Use radical honesty delivered with kindness, not “brutal honesty” used as a weapon.
The Surgeon’s Scalpel vs. The Butcher’s Cleaver
I used to pride myself on “brutal honesty,” thinking I was a warrior of truth. In reality, I was just a brute, swinging a heavy club labeled “The Truth” and causing a lot of damage. I learned that honesty should be a surgeon’s scalpel, not a butcher’s cleaver. Both cut, but the surgeon’s intention is to be precise, to heal, and to make things better. The butcher just hacks away. Radical honesty delivered with kindness is the art of being a surgeon—using the sharp, necessary tool of truth with the sole intention of healing the relationship, not just winning the point.
Stop snooping through your partner’s phone. Do have a direct conversation about your insecurities instead.
The Leaky Pipe and the Mop
When I felt insecure, my first instinct was to snoop. It was like seeing a puddle on the floor and frantically mopping it up, thinking I was solving the problem. But the puddle would always return, because snooping is just mopping. It never fixes the source of the water. My insecurity was the leaky pipe hidden in the wall. The only way to truly fix the problem was to stop mopping, put down the phone, and have the courageous conversation about the pipe itself—to turn to my partner and say, “I feel a leak inside me, can you help me fix it?”
Stop making promises you can’t keep. Do under-promise and over-deliver instead.
The Blueprint vs. The Bridge
For a long time, my promises were just beautiful architectural blueprints for magnificent bridges. I would describe them in grand detail, but when my partner needed to cross a canyon, all they had was a piece of paper. They couldn’t walk on a blueprint. I learned that trust isn’t built on drawings; it’s built on solid structures. It’s far better to promise a simple, sturdy footbridge and then show up and build a solid stone one. Under-promising and over-delivering means people trust what you build, not just what you say you’ll build.
The #1 secret for rebuilding trust after it’s been broken is consistent, transparent action over time, not just words.
Rebuilding the Burned-Down House
After trust has been broken, a heartfelt apology is just a sign you place in front of a pile of ash that says, “A beautiful new house will be built here.” But your partner cannot live in a sign. Rebuilding trust is the slow, grueling, and non-negotiable work of construction. It is clearing every piece of charred rubble, pouring a new foundation of radical honesty, and then patiently laying every single brick of reliable, consistent, and transparent action, day after day, until a new, stronger house is actually standing.
I’m just going to say it: If you have to hide it or delete it, it’s a form of cheating.
The Hidden Room in Your House
A healthy relationship is like a house where your partner has a key and is welcome in every room. If you are having conversations, sending pictures, or maintaining friendships that you have to hide in a secret, locked room in the basement, you are creating a betrayal. You are building a part of your life that your partner is not allowed to see. The act of hiding and deleting is the sound of you installing a deadbolt on that door. It doesn’t matter what’s in the room; the fact that the room is a secret is the infidelity itself.
The reason your partner doesn’t trust you is because your actions are not aligned with your words.
The Two Misaligned Wheels
Trust is like the alignment on a car. When your words and your actions are perfectly aligned, the car drives smoothly and your partner can relax on the journey. But if you say you are going to turn right, and then you swerve left, the alignment is off. The ride becomes jarring, unpredictable, and scary. Your partner can no longer trust that the steering wheel (your words) is actually connected to the tires (your actions). They will be in a constant state of anxiety, bracing for the next unexpected and dangerous turn.
If you’re still telling “small white lies,” you’re losing the foundation of your relationship.
The Termites in the Foundation
A relationship is a house, and trust is its concrete foundation. A big lie is like a sledgehammer to that foundation—it creates obvious, catastrophic damage. But small, “harmless” white lies are like a silent termite infestation. Each individual lie is a tiny, seemingly insignificant insect. But over time, that colony of small lies will quietly eat away at the structural integrity of your foundation, until the entire house is unstable and on the verge of collapse. It’s the small, unseen pests that often do the most damage.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about trust is that it’s a feeling; it’s actually a choice.
The Leaky Boat
When trust has been broken, waiting to “feel” trust again is like sitting in a leaky boat and waiting for the water to magically disappear. The feeling of safety will never come. Trust is not a feeling that returns on its own; it is an active choice. It is the vulnerable, courageous choice to pick up a bucket and start bailing out the water of your fear. And it is your partner’s job to make the equally active choice to pick up a hammer and start patching the holes with their consistent, trustworthy actions.
I wish I knew that trust is built in tiny, everyday moments of reliability, not grand gestures, when I was in my first serious relationship.
The Wall of Bricks
I used to think that trust was built through big, heroic acts, like a knight saving a princess from a dragon. I was waiting for the grand gesture. I wish I had known that trust is a wall that is built, not with giant, dramatic boulders, but with thousands of small, ordinary bricks. Every time you call when you say you will, every time you keep a small promise, every time you show up on time, you are laying another brick. The grand gestures are nice, but the wall’s true strength comes from the slow, patient accumulation of tiny, reliable bricks.
99% of people make this one mistake when they’ve been betrayed: they make decisions based on their immediate pain instead of their long-term values.
The Storm-Tossed Ship
Betrayal is a hurricane. In the immediate aftermath, your ship is being tossed around by the massive, terrifying waves of your pain and anger. Making a permanent, life-altering decision in the middle of that storm is incredibly dangerous. Your only job in that moment is to hold on and survive. You must wait for the storm to pass and for the waters to calm. Only when you are in the clear, calm water of your long-term values can you pull out your compass and make a wise, navigational decision about which direction to sail.
This one small action of being consistently reliable in the small things will build a mountain of trust over time.
The Trickle of Water
Every time you do what you say you will do, no matter how small, it is like a single drop of water carving a path through stone. One drop seems insignificant. But the consistent, reliable trickle of those drops, day after day, year after year, will eventually carve a deep, magnificent canyon of trust. It is not the flash flood of a single grand gesture that creates the canyon; it is the relentless, patient, and humble consistency of the small drops over a very long time.
Use a policy of full transparency with your digital life, not secrecy that breeds suspicion.
