a moment when you first feel the pebble, take off your shoe, and kindly remove it before it has a chance to do any real damage.
Stop keeping a mental scorecard of who does what. Do give freely with a spirit of generosity.
The Potluck Dinner
A marriage based on a mental scorecard is like a dinner where everyone will only put a dish on the table if they are guaranteed to get something of equal or greater value in return. It’s a transactional, stingy, and joyless meal. A healthy marriage is a potluck. Everyone brings the best dish they can, not because of what they will get in return, but out of a generous spirit of wanting to contribute to a beautiful, shared feast. The joy is in the collective abundance, not the individual accounting.
The #1 hack for a more equal division of household labor is to assign ownership of entire domains, not just individual tasks.
The CEO of the Kitchen
Constantly having to ask your partner to do individual tasks is like being a micromanager who has to approve every small decision. It’s exhausting for you and demeaning for them. A better system is to assign ownership of entire domains. For example, one person becomes the “CEO of the Kitchen.” They are completely in charge of everything in that domain—the meal planning, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning. You don’t have to manage the tasks anymore, because you have trusted them to manage the entire department.
I’m just going to say it: Your marriage doesn’t have to look like your parents’ marriage.
The Inherited Blueprint
Many of us unconsciously believe that we have been handed the one and only blueprint for how a marriage should be built, and that blueprint is our parents’ relationship. We either try to copy it exactly or we try to build the exact opposite. But you don’t have to use their blueprint at all. You and your partner are the architects of a brand new, custom-designed home. You have the freedom to take the best elements from the past, discard what doesn’t work, and design a unique and beautiful structure that fits your specific lives.
The reason you’re not on the same page about parenting is because you haven’t explicitly discussed your core values.
The Two Different Maps
When you and your partner are not on the same page about parenting, it’s like you are two co-captains of a ship who are trying to navigate using two completely different maps—the maps of your own childhoods. One map might say “discipline is most important,” while the other says “creativity is most important.” You will constantly be arguing about which way to turn. You have to sit down together and create a new, shared map, based on your mutually agreed-upon core values. Only then can you navigate in the same direction.
If you’re still not showing verbal appreciation for what your spouse does, you’re losing their motivation to keep doing it.
The Paycheck of the Soul
Verbal appreciation is the paycheck of the soul. Imagine if you went to work every day, did your job well, but your boss never, ever paid you. You might keep working for a little while out of a sense of duty, but eventually, you would stop. Why would you keep doing the work if you are not being compensated? The hard work of a marriage runs on emotional currency. A simple, genuine “thank you” is a direct deposit of appreciation that makes your partner feel valued and motivated to keep investing their effort.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about commitment is that it’s a restriction of freedom; it’s actually the freedom to be fully yourself with someone.
The Rock Climber’s Rope
From a distance, the safety rope of a rock climber might look like a restriction. It’s a line that tethers them to the mountain. But the rope is not a restriction; it is the source of their freedom. It is the deep, unwavering security of that rope that gives the climber the confidence to let go, to reach for a difficult hold, and to ascend to heights they would never dare to attempt alone. A strong commitment is that safety rope. It doesn’t hold you back; it gives you the secure base you need to become your boldest self.
I wish I knew that it’s okay for my needs and desires to change over the course of my marriage.
The River
When I got married, I thought I was a fixed, solid entity, like a statue. I thought my needs and desires were set in stone. I wish I had known that a person is not a statue; a person is a river. A river is constantly, naturally, and beautifully changing its course over time. It is okay to be a different river at forty than you were at twenty. A healthy marriage is not about two statues remaining unchanged, but about two rivers learning to flow and carve a new, beautiful canyon together.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they are going through a hard time: they isolate themselves from their support system.
The Hurricane
Going through a major life crisis is like being told a hurricane is heading directly for your house. The worst possible strategy is to lock yourselves inside, board up the windows, and try to weather the storm alone. The smartest, and safest, strategy is to heed the warnings and evacuate to the community storm shelter. Your friends and family are that shelter. Leaning on your support system during a crisis is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of wisdom.
This one small action of holding hands when you’re out in public will change your sense of being a unified couple forever.
