Use a phone call to build rapport, not just endless, low-effort texting.
The Note Passer vs. The Hallway Conversation
Endless texting is like passing notes in class. It’s fun and a little secretive, but it’s also fragmented, one-dimensional, and you can’t hear the other person’s laugh or tone. You’re just getting the black-and-white version of them. A phone call is like catching that same person in the hallway between classes. Suddenly, you get their voice, their inflection, their spontaneous reactions. It’s a real-time, three-dimensional interaction. You’re not just reading the notes anymore; you’re experiencing the person in full color, which builds a real connection so much faster.
Stop swiping aimlessly on dating apps. Do set a clear intention for what you’re looking for before you open the app.
Grocery Shopping Without a List
Swiping on an app without a clear intention is like walking into a massive grocery store when you’re starving and have no shopping list. You’ll wander down every aisle, grabbing whatever looks shiny, sugary, or easy. You’ll end up with a cart full of junk food that leaves you feeling sick and unsatisfied. Setting an intention first—”Tonight, I’m looking for someone who values creativity and kindness”—is like making a healthy shopping list. It gives you focus, helps you ignore the junk, and ensures you leave with something that will actually nourish you.
Stop going on boring “interview” coffee dates. Do go on activity-based dates that create shared experiences instead.
The Interrogation Room vs. The Escape Room
A coffee date often feels like a job interview. You’re sitting in a sterile room under harsh lighting, firing questions back and forth across a table. It’s a high-pressure interrogation. An activity date—like bowling, mini-golf, or a cooking class—is like being put on the same team to solve a fun escape room. You’re not interrogating each other; you’re collaborating, laughing at mistakes, and celebrating small victories. You get to see how they handle a real-life situation, which reveals far more about their character than any rehearsed answer ever could.
The #1 secret for a memorable first date is to make the other person laugh, not to impress them.
The Suit of Armor vs. The Sandbox
Trying to impress someone on a first date is like wearing a heavy, clanking suit of armor. It might be shiny and look impressive from a distance, but it’s stiff, uncomfortable, and it hides the real you. You can’t connect with someone through armor. Making someone laugh is like taking off that armor, jumping into a sandbox, and inviting them to play with you. It creates a shared moment of unguarded joy. People don’t remember the armor; they remember the person who made them feel light and happy.
I’m just going to say it: The “three-day rule” is manipulative, and you should text back when you see the message.
The Package on the Doorstep
The “three-day rule” is like seeing a package delivered to your front door, knowing it’s something you’re excited about, but intentionally leaving it outside in the rain for three days just to seem cool and busy. It’s a game of manufactured indifference. An emotionally mature person sees the package, gets excited, and brings it inside. Texting back when you’re free shows genuine interest and respect for the other person’s time. Don’t play games with the delivery; just open the package you were hoping for.
The reason you’re not getting a second date is because you spent the whole first date talking about yourself.
The Conversational Tennis Match
A good first date conversation is like a game of tennis. Your job is to serve a good question, and then be ready to return their answer with interest. If you only talk about yourself, it’s like you’re standing on one side of the court, hitting ball after ball against the practice wall. The other person is just standing on the other side, racket in hand, waiting for a turn that never comes. Nobody wants to watch someone else’s practice session; they want to play the game.
If you’re still talking about your ex on a first date, you’re losing your chance at a future with someone new.
The Ghost at the Table
Talking about your ex on a first date is like inviting a ghost to pull up a chair and join you. You may think you’re just telling a story, but you’re actually creating a table for three. The new person across from you can’t connect with you because your attention and emotional energy are focused on someone who isn’t even there. No one wants to compete with a ghost. To give the person in front of you a fair shot, you have to politely ask the ghost to leave the table.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about dating is that there are “leagues”; attraction is far more complex than that.
The Supermarket vs. The Art Gallery
The idea of “leagues” pretends that people are products on a supermarket shelf, neatly arranged by price and quality. It’s a cold, transactional view of humanity. But attraction doesn’t work like that. It’s not a supermarket; it’s an art gallery. You don’t fall for the painting that is technically the most perfect or has the highest price tag. You fall for the one that makes you feel something, the one that captivates you with its unique style and story. It’s about connection, not calculation.