The House with Glass Walls
A relationship where there is secrecy around phones and computers is like a house with solid, sound-proof walls. It’s easy to wonder what is happening in the other rooms. A policy of transparency is like choosing to build a house with glass walls. It’s not about constantly spying on each other; it’s about the fact that you have nothing to hide. The passive knowledge that you could look into any room at any time is what creates the profound sense of safety and eliminates the need to ever actually look.
Stop getting defensive when your partner asks you a question about your whereabouts. Do be open and reassuring instead.
The Smoke and the Fire Alarm
When your partner asks a question that seems suspicious, it’s like a smoke alarm has gone off in their heart, triggered by their own insecurity or a past experience. If you react with defensiveness and anger, it is like yelling at the smoke alarm for making a noise. It doesn’t help. A better response is to act like a calm, reassuring firefighter. You hear the alarm, you acknowledge their fear, and you say, “I hear your alarm, I understand you’re scared. Let me open all the doors and show you that there is no fire.”
Stop making excuses for your dishonest behavior. Do take full ownership and apologize without caveats.
The Hit-and-Run Driver
Making an excuse for a lie is like being a hit-and-run driver who tells the person they just injured, “I’m sorry I hit you, but you were walking too slowly and the sun was in my eyes.” This is not a real apology; it is an attempt to deflect blame. A real, ownership-based apology is the driver who gets out of the car, hands over their license and insurance, and says, “There is no excuse. This was my fault, and I will take full responsibility for repairing the damage I have caused.”
The #1 hack for a relationship built on a strong foundation of trust is to be a trustworthy person yourself.
The Lighthouse
If you want to attract a trustworthy ship, you cannot be a flickering, unreliable, and deceptive light on a dangerous reef. You will only attract ships that are already lost and broken. The only way to attract a strong, steady, and seaworthy vessel into your harbor is to first become a lighthouse. You must do the hard, internal work of building your own solid foundation of integrity and of cultivating your own bright, consistent, and unwavering light of honesty. A great ship will not come to a weak light.
I’m just going to say it: Your “little white lies” to “protect their feelings” are actually to protect yourself from their reaction.
The Padded Walls
Telling a “white lie” to spare your partner’s feelings feels noble, but it’s often a selfish act of self-preservation. It’s like you are living in a house with a partner who you see as so fragile that you have to cover all the sharp corners and pad all the walls to protect them from the harsh reality of the truth. But in doing so, you are not protecting them; you are trapping yourself in a padded, dishonest room, and you are doing it because you are afraid of the tantrum they might throw if they bump into a hard truth.
The reason you’re so suspicious of your partner is because you’re projecting your own untrustworthy behavior or past experiences.
The Dirty Windshield
Being suspicious of a trustworthy partner is like driving a car with a filthy, mud-splattered windshield and blaming the beautiful, sunny day for being so dark and gloomy. You are not seeing the world as it is; you are seeing the world through the filter of your own dirt. The dirt might be your own past betrayals, or it might be the mud from a previous relationship’s bad road. But the solution is not to get angry at the scenery; it is to have the self-awareness to pull over and clean your own windshield.
If you’re still not dealing with your own trust issues from past relationships, you’re losing the chance for a healthy new one.
The Ghost in the House
Your unresolved trust issues are a ghost from a past relationship that you have allowed to move into your beautiful new house with your new partner. This ghost will flicker the lights, slam the doors, and create a constant feeling of unease. Your new partner can’t see the ghost, so they will be confused by the chaotic energy in the house. You cannot have a peaceful new life until you have the courage to hire an exorcist (a therapist) and finally evict the ghost of your past.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about infidelity is that it’s just about sex; emotional affairs are often more devastating.
The Foundation vs. The Windows
A physical affair is like someone coming and throwing a giant rock through the windows of your house. It is a shocking, visible, and painful violation that shatters your sense of security. But an emotional affair is like discovering a termite infestation that has been silently eating away at the wooden foundation of your house for months. The windows can be replaced, but a foundation that has been hollowed out from the inside can cause the entire house to collapse.
I wish I knew that a friendship with emotional intimacy that excluded my partner was a betrayal when I was younger.
The Secret Garden
I used to think that as long as a friendship was not physical, it was harmless. I wish I had known that the emotional intimacy of a marriage is a beautiful, private, and sacred garden that is meant only for two people. When I started sharing my deepest feelings, dreams, and frustrations with a “friend” instead of my partner, I was not just talking. I was secretly planting and watering a second, hidden garden with someone else. And the water I was giving to that secret garden was the water I was stealing from my own.
99% of couples make this one mistake after an affair: they focus on the details of the affair instead of the problems in the marriage that led to it.
The Leaky Roof and the Puddle
Discovering an affair is like finding a massive, shocking puddle of water in the middle of your living room. The mistake most couples make is to become obsessed with the puddle. They spend all their time analyzing its size, its shape, and the exact chemical composition of the water. But the puddle is just the symptom. The real problem is the hole in the roof that allowed the rain to get in. You have to have the courage to stop looking at the puddle and to start talking about the leaky, neglected roof of your marriage.
This one small habit of proactively sharing your day, without being asked, will change the level of trust in your relationship.
The Open Door Policy
When you are quiet and secretive about your day, it is like your inner world is a house with a closed and locked door. Your partner is left outside, wondering what is going on in there, which can breed suspicion. Proactively sharing small details—”I had a great lunch with Sarah,” or “My boss was so annoying today”—is like having an open-door policy. It is a small, consistent gesture that says, “You are welcome here. I have nothing to hide. Come on in.”
Use a policy of full transparency with your finances. Stop hiding purchases or debt.
The Business Partners
Imagine you are a co-owner of a small business. A strong partnership is built on the fact that both owners have full access to the company’s financial records. Hiding a debt or a secret purchase is like keeping a second, hidden set of books. The moment that hidden ledger is discovered, the business partnership is fundamentally broken, because trust is the only real currency a partnership has. Your marriage is the most important business you will ever run. You must keep one, and only one, set of books.
Stop maintaining “secret” friendships your partner doesn’t know about. Do integrate the important people in your life.