Wearing the Team Jersey
A professional sports team wears a uniform. It’s a public signal to the world, and to each other, that they are a unified entity, working together towards a common goal. Holding hands in public is the jersey of a married couple. It is a small, simple, but powerful non-verbal signal that says, “We are a team. We are connected. We belong together.” It’s a quiet declaration of your alliance that strengthens your bond every time you do it.
Use a shared spiritual practice, even if it’s just a daily gratitude moment, not just separate belief systems.
The Shared Song
You and your partner might have very different tastes in music, representing your different spiritual beliefs. But a shared spiritual practice is like finding one beautiful, simple song that you both love and agreeing to listen to it together for a few minutes every single morning. A daily gratitude practice, a shared moment of meditation, or a walk in nature can be that song. It doesn’t replace your individual playlists; it just creates a consistent, harmonious ritual that starts your day on a shared, peaceful note.
Stop letting health issues become a source of conflict. Do face them as a team, with you against the illness.
The Research Team
When a health issue enters a marriage, it’s easy to fall into roles that create conflict—the “patient” and the “caretaker,” or the “nag” and the “non-compliant one.” A better approach is to form a two-person research team. The illness is the complex problem you have been assigned to solve. You are now two dedicated scientists, working together in the lab of your life, supporting each other, sharing data, and collaborating on a strategy to fight your common enemy. It’s you and your partner against the problem, not against each other.
Stop making assumptions about what your partner thinks about your marriage. Do ask them, “How are we doing?”
The Co-Pilot Check-in
A good pilot doesn’t just assume they know the status of the entire airplane. They perform regular checks, and they talk to their co-pilot. Asking your partner, “How are we doing?” is a crucial systems check for your relationship. It’s the pilot turning to the co-pilot and asking, “How are the engines looking on your side? Are all the gauges in the green?” It’s a simple question that replaces dangerous assumptions with real-time, vital data that you need to keep your plane safely in the air.
The #1 secret for a marriage that is full of laughter is to be able to laugh at yourselves.
The Pressure Release Valve
Life is a pressure cooker. The daily stresses of work, finances, and parenting build up a huge amount of steam inside your marriage. If you don’t have a way to let that steam out, the pressure will eventually lead to an explosion. Being able to laugh at yourselves, and at the absurdity of life, is the pressure release valve. A shared, hearty laugh at a silly mistake is the fastest way to vent the steam of tension, leaving you both feeling lighter, more connected, and less likely to explode.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as supportive of your spouse’s dreams as you think you are.
The Fan in the Stands vs. The Coach on the Field
Passive support is being a fan in the stands. You show up for the games and you cheer, which is nice. But active support is being the coach on the field. It’s helping them run the drills, talking through strategy, and getting your hands dirty. When your spouse has a dream, ask yourself if you are just cheering from the sidelines, or if you are actively asking, “What can I do this week to help you move the ball down the field?” One is passive encouragement; the other is active partnership.
The reason your marriage lacks excitement is because you’ve stopped surprising each other with small gestures.
The Subscription Box
A good subscription box is exciting not because the items inside are necessarily life-changing, but because it is a predictable delivery of an unpredictable delight. It’s a small surprise that breaks up the monotony. Small, surprising gestures in a marriage—a favorite snack brought home from the store, a love note tucked into a coat pocket—are like a personalized subscription box for your partner. They are small, consistent injections of novelty and thoughtfulness that keep your partner excited to see what you’ll deliver next.
If you’re still not truly forgiving your spouse for past mistakes, you’re losing your chance for a happy future.
Driving with Your Eyes on the Rearview Mirror
Refusing to forgive a past hurt is like trying to drive a car forward while staring intently into the rearview mirror. You are so focused on the landscape of what is behind you—the accident, the wrong turn—that you cannot see the beautiful, open road in front of you. You will inevitably crash. True forgiveness is the act of turning your head back to the front, putting your eyes on the windshield, and trusting your partner to help you navigate the road ahead, together.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about trust is that once it’s broken, it can’t be rebuilt; it can, but it takes immense work.
The Broken Bone
When trust is broken, it can feel like a bone has been shattered into a million pieces. The lie is that it can never be functional again. The truth is that, like a shattered bone, it can heal. But it requires a master surgeon (a therapist, perhaps), a long and painful process of setting the bones (radical honesty and accountability), and a grueling period of rehabilitation (consistent, trustworthy actions over a long time). It will be a long and difficult recovery, but the bone can actually heal to be even stronger than it was before.