I wish I knew that being authentically myself was more attractive than trying to be “perfect” when I was single.
The Plastic Apple vs. The Real One
Trying to be “perfect” on a date is like offering someone a beautiful, flawless, plastic apple. It’s shiny, symmetrical, and has no blemishes. But it’s also fake. It has no taste, no scent, no nourishment. Being your authentic, quirky, imperfect self is like offering them a real apple from a farm. It might have a few spots or a weird shape, but it’s crisp, juicy, and real. Nobody is looking for a perfect plastic decoration; they are hungry for something real they can sink their teeth into.
99% of people make this one mistake on their dating profile: they list what they don’t want instead of what they do.
The “No Trespassing” Sign vs. The Welcome Mat
A dating profile filled with what you don’t want—”No drama,” “No smokers,” “Don’t message me if…”—is like putting a giant “No Trespassing” sign on your front lawn. It’s defensive, negative, and it scares everyone away, even the good people. A great profile is a welcome mat. It focuses on what you do want and what you have to offer: “Looking for laughter,” “Love exploring new hiking trails.” It’s an invitation that says, “This is a positive, happy place. Come on in.”
This one small action of asking “What’s something you’re excited about right now?” will change your dating conversations forever.
The Table of Contents vs. The Favorite Chapter
Asking someone standard questions like “What do you do?” is like asking to see the table of contents of their life story. It gives you the basic structure, but it’s dry and passionless. Asking, “What’s something you’re excited about right now?” is like asking them to flip directly to their favorite chapter and read a passage out loud to you. You don’t just learn a fact about them; you get to see their face light up and hear the passion in their voice. It’s a direct path to who they are, not just what they do.
Use a direct and kind rejection (“I didn’t feel a connection”). Stop ghosting people.
The Unanswered Doorbell
Ghosting someone is like having them ring your doorbell, seeing them through the peephole, and then just standing there silently until they give up and walk away. It’s confusing, disrespectful, and leaves them wondering what they did wrong. A direct, kind rejection is like opening the door for a moment and saying, “Hi, thank you so much for coming by, but it’s not a good time for me.” It’s clear, it’s honest, and it allows the other person to walk away with a definitive answer and their dignity.
Stop trying to impress your date with your job or accomplishments. Do try to connect with them on a human level instead.
The Resume vs. The Campfire Story
Showing up to a date and listing your accomplishments is like sliding your resume across the table. It might be impressive, it might prove you’re qualified, but it doesn’t create a connection. No one falls in love with a resume. Connecting on a human level is like sitting around a campfire and sharing a real story—one about a time you were scared, or a silly dream you had. That’s where the warmth is. That’s where you stop being a candidate and start being a person.
Stop creating a fantasy of who the person is based on their profile. Do stay curious about the real person in front of you.
The Movie Trailer vs. The Full Movie
A dating profile is the movie trailer. It’s a collection of the best, most exciting, and most flattering clips, all expertly edited together to make you want to see more. Falling in love with the profile is like falling in love with the trailer. But the trailer is not the movie. On the date, your job is to remember you’re there to watch the actual film. It will be longer, slower, and more complex than the trailer, with flaws and plot twists. Stay curious and watch the real movie.
The #1 hack for spotting red flags early on is to watch how they treat service staff.
The On-Stage Performance vs. The Backstage Footage
On a date, your partner is on stage. They are under a spotlight, performing the role of “ideal date” just for you, and they are on their best behavior. But how they treat a waiter or a barista is the candid, behind-the-scenes footage. It’s what happens when they think the cameras are off and no one important is watching. That unedited footage will show you their true character—their patience, their kindness, their entitlement—far more reliably than their on-stage performance ever will.
I’m just going to say it: Your checklist of 50 “must-haves” is the reason you’re still single.
The Unicorn Hunt
Having a dating checklist with 50 specific, non-negotiable items is not a search for a partner; it’s a hunt for a unicorn. You are searching for a mythical creature that does not exist in the real world. You are walking through a beautiful forest full of wonderful, real, and available people, but you’re ignoring all of them because none of them have a horn and rainbow-colored fur. You’ll be much happier when you stop hunting for unicorns and start appreciating the real, wonderful human beings all around you.