The Two Separate Circles
A healthy relationship is like a Venn diagram, with two whole, separate circles (you and your partner) that have a beautiful, significant overlap in the middle. A secret friendship is like drawing a third, hidden circle on the far side of your own, completely outside the diagram. It is a part of your life that you are actively walling off from your partner. A healthy friendship is a circle that you are excited to bring into the diagram, to let it touch and overlap with the world you and your partner have built together.
Stop being friends with people who disrespect your partner or your relationship. Do set boundaries to protect your partnership.
The Guards at the Gate
Your marriage is a beautiful, sovereign nation of two people. You and your partner are the guards at the gate. When you allow a “friend” to come into your country and to openly disrespect its other leader or its laws, you are not being a good friend; you are being a traitor. Your highest allegiance must be to your own nation. A true friend will respect your borders. You must be willing to tell any disrespectful visitor that if they cannot respect the rules of your country, they are no longer welcome inside its walls.
The #1 secret for a relationship where both partners feel secure is to make your partner feel prioritized over everyone else.
The VIP Section
In the nightclub of your life, there will be many different people—friends, family, co-workers. A secure relationship means that your partner is the one and only person who has the permanent, laminated, all-access pass to the exclusive VIP section in your heart. Everyone else is welcome in the main club, but your partner must know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they have a special, elevated status, and that you will always save the best seat and the best champagne for them.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as trustworthy as you think you are.
The Unseen Camera
We all judge ourselves by our own good intentions, which are invisible to others. We are like an actor in a movie who knows their motivation for every scene. But your partner cannot see your intentions. They can only see your actions. They are the audience, watching the movie. You might think you are playing the role of a trustworthy hero, but if you were to watch the silent, objective footage of your own actions from the last month, you might be surprised to see that you actually look a lot more like a shifty, unreliable character.
The reason you don’t trust your partner is because you don’t trust yourself to handle a potential betrayal.
The Wobbly Ladder
Not trusting your partner is often not about them; it is about you. It is like you are standing on a very high, wobbly ladder of your own self-worth. You are so terrified of falling that you are constantly yelling at your partner, who is on the ground, to stand perfectly still. But their movement is not the problem. The problem is that you do not trust your own strength and resilience to be able to handle a fall. When you know that you are strong enough to survive a fall, you stop being so terrified of the ladder shaking.
If you’re still not being honest with yourself about your own desires and feelings, you’re losing the ability to be honest with your partner.
The Muddy Spring
Your own heart is the spring from which all the water of your communication flows. If you are not honest with yourself, if you are not aware of what is really happening in your own heart, then that spring is full of mud and debris. You cannot offer your partner a clean, clear glass of water if your own source is muddy. Radical honesty with your partner is only possible after you have done the hard, internal work of cleaning out your own spring, so you can see your own feelings with clarity.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about honesty is that it’s always the best policy; sometimes, compassionate silence is better.
The Unnecessary X-Ray
Honesty is a powerful diagnostic tool, like an X-ray machine. It can reveal important, hidden truths. But you don’t need to X-ray every single part of a person’s life. Asking your partner for every single detail of a past experience that has no bearing on the present is an unnecessary X-ray. It is a dose of radiation that doesn’t help. Sometimes, the most compassionate and trusting thing you can do is to realize that you don’t need to see every single bone to know that the person you love is healthy.
I wish I knew the difference between being honest and being cruel when I was in my 20s.
The Mirror and the Hammer
Honesty should be a mirror that you hold up to your partner with a gentle, loving hand, to help them see a blind spot. The goal is to help them see themselves more clearly. But I used to use honesty as a hammer. I would find a flaw, a vulnerability, and I would hit it as hard as I could with the heavy hammer of “I’m just being honest.” One is an act of love, designed to help. The other is an act of violence, designed to hurt.
99% of people make this one mistake when they have to tell their partner a difficult truth: they delay it, which makes it worse.
The Small Leak
A difficult truth is like a small leak you have discovered in the hull of a ship. Delaying the conversation because you are afraid of the conflict is like deciding to just let the leak drip, hoping it will go away on its own. It will not. The water will continue to rise, the damage will get worse, and what started as a small, repairable leak will soon become a catastrophic, ship-sinking flood. You have to have the courage to address the leak the moment you discover it.
This one small action of being direct, kind, and immediate with difficult news will build respect and trust.
The Surgeon’s Diagnosis
When a surgeon has to deliver bad news to a patient, a good one is direct, kind, and immediate. They don’t stall, they don’t sugarcoat, and they don’t lie. They deliver the difficult truth with compassion and a clear plan for what to do next. This builds trust, even in a difficult moment. When you have to tell your partner a hard truth, be that good surgeon. Your directness will show that you respect them enough to be honest, and your kindness will show that you are there to help them through the recovery.
Use a shared password manager for joint accounts to create transparency, not keeping secrets about your online life.
The Master Key
A shared password manager for joint accounts is like having a master key to your shared digital house. It’s not about using that key to sneak into your partner’s room and spy on them. It’s about the fact that you have both agreed that there are no locked rooms in your shared home. The simple, passive knowledge that you both hold the master key creates a profound sense of trust and transparency, which makes the need to ever use it on each other’s private rooms completely unnecessary.
Stop making your partner guess what you’re thinking. Do be open and honest about your feelings, even the “ugly” ones.
The Locked Diary
Your inner world of feelings is like a private diary. Expecting your partner to know what’s in it without you telling them is like expecting them to be a psychic who can read a locked book. It’s an impossible test. Being emotionally honest is the act of finding the courage to unlock that diary, even on the pages where you have written down your “ugly” thoughts, and allowing your partner to read it. True intimacy is not about having a perfect diary; it’s about being willing to share the real, messy, and human one you actually have.
Stop hiding your past mistakes from your partner. Do be vulnerable and share your story when the time is right.
The Scars
Hiding a major past mistake is like wearing a long-sleeved shirt all the time to hide a significant scar. You are constantly afraid of being exposed, and you can never be fully comfortable. Being vulnerable and sharing that story is the act of rolling up your sleeves. A good partner will not be repulsed by your scar. They will see it as a part of your story, as a testament to your survival, and they will likely love you even more for the courage you showed in revealing it.