I wish I knew that a great marriage is made up of two great forgivers when I tied the knot.
The Self-Cleaning Oven
Every marriage, no matter how wonderful, will accumulate the grime of daily life—the small hurts, the misunderstandings, the thoughtless comments. If you never clean it, that grime will build up until it becomes a toxic, smoky mess. I wish I had known that forgiveness is the “self-clean” function on the oven. A great marriage isn’t one where the oven never gets dirty; it’s one where both partners know how to regularly turn on the high heat of forgiveness, burn away all the accumulated grime, and make the space clean and beautiful again.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they talk about their future: they don’t talk about their fears.
The Two Explorers
When a couple plans their future, they often act like two excited explorers, looking at a map and only talking about the beautiful, sunny island they hope to discover. But a smart explorer also talks about the potential dangers—the storms, the sea monsters, the pirates. Talking about your fears for the future is not negative; it’s smart planning. It allows you and your co-explorer to pack the right supplies and to make a plan for how you will protect each other if you encounter those dangers along the way.
This one small habit of dreaming out loud together, without judgment, will change the trajectory of your life as a couple forever.
Looking at the Clouds
Dreaming out loud together should be like two kids lying in the grass, looking up at the clouds, and saying what shapes they see. One might see a dragon, the other might see a castle. There is no judgment, no criticism, and no logistical planning. It is a pure, creative, and joyful act of shared imagination. This practice creates a powerful bond and keeps your shared life from being only about the logistical reality on the ground. It reminds you both to keep looking up at the sky.
Use a vision board for your life as a couple, not just for your individual career goals.
The Architectural Blueprint
A vision board for your marriage is the architectural blueprint for the future you want to build together. It’s a tangible, visual representation of your shared dreams and goals. It’s easy to get lost in the day-to-day work of laying bricks and pouring concrete, and to forget what the finished house is supposed to look like. Your shared vision board is the blueprint you can both look at every day to remind yourselves, “Ah yes, this is the beautiful, magnificent structure we are working so hard to create together.”
Stop letting the “business” of life (chores, bills) crowd out the joy. Do schedule fun and relaxation with the same seriousness.
The Budget for Joy
Most responsible couples have a detailed budget for their money. They allocate specific funds for necessities like housing and food. But we often forget to create a budget for our joy. We just hope we’ll have some leftover time and energy for fun at the end of the month. You have to schedule joy with the same seriousness as you schedule a dentist appointment. By putting “fun” and “relaxation” as non-negotiable line items in your weekly time budget, you guarantee that the business of life won’t bankrupt your happiness.
Stop thinking of your marriage as a noun. Do think of it as a verb, something you actively build every day.
The Campfire
A marriage is not a thing you have; it is a thing you do. Thinking of your marriage as a noun is like thinking a campfire is a static object. But a campfire is a process. It only exists because you are actively doing the work of finding wood, arranging the logs, and tending the flames. The moment you stop doing those actions, the fire ceases to exist. A strong marriage is the same. It is the beautiful, warm result of the daily, conscious, active verb of loving your partner.
The #1 hack for a marriage that feels like a true partnership is to always assume your partner has good intentions.
The Foreign Language Translator
Your partner’s actions are often like a foreign language. It’s easy to misinterpret them. When your partner does something that hurts you, you have a choice. You can assume they are a bad translator, intentionally choosing the most hurtful words to wound you. Or, you can practice the “principle of charitable interpretation.” You can assume they are a good person who is just clumsy with their words, and that their intention was not to hurt you. This one assumption will change the entire tone of your interpretation.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably in a codependent marriage and mistake it for closeness.
The Two Vines vs. The Two Trees
A codependent marriage is like two weak vines that have grown so tightly around each other that they are now indistinguishable. They are holding each other up, and if you were to separate them, they would both collapse. It looks like closeness, but it is a union born of weakness. A healthy, interdependent marriage is like two strong, magnificent trees that have grown up side-by-side. Their branches intertwine and they share a canopy, but they each have their own strong trunk and their own deep root system.
The reason you’re not happy in your marriage is because you’re not happy with yourself.