The reason you keep attracting the wrong people is because your profile doesn’t reflect your core values.
The Fishing Lure
Your dating profile is the lure you cast into the water. If you want to catch a thoughtful, intellectual trout, but you’re using a flashy, brightly-colored lure designed for aggressive barracudas, you can’t be surprised when all you catch are barracudas. If your profile is full of party pictures but you secretly want a quiet book-lover, you are advertising for the wrong fish. You have to be brave enough to use the authentic lure that reflects the amazing partner you actually want to catch.
If you’re still playing “hard to get,” you’re losing the interest of emotionally mature adults.
The Locked Door
Playing “hard to get” is like locking your front door and then hoping someone finds your games and riddles charming enough to spend an hour trying to pick the lock. A curious teenager might find that intriguing, but a busy, emotionally healthy adult will just see a locked door, assume you’re not home or not interested, and walk away to find a house with a welcome mat. Mature people are not looking for games; they are looking for open, honest doors.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about chemistry is that it has to be a lightning bolt; sometimes it’s a slow burn.
The Lightning Strike vs. The Campfire
We’re taught that chemistry should be a sudden, dramatic lightning strike that sets the whole forest on fire. It’s exciting, but it’s also rare and can fizzle out quickly. But often, real, lasting chemistry is more like building a campfire. You start with small, tentative kindling—a shared laugh, a moment of understanding. You gently blow on it with curiosity and good conversation. It might not be a dramatic explosion at first, but with patience and attention, it can grow into a deep, warm, and steady fire that lasts all night.
I wish I knew that it was okay to make the first move and show interest when I was a single woman.
Waiting for the Bus
Waiting for someone else to make the first move is like standing at a bus stop, hoping the bus to your desired destination will eventually show up. You might wait five minutes, or you might wait all day. You have no control. Making the first move is like realizing you have your own car keys in your pocket. You can stop waiting, get into the driver’s seat, and start heading confidently in the direction you want to go. You don’t have to wait for someone else’s bus schedule.
99% of men make this one mistake in their dating app messages: they just say “hey.”
The Blank Envelope
Sending a message that just says “hey” is like sending someone a sealed, blank envelope in the mail. There’s no information, no personality, and no reason for them to be excited to open it. It shows zero effort. A good first message is like a letter that starts with, “I saw on your profile that you love hiking; I just got back from a trip to Zion and it was amazing.” It shows you actually looked at the address, and you included something personal that makes them want to write back.
This one small habit of sending a “Great to meet you” text after a date will change your dating success forever.
Closing the Loop
A first date can feel like an open-ended question. Both people walk away wondering, “How did that go? Do they like me?” It creates a small loop of anxiety. Sending a simple text like, “It was really great to meet you! I had a fun time tonight,” is the act of closing that loop. It’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a simple, kind gesture that replaces anxiety with clarity. It shows confidence and respect, and it makes the other person feel good, regardless of whether a second date happens.
Use your intuition to gauge a person’s character, not just a logical list of pros and cons.
The Dog in the Room
Your logical mind is the person in the room making a pro-and-con list about a new guest. Your intuition is the quiet dog lying by the fireplace. The dog doesn’t care about the guest’s resume or their witty conversation. It just senses their energy. If the dog starts to growl softly, or gets up and quietly leaves the room, you should pay attention. Your intuition is a primal, powerful sense. Even if the pro-and-con list looks perfect, never ignore the dog.
Stop being afraid of rejection. Do see it as a helpful filter, redirecting you to a better match.
The Wrong-Sized Shoes
Rejection feels like a personal failure, but it’s not. It’s just a fit issue. Imagine you’re trying on a pair of shoes. If they don’t fit, you don’t get angry at the shoes or feel like your feet have failed. You just acknowledge they’re the wrong size and move on to find a pair that fits perfectly. Rejection is the same. It’s not a judgment on your worth; it’s a helpful signal that this particular person wasn’t the right fit, which frees you up to find the one that is.
Stop turning dates into a monologue. Do practice the 70/30 rule: listen 70% of the time, talk 30%.
The Spotlight Hog
A date should be a two-person play with a shared spotlight. When you