The #1 hack for a relationship that is free from jealousy is to build your own self-esteem.
The Unshakeable Mountain
When your self-esteem is low, you are like a small, wobbly shack that is terrified of every passing storm. The slightest wind of a potential rival can make you feel like you are about to collapse. When you have a strong, solid foundation of self-worth, you are an unshakeable mountain. The storms of life can rage around you, other beautiful mountains can appear on the horizon, but you remain calm, steady, and secure in your own magnificent presence. The storm is no longer a threat.
I’m just going to say it: Your jealousy is your responsibility to manage, not your partner’s to placate.
The Leaky Bucket
Your jealousy and insecurity are a leak in your own bucket. It is not your partner’s job to spend their entire life frantically pouring their water of reassurance into your bucket, trying to keep it full while it is constantly leaking from the bottom. That is an exhausting and impossible task. It is your job, and your job alone, to do the internal work of finding the source of the leak and patching your own bucket, so that you can finally hold your own water.
The reason you’re so insecure is because you’re comparing your relationship’s reality to the curated fantasy of others on social media.
The Highlight Reel vs. Your Raw Footage
Comparing your relationship to what you see on social media is like comparing the raw, unedited, behind-the-scenes footage of your own movie to your competitor’s perfectly edited, action-packed trailer. The trailer will always look more exciting. It has been specifically designed to hide all the boring scenes and to show only the most spectacular moments. You are driving yourself crazy by comparing your real, complex, feature-length film to someone else’s two-minute highlight reel.
If you’re still demanding to read your partner’s private messages, you’re losing their trust by not giving it.
The Garden and the Gardener
Trust is a seed that you give to your partner. Your job is to provide the sunshine of your belief and the water of your faith, and to trust them to be a good gardener of that seed. Demanding to read their messages is the act of digging up that seed every single morning to check if it is still there. You are not helping it grow; you are ensuring that it will die. You have to be willing to plant the seed of your trust and then have the faith to let it grow in the dark.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about rebuilding trust is that it’s the cheater’s job alone; the betrayed partner also has to choose to let them back in.
The Two Bridge Builders
When trust is broken, it is like a bridge has collapsed between two islands. The person who broke the trust has the responsibility to start the difficult work of rebuilding that bridge, piece by piece, from their side. But the bridge will never be completed if the betrayed partner is not willing to also pick up their tools and start building from their shore, too. Rebuilding is a two-person construction project. One person cannot build a bridge alone.
I wish I knew that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself to release the anger when I was dealing with a betrayal.
The Hot Coal
Holding onto anger and resentment after a betrayal is like holding a burning hot coal in your hand with the intention of one day throwing it at the person who hurt you. But while you are waiting for that perfect moment, the only person who is getting burned is you. Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It is the wise, self-loving act of deciding to put down the hot coal, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to not be in pain anymore.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are trying to forgive: they don’t set new, stronger boundaries.
The Unlocked Door
Forgiving someone without setting new boundaries is like forgiving a burglar who broke into your house, and then leaving your front door unlocked and wide open for them to come back in at any time. Forgiveness is about releasing your own anger, but wisdom is about changing the locks. You can forgive the person for breaking in, but you must also install a new, stronger door with a deadbolt to ensure that you are protecting yourself from being violated in the same way again.
This one small habit of consistently doing what you say you will do, no matter how small, will change everything.
The Brick Wall
Trust is a brick wall that is built slowly over time. Every time you keep a promise, no matter how small, you are laying another brick in that wall. Every time you break a promise, you are taking a sledgehammer and knocking a hole in it. A single broken promise might seem like a small hole, but a wall full of small holes is not a wall at all. The strength of the wall is not in its height, but in its solidity, which is created by the consistent laying of thousands of small, reliable bricks.
Use a “no secrets” pact about major life issues, not a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
The Health of the Body
A “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in a relationship is like telling your doctor that you only want them to tell you about your health problems if you specifically ask about them. It is a willful ignorance that guarantees a small, treatable problem will eventually grow into a large, life-threatening one. A “no secrets” pact is like giving your doctor permission to tell you about any and all potential health issues as soon as they are discovered. It might be scary, but it is the only way to keep the body of your relationship healthy.
Stop lying by omission. Do be forthcoming with information that affects your partner.
The Missing Piece of the Puzzle
A lie of omission is not the act of giving false information; it is the act of intentionally withholding a critical piece of the puzzle. You are allowing your partner to build a picture of reality that you know is incomplete and therefore false. You are letting them believe the sky in the puzzle is completely blue, while you are hiding the piece with the dark and stormy cloud in your pocket. It is a passive, but no less damaging, form of deception.
Stop pretending everything is okay when it’s not. Do be honest about your struggles so your partner can support you.
The Lone Soldier
Pretending everything is okay when you are struggling is like being a soldier who has been wounded on the battlefield but who tells their partner that they are fine. You are trying to be strong, but you are also refusing the life-saving help of the medic who is standing right next to you. Being honest about your struggles is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of trust. It is the brave act of showing your partner your wound and allowing the person who loves you to help you heal.
The #1 secret for a relationship where both partners can be their authentic selves is to have a foundation of unconditional positive regard.
The Gardener’s Belief
Unconditional positive regard is the foundational belief that your partner is a good seed. Even on the days when their growth seems stunted, or when they are not flowering in the way you would like, you maintain the core, unwavering belief that they are a good seed, trying their best to grow. This fundamental faith in their inherent goodness creates the warm, safe, and nourishing soil that allows them to finally feel secure enough to blossom into their most authentic, beautiful self.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably lying to yourself about how happy you are in your relationship.
The Leaky Boat
Being in an unhappy relationship but pretending you are happy is like being in a small boat that has a slow, but steady, leak. Every day, you have to spend a huge amount of your energy bailing out the water of your unhappiness, just to stay afloat. You can convince yourself, and others, that you are on a fine voyage, but you are secretly exhausted from the constant, hidden work of just trying not to sink. The first step to getting to a safe harbor is to be honest about the fact that you are taking on water.