Your Own Garden
Expecting your partner to make you happy is like owning an empty, barren plot of land and expecting your neighbor to come over and turn it into a beautiful garden for you. It is an impossible and unfair request. Your personal happiness is your own garden. It is your job, and your job alone, to till the soil, to plant the seeds of your own interests, and to water your own flowers. A partner is a wonderful fellow gardener who can appreciate your beautiful garden and show you theirs, but they cannot do your gardening for you.
If you’re still expecting your spouse to be the source of your happiness, you’re losing your own power to create it.
The Sun in Your Sky
When you make your spouse the sun, the single source of all the light and warmth in your personal sky, you give them an impossible amount of power and responsibility. Your happiness will then depend entirely on their weather. A healthier approach is to learn how to be your own sun. When you can generate your own light and warmth through your own passions and self-worth, your partner is no longer a celestial body you depend on for survival. They can be a beautiful moon that reflects your light back to you.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about marriage is that it’s the end of your personal freedom; a good marriage enhances it.
The Safe Harbor
A bad marriage can feel like a prison that restricts your freedom. But a good marriage is a safe harbor. A ship is not free if it is constantly being tossed around in a dangerous, stormy sea. That is not freedom; that is survival. A safe harbor does not trap the ship. It gives the ship a secure, stable, and supportive place to rest, to refuel, and to prepare for its next great voyage. A strong marriage gives you the security you need to go out into the world and be your most adventurous self.
I wish I knew that being married to my best friend would be the greatest adventure of my life when I was a young bride.
The Co-Pilot
I used to think that marriage was the end of adventure. I thought it was about settling down and the story being over. I wish I had known that marrying your best friend is not the end of the adventure; it is the moment you finally find your permanent, trusted co-pilot. It means you no longer have to fly solo. The adventures you can have when you have a brilliant, funny, and supportive partner in the cockpit with you are infinitely greater and more wonderful than any you could ever have on your own.
99% of people make this one mistake when they feel their marriage is in trouble: they complain to their friends instead of a therapist.
The Car Mechanic
When your car starts making a strange, alarming noise, you don’t just complain about it to your friends who are not mechanics. They might be sympathetic, but they cannot diagnose the problem. Complaining to them might even make you feel worse. The smart thing to do is to take the car to a trained, professional mechanic who has the tools and the expertise to look under the hood and help you figure out what is actually wrong. A therapist is a specialist mechanic for the engine of your relationship.
This one small action of reading a relationship book together will change how you approach your marriage forever.
The New Cookbook
Imagine if you and your partner had been cooking the same three meals for a decade. You would be bored, and you would probably be arguing about who has to cook the same bland meal again. Reading a relationship book together is like buying a new, exciting cookbook. Suddenly, you have a shared language, new recipes to try, and new techniques to learn. It transforms the chore of making the same old meal into an exciting, collaborative project of learning to create a more delicious and nourishing relationship.
Use a marriage counselor as a coach to improve your skills, not just as a referee for your fights.
The Pro Athlete’s Coach
Most people think of a marriage counselor as a referee you hire to make the right call in a nasty fight. But the best athletes in the world don’t hire coaches just because they are failing. They hire coaches because they want to go from good to great. A marriage counselor is a coach. They can teach you new plays, help you improve your communication skills, and give you the feedback you need to become an elite, championship-level team.
Stop letting your pride prevent you from apologizing first. Do be the one to extend the olive branch.
The Two Stranded Ships
After a bad fight, a couple can be like two ships that are stranded in a calm but icy sea, both waiting for the other to send the first rescue boat. Pride is the anchor that keeps your ship stuck in place. Both of you will stay stranded forever if someone doesn’t have the courage to be the first one to pull up the anchor and extend an olive branch. Apologizing first isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of leadership. It is the brave act of a captain who values the shared journey more than their own pride.
Stop threatening divorce in arguments. Do commit to working through your problems, no matter how hard.
The Pilot with the Parachute
Threatening divorce during an argument is like a pilot of a commercial airplane announcing to the passengers, “If this turbulence gets any worse, I’m just going to grab a parachute and jump out.” It creates instant panic and completely destroys any sense of safety and trust. A committed partner is a pilot who gets on the intercom and says, “Folks, we’re in for some rough weather, but I want to assure you that I am going to stay in this cockpit and do everything in my power to land this plane safely.”