The reason you’re staying in a dishonest relationship is because you’re afraid of the truth.
The Scary Door in the Basement
The truth of your dishonest relationship is like a dark, scary door in your basement that you know you need to open. You can hear strange noises coming from behind it, and you know that what’s in there is not good. Staying in the relationship is your attempt to just live your life upstairs and pretend that the door doesn’t exist. But the fear and the noise will always be there, in the foundation of your house. You are not afraid of the relationship; you are afraid of what you will find when you finally get the courage to open that door.
If you’re still not being honest about what you truly want in a relationship, you’re losing the chance to get it.
The Vague Order at the Restaurant
Not being honest about what you want is like going to a restaurant and telling the waiter, “Just bring me whatever.” You cannot then be surprised or angry when they bring you a meal you do not like. If you want a specific dish, you have to have the courage to look at the menu and to clearly and politely order that dish. You will not always get what you want, but you have a zero percent chance of getting it if you are not even honest enough to place your own order.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about trust is that it’s earned once; the truth is, it’s earned and re-earned every single day.
The Daily Bread
Trust is not a one-time inheritance that you are given at the beginning of a relationship. It is not a lump sum of gold that you can put in a vault and live off of forever. Trust is your daily bread. It must be baked fresh, every single morning, through the consistent, reliable ingredients of your honest actions and your kind words. The trust you had yesterday will not feed you today. It is a daily practice, a daily baking, that is necessary to nourish the relationship.
I wish I knew that building trust was a slow, deliberate process when I was starting a new relationship.
The Bonsai Tree
I used to think that trust should appear instantly, like a magical, fully-grown tree. I wish I had known that trust is a bonsai tree. It is not grown; it is cultivated. It requires years of slow, patient, and deliberate care. It requires daily watering, careful pruning, and a gentle, consistent hand. You cannot rush a bonsai tree, and you cannot rush trust. Its immense strength and beauty are a direct result of the slow, mindful, and deliberate process of its creation.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their privacy: they think a healthy relationship means having zero privacy.
The House with No Doors
A relationship with zero privacy is like a house with no doors on any of the rooms, including the bathroom. It might seem like the ultimate form of closeness, but it is actually a recipe for exhaustion and a total lack of personal space. A healthy relationship is a house where the front door is open to each other, but where there are also doors on the individual rooms. The mutual respect for those closed doors is a sign of trust, not a sign of a secret.
This one small action of respecting your partner’s private journal or conversations with their friends will actually increase their trust in you.
The Locked Diary
Your partner’s private journal is like their locked diary. If you find that diary, you have a choice. You can pick the lock and read all their secrets, and you will have satisfied your curiosity, but you will have completely shattered their trust. Or, you can see the locked diary, and choose to respectfully leave it untouched. This act of consciously choosing not to violate their privacy is a powerful deposit in the bank of trust. It proves that you are a safe person, even when you have the opportunity not to be.
Use a shared understanding of what constitutes a “secret,” not just your own definition.
The Shared Rulebook
Imagine you are playing a board game, but you and your partner are using two different, secret rulebooks. You will constantly be getting into arguments about what is and is not allowed. A secret, to you, might be a big lie. To them, it might be a small omission. You will never be on the same page. You have to sit down together, put your two rulebooks on the table, and create one single, shared rulebook for your relationship. You have to agree on your own, unique, and explicit definition of what constitutes a “secret.”
Stop making your partner feel guilty for having a past. Do accept that they had a life before you.
The Prequel to Your Movie
Your partner’s past is the prequel to the movie of your relationship. It is the origin story that made them the character you fell in love with. To be angry or jealous of that prequel is to not understand the story. You cannot have the hero of your movie without the adventures and the heartbreaks that forged them. Accepting their past is the act of being a good fan of the entire movie franchise, and of understanding that the prequel, while it may not have included you, was an essential part of the story.
Stop being suspicious without cause. Do give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
The Prosecutor and the Defense Attorney
When you are suspicious without cause, you are casting yourself as the prosecutor in the courtroom of your relationship, and your partner as the defendant who is guilty until proven innocent. You are constantly cross-examining them and looking for evidence of their guilt. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is the choice to be their defense attorney instead. It is the choice to stand beside them and to start from the assumption that they are a good person with good intentions, until there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
The #1 hack for a relationship where you both feel safe and secure is to never lie, even about small things.
The Cracks in the Ice
The foundation of a secure relationship is a thick, solid sheet of ice that you can both confidently stand on. Every lie, no matter how small, is like taking a small pick and creating a tiny crack in that ice. One small crack might not seem like a big deal. But a thousand tiny cracks will make the entire surface unstable and terrifying to walk on. You will never feel safe, because you will always be worried about which step will be the one that causes the entire sheet to break.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably keeping “harmless” secrets that are actually damaging your intimacy.
The Weeds in the Garden
A “harmless” secret is a weed in the garden of your intimacy. You might think it is small and insignificant, but a secret requires energy to maintain. You have to constantly tend to it, to hide it, and to make sure it doesn’t get discovered. That is energy that you are stealing from your garden. Over time, that small, “harmless” weed will grow, and it will slowly and silently choke the life out of the beautiful flowers of your connection that are trying to grow around it.
The reason you lie is because you’re afraid of the consequences of the truth.
The Scary Monster Under the Bed
The truth can often feel like a scary monster that is hiding under your bed. A lie is the blanket that you pull up over your head, hoping that if you can’t see the monster, it can’t see you. It is a childish and ultimately ineffective coping mechanism. The lie does not make the monster go away; it just leaves you alone and terrified in the dark. The only way to defeat the monster is to be brave enough to turn on the lights, to look it in the eye, and to face the consequences of its existence.
If you’re still not willing to face the consequences of your actions, you’re losing your integrity.
The Hit and Run
Integrity is the act of taking full, personal responsibility for the car you are driving. When you lie to avoid the consequences of your actions, it is a moral hit-and-run. You have caused a mess, and then you have sped away, hoping no one will catch you, leaving someone else to clean it up. A person of integrity is the one who, after causing the accident, immediately pulls over, gets out of the car, and says, “This was my fault, and I am here to face the consequences.”