The #1 secret for a marriage that is built to last is to never stop being each other’s biggest fan.
The Front Row Fan
In a long-term marriage, it’s easy to become more of a critic than a fan. You notice the mistakes, you point out the flaws. But a lasting marriage requires you to be the person in the front row of your partner’s life, wearing a homemade t-shirt with their face on it, holding a giant sign, and cheering louder than anyone else in the stadium. You have to be their unwavering, and sometimes slightly embarrassing, number one fan, especially on the days when they are playing a losing game.
I’m just going to say it: Your marriage is probably better than you give it credit for.
The Leaky Faucet in the Mansion
It is a quirk of human nature that if you are living in a magnificent, beautiful mansion, but there is one single, annoying, leaky faucet in a back bathroom, you will spend 90% of your time thinking about the leak. You will obsess over it, complain about it, and let it ruin your experience of the entire house. Many of us do this with our marriages. We focus so intently on the one small leak that we forget to appreciate the magnificent, wonderful, and life-giving mansion that we are lucky enough to live in.
The reason you’re focusing on the negative is because you’ve stopped practicing active gratitude for your partner.
The Treasure Hunt
If you go into your day on a treasure hunt, looking for all the things your partner is doing right, you will find chests full of gold. You will notice the way they made the coffee, the kind word they said, the chore they did without being asked. If you go into your day on a fault-finding mission, looking for all the things your partner is doing wrong, you will find mountains of dirt. Your reality is shaped by your mission. Gratitude is the conscious choice to go on a daily treasure hunt.
If you’re still not telling your spouse “I appreciate you” on a regular basis, you’re losing a vital source of positivity.
The Emotional Bank Account
Your marriage has an emotional bank account. Positive interactions, compliments, and gestures of appreciation are deposits. Negative interactions and criticisms are withdrawals. Saying “I appreciate you” is one of the easiest and most powerful deposits you can make. If you are only ever making withdrawals, you will eventually overdraw the account, and your relationship will go into a deep and joyless debt. You have to be a consistent depositor to keep your account, and your love, in a state of abundance.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about marriage is that you have to lose yourself in it; a strong marriage requires two strong individuals.
The Arch
A marriage is not about two people melting into one amorphous blob. A strong marriage is like a beautiful archway. The strength and beauty of the arch is entirely dependent on the existence of two separate, strong, and independent pillars. The space between the pillars is just as important as the pillars themselves. If the two pillars were to merge into one, the entire structure would collapse. You have to remain a strong, distinct individual to be a good partner.
I wish I knew that a strong marriage is a choice you make over and over again when I got married.
The Subscription Service
I thought that saying “I do” was like buying a lifetime membership to a club. I thought it was a one-and-done transaction. I wish I had known that a strong marriage is actually a subscription service. You have to wake up every single morning and consciously hit the “renew subscription” button. It’s a daily, intentional choice to stay in the club, to keep investing, and to keep showing up for your partner, and for the beautiful thing you are building together.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their wedding vows: they forget what they said.
The Company’s Mission Statement
Your wedding vows are the founding mission statement of your marriage. They are the core principles upon which you built your entire partnership. Imagine a successful company where, ten years after it was founded, none of the employees could remember the company’s original mission. It would lose its way. Your marriage is the same. You have to keep your founding document, your mission statement, front and center, or you will forget the “why” behind everything you do.
This one small habit of rereading your wedding vows to each other every anniversary will change your commitment forever.
Re-Stating the Mission
A great company will often start its annual meeting by re-reading its original mission statement out loud. It’s a powerful way to re-center the team and to remind everyone of the core purpose of their work. Rereading your vows on your anniversary is your annual mission statement review. It is a beautiful and grounding ritual that dusts off your founding principles and allows you to consciously recommit to the promises you made and the purpose you share.
Use a shared legacy project, like volunteering or a creative endeavor, to give your partnership a deeper meaning.
The Cathedral
A marriage that is only focused on managing the household and raising children is like two people who are very good at building a comfortable, functional house. But a marriage that has a shared legacy project is like two people who have decided to build a magnificent cathedral together. A legacy project—something that will outlast you and make the world a slightly better place—elevates your partnership from the mundane to the sacred. It gives your teamwork a deeper, spiritual meaning.