The biggest lie you’ve been told about honesty is that it won’t hurt people’s feelings; it often does, but it’s still necessary.
The Surgeon’s Incision
Honesty is a surgeon’s scalpel. A good surgeon knows that to heal the patient, they must first make a cut. This incision will be painful, and it will cause a wound. A bad surgeon would be so afraid of causing this initial pain that they would never operate at all, allowing the patient’s disease to get worse. A kind and honest person knows that sometimes, you must be willing to make the painful, necessary cut, because it is the only way to get to the disease and to create the possibility of a real and lasting healing.
I wish I knew how to deliver truth with compassion when I was younger.
The Rock vs. The Pillow
I used to think that the truth was a hard, heavy rock, and that my only job was to throw it as hard as I could. I thought the impact was the other person’s problem. I wish I had known that the truth is just the filling. You can either stuff that filling into a hard, leather sack and use it as a weapon, or you can carefully stitch it into a soft, velvet pillow and offer it gently. The content is the same; the delivery is what determines whether it is a weapon or a comfort.
99% of people make this one mistake when they catch their partner in a lie: they focus only on the lie, not the reason behind it.
The Tip of the Iceberg
The lie itself is the tip of the iceberg. It is the small, visible, and shocking part of the problem. If you only focus on the lie, you are missing the massive, hidden block of ice that is submerged just below the surface. The real, and much more dangerous, problem is the fear, the shame, or the disconnection that made your partner feel like they had to lie in the first place. You have to be willing to look below the waterline to understand the real reason your ship is in danger.
Use a therapist to help you navigate issues of trust, not just your friends who are biased.
The Biased Judge
When you have been betrayed, talking to your friends is like going to court with a judge and a jury who are all on your payroll. They love you, and they will, without fail, find in your favor. They are wonderful for support, but they are terrible for objective truth. A therapist is the impartial judge. They are not on anyone’s side. Their only allegiance is to the health of the courtroom itself. They are the only ones who can give you the unbiased perspective you need to find a true and lasting justice.
Stop making your partner responsible for your trust issues. Do take ownership of your own healing journey.
The Broken Leg
Your trust issues from a past betrayal are a broken leg. It is not your new partner’s fault that your leg is broken. It is unfair to get angry at them for not being able to magically heal you, and to demand that they carry you everywhere. Their job is to be a supportive companion who is patient with your limp. But it is your job, and your job alone, to go to the doctor, to put in the hard work of physical therapy, and to slowly, patiently, learn how to walk on your own two feet again.
Stop letting a past betrayal make you cynical about future relationships. Do learn to trust your own judgment again.
The Crooked Compass
A past betrayal can feel like it has broken the compass of your judgment. You thought you were heading north, but you ended up in a ditch. This can make you cynical and afraid to ever trust a compass again. But the solution is not to throw away all compasses and to declare that all directions are a lie. The solution is to do the work of re-calibrating your own internal compass. Your healing journey is about learning to trust, not other people, but your own ability to read the map and to know which way is true north.
The #1 secret for a relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty is to be radically honest with yourself first.
The Dirty Mirror
If you are not being honest with yourself, it is like you are trying to see your own reflection in a dirty, mud-splattered mirror. You cannot see yourself clearly. You cannot know your own true motives, your own hidden fears, or your own real desires. Any attempt to then be honest with your partner will be a distorted, murky reflection of a person you don’t even really know. Radical self-honesty is the act of cleaning your own mirror, so that you can finally see a clear reflection that is worthy of being shown to someone else.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as good at hiding things as you think you are.
The Leaky Bucket
A secret is a bucket full of water that you are trying to carry around without anyone noticing. You might think you are being clever and discreet, but a secret is a leaky bucket. It drips. It leaves a trail of subtle, subconscious clues—a strange tone of voice, an averted gaze, a nervous energy. You are leaving a trail of wet footprints everywhere you go. Your partner may not know what is in the bucket, but their intuition can see the puddles, and they know that you are carrying something you are trying to hide.
The reason your gut is telling you something is wrong is because it has picked up on micro-behaviors that your conscious mind has missed.
The Sensitive Seismograph
Your conscious, logical mind is the person who is living in the house. Your gut, your intuition, is the highly sensitive seismograph that is buried deep in the foundation. Your conscious mind might not notice anything, but your intuition can detect the thousands of tiny, imperceptible micro-tremors—the subtle shifts in tone, the fleeting facial expressions—that signal a larger earthquake is coming. Your gut feels the rumble long before your brain sees the crack in the wall. Do not ignore the seismograph.
If you’re still ignoring your intuition, you’re losing your most powerful internal guide.
The Internal GPS
Your intuition is your own, personal, and highly sophisticated internal GPS system. It is constantly receiving and processing thousands of subtle data points to keep you on the right path. Your logical, analytical brain is the passenger in the car who thinks they know a better shortcut. When you ignore your gut and listen to that passenger, you are choosing to ignore your own internal guidance system. And more often than not, you will end up lost in a bad part of town, wishing you had just listened to the GPS.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about trust is that it’s about controlling your partner; it’s actually about having faith in them.
The Caged Bird vs. The Open Window
Trying to control your partner to ensure they are trustworthy is like keeping a beautiful bird in a cage. You might be able to guarantee that it will not fly away, but you will have also killed its spirit, and you will never get to experience the beauty of its flight. True trust is leaving the window of the cage open. It is the vulnerable, courageous faith that the bird will choose to fly back to you, not because it is trapped, but because it wants to.
I wish I knew that true trust is about letting go of the need to control when I was a young man.
The Two Trapeze Artists
I used to think that trust was about having a giant safety net under our relationship at all times. I wanted to control everything to prevent a fall. I wish I had known that a relationship is a trapeze act. True trust is not the net; it is the breathtaking, terrifying, and exhilarating moment when one artist lets go of the bar, and for a split second, they are flying through the air, completely out of control, in the absolute faith that their partner’s hands will be there to catch them.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are feeling insecure: they seek constant reassurance, which actually pushes their partner away.
The Leaky Bucket
Your need for constant reassurance is a leaky bucket. You are constantly asking your partner to pour their water of validation into it, but it just keeps leaking out, and a moment later, you are empty and thirsty again. This is an exhausting and endless task for your partner. It makes them feel like their efforts are futile, which will eventually make them stop trying to fill a bucket that cannot hold water. The only solution is to patch your own bucket with self-worth.
This one small habit of learning to reassure yourself will change your relationship dynamic forever.
Your Own Well
Learning to reassure yourself is like digging your own, personal well of water. When you feel thirsty for validation or security, you no longer have to run to your partner’s well with a desperate, empty cup. You can simply walk to your own well and draw the cool, clean water of your own self-compassion and inner strength. This makes you a much more attractive partner. You are not coming to them out of a desperate thirst; you are coming to them as a fellow well-owner, ready to share your abundance.
Use a policy of assuming the best intentions, not the worst.
The Foreign Language
Your partner’s actions are often like a foreign language that you are trying to translate. If you assume the worst intentions, you are using a negative, cynical translation dictionary. Every word will be interpreted as an insult or an attack. If you assume the best intentions, you are using a generous, compassionate dictionary. The exact same foreign phrase will now be translated as a clumsy but well-meaning attempt to connect. The dictionary you choose to use will determine the entire meaning of your relationship.
Stop making accusations you can’t prove. Do have a conversation about your feelings of insecurity instead.
The Prosecutor vs. The Client
Making an accusation turns you into a prosecutor and your partner into a defendant. You are putting them on trial in a case that you can probably never win, and it will destroy your connection. A better approach is to be a client, talking to your trusted lawyer. You are not accusing them; you are presenting your own feelings. You say, “I am feeling insecure, and I need your help.” This makes them your ally, your trusted counsel, who can help you solve the case of your own insecurity, together.
Stop playing detective in your relationship. Do be a partner.
The Detective and the Suspect
When you play detective in your relationship, you are casting your partner in the role of the criminal suspect. You are dusting for fingerprints, you are looking for clues, you are interrogating them. This is not a partnership; it is a criminal investigation, and it will make them feel like a criminal. A partner is not a detective; they are a teammate. Your job is not to find evidence of their guilt, but to work with them to build a case for your shared, innocent, and beautiful future.
The #1 hack for a relationship that is free from secrets is to create a space where it’s safe to tell the truth.
The Greenhouse for the Truth
The truth is a delicate, vulnerable seedling. If you want it to grow, you cannot plant it in a frozen, harsh, and judgmental tundra. It will die. A safe relationship is a warm, nourishing greenhouse. It is a space where you have made it so safe to be honest that even the most delicate, embarrassing, and difficult truths feel like they have a chance to grow. If you want the truth, you have to be the kind of gardener who can be trusted with the most fragile of plants.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably enabling your partner’s dishonesty by not having clear boundaries.
The Unlocked Bank Vault
If you are a bank that consistently and repeatedly lets robbers get away with stealing money without any consequences, you are enabling them. You are teaching them that your vault is an easy target. Your lack of clear, strong boundaries is an unlocked vault. It communicates to your partner that there is no real cost to their dishonesty. A strong boundary is the act of installing a new, heavy, and time-locked door, and of making it clear that if they try to rob you again, there will be serious and unavoidable consequences.
The reason you’re not calling out your partner’s lies is because you’re afraid of the conflict that the truth will create.
The Sleeping Dragon
A lie in a relationship is a sleeping dragon in your living room. You know it’s there. You can see it and you can smell its smoky breath. The reason you don’t call it out is because you are terrified that if you poke it, it will wake up and breathe fire, destroying your entire house. And it might. But a sleeping dragon will not sleep forever. It is far better to face the dragon on your own terms than to wait for it to wake up on its own and catch you by surprise.
If you’re still not willing to have the hard conversations, you’re losing your chance at a truly honest relationship.
The Un-Lanced Boil
An unaddressed issue in a relationship is like a painful, infected boil under the skin. It hurts, it is getting bigger, and it is poisoning your system. Having the hard conversation is the act of lancing that boil. It will be painful, it will be messy, and some unpleasant things will come out. But it is the only way to release the pressure, to drain the infection, and to finally allow the wound to heal. If you are not willing to do the lancing, the infection will just keep spreading.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about trust is that it’s only about big betrayals; it’s most often broken in small, everyday ways.
The Death by a Thousand Paper Cuts
We think that trust is a mighty warrior that can only be killed by a single, dramatic sword thrust of a major betrayal. But more often, trust is a person who dies a slow, agonizing death from a thousand tiny paper cuts. It is the small, broken promises, the minor white lies, the subtle moments of unreliability. Each one is just a small cut, but the cumulative effect of a thousand of them will bleed a relationship dry just as surely as the single, dramatic wound.
I wish I knew that trust is built by being reliable in the little things, like calling when you say you will.
The Strongest Thread
I used to think that the rope of trust was woven from a few, thick cords of grand, heroic gestures. I wish I had known that the strongest ropes are actually woven from thousands of tiny, seemingly insignificant threads. Each time you are reliable in a small way, you are adding another thin, strong thread to that rope. The rope’s incredible, load-bearing strength does not come from a few thick cords, but from the combined, unbreakable power of thousands of tiny, consistent, and well-woven threads.
99% of people make this one mistake when they make a mistake: they hide it, which makes the original mistake 10 times worse.
The Small Fire
Making a mistake is like accidentally starting a small fire in your house. It’s a problem, but it’s a manageable one. Hiding that mistake is like deciding not to call the fire department, and instead, just closing the door to the room and hoping it will burn itself out. This decision transforms a small, containable fire into a raging, house-destroying inferno. The cover-up is not just a second mistake; it is the catastrophic accelerant that makes the first mistake a thousand times more destructive.
This one small action of owning your mistakes immediately and transparently will actually build trust in the long run.
The Controlled Burn
When you own a mistake immediately, it’s like you are a skilled forest ranger, conducting a controlled burn. You are admitting that there is a fire, but you are also showing that you are a trustworthy, competent person who knows how to contain it and to keep it from spreading. It is a counter-intuitive truth, but your competent handling of the fire will actually make your partner feel safer with you. It proves that you can be trusted to handle the inevitable fires of life with integrity.
Use a clean slate approach to forgiveness. Stop holding onto past resentments as ammunition.
The Old Ammunition
Holding onto a past, forgiven mistake is like keeping a rusty, old cannonball from a previous war in your living room. You claim the war is over, but you are keeping the ammunition on display, just in case you need to use it in a future fight. It creates a constant, low-level tension, a reminder of the past battle. True forgiveness is the act of taking that old, heavy cannonball and burying it in the backyard. You are consciously choosing to disarm your home and to not let the weapons of a past war threaten your current peace.
Stop letting your fear of being hurt prevent you from being open and trusting. Do understand that love requires a leap of faith.
The Locked Door
Your heart is a beautiful room. Your fear of being hurt is the heavy, bolted lock on the door. It will effectively keep out anyone who might hurt you. But it will also, without fail, keep out the one person who might love you. The lock cannot tell the difference between a burglar and a welcome guest. To love is to take the vulnerable, terrifying, and absolutely necessary risk of un-bolting that door. It is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees, but it is the only way to ever let the love in.
Stop making your partner pay for the same mistake over and over again. Do let them earn back your trust with new actions.
The Prison Sentence
When your partner has made a mistake and is genuinely trying to repair it, making them pay for it over and over again is like sentencing them to life in prison for a crime for which they have already served their time. You are not allowing for the possibility of rehabilitation. You have become the warden of their past, and you are not allowing them to earn their freedom. True forgiveness is acknowledging that they have served their sentence, and then being willing to unlock the cell door and let them re-enter the world of your trust.
The #1 secret for a relationship where you can both be completely yourself is radical acceptance.
The Wild Garden
Radical acceptance is the act of seeing your partner as a wild, beautiful, and unique garden. It is not your job to try and force their wildflowers to become neat, orderly roses. It is not your job to pull up the strange, interesting plants you do not understand. It is your job to simply appreciate the unique, untamed beauty of the garden as it is. This acceptance creates the safe, nourishing soil that allows your partner to grow in the most authentic and magnificent way possible.
I’m just going to say it: Your lack of trust is a self-fulfilling prophecy that is likely creating the behavior you fear.
The Guard and the Prisoner
When you treat your partner like a prisoner who cannot be trusted, you are casting yourself in the role of the prison guard. You are constantly watching them, questioning them, and restricting their freedom. No healthy person wants to live in a prison. Your constant suspicion and control will make them feel so trapped and resentful that they will eventually start to look for an escape route. Your lack of trust will create the very untrustworthy behavior you were so afraid of.
The reason your partner is pulling away is because your constant questioning makes them feel like they are on trial.
The Interrogation Room
Constant questioning, driven by your own insecurity, transforms the comfortable living room of your relationship into a cold, harsh interrogation room with a single, bare lightbulb. You might think you are just having a conversation, but to your partner, it feels like they are a criminal suspect, being grilled under a spotlight. No one can relax, be themselves, or feel connected in an interrogation room. They are pulling away because you have made their home feel like a prison.
If you’re still not giving your partner the space to be their own person, you’re losing their desire to be with you.
The Two Trees
A healthy relationship is like two strong, magnificent trees that are growing side-by-side. They need space for their own roots to grow deep and for their own branches to reach for the sun. If you plant them too close together, they will choke each other out, competing for the same light and the same soil. They will both be stunted. Desire thrives on seeing your partner as a whole, magnificent, and separate tree. If you suffocate their roots, the entire tree will wither.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about honesty is that it’s easy; it requires immense courage.
The Uncharted Territory
Being truly honest, especially with a difficult truth, is like being an explorer who has to leave the safe, comfortable, and well-known shores of silence and sail into the dark, stormy, and uncharted territory of a difficult conversation. It is not easy. It requires immense courage, a steady hand on the wheel, and a willingness to face the dragons that might be hiding in those waters. It is one of the bravest and most difficult voyages a person can make.
I wish I knew that being honest was a skill that I had to practice when I was a young adult.
The Musical Instrument
I used to think that honesty was a simple switch that you could just flip on. I didn’t realize that honesty is a complex musical instrument, like a violin. The first time you pick it up, it will make a horrible, screeching noise. You will be clumsy, and you will likely hurt the ears of those around you. To be able to play a beautiful, honest note that is also full of compassion requires hundreds of hours of dedicated, mindful practice. It is a skill you must learn, not a switch you can flip.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their online privacy: they don’t have a conversation about what’s okay to share.
The Invisible Fence
Every person has an invisible fence around their online life, marking the boundary between what is public and what is private. The mistake couples make is that they never walk the property line together. They just assume their fence is in the same place as their partner’s. You will inevitably get shocked when you unknowingly cross a boundary you didn’t know existed. You have to have an explicit conversation to make the invisible fence visible, and to agree on where the shared property line of your relationship is.
This one small habit of having a clear conversation about your social media boundaries will prevent future arguments.
The Shared Rulebook
Having a clear conversation about your social media boundaries is like sitting down before you play a board game and agreeing on the rules. What is okay to post? What is not okay? Who is it okay to be friends with? By creating a shared, explicit rulebook upfront, you prevent the inevitable, angry arguments that happen when one person makes a move that the other person believes is against the rules. It is a simple, proactive conversation that keeps the game fun.
Use a foundation of trust as your relationship’s operating system, not just an app you open occasionally.
The Operating System vs. The App
Trust is not an “app” on the phone of your relationship that you only open when you need to perform a specific function. Trust is the phone’s entire operating system. It is the deep, underlying code that is running silently in the background of every single interaction, every conversation, and every decision you make. It is what allows all the other apps—the intimacy app, the fun app, the communication app—to run smoothly. If the operating system is corrupted, none of the other apps will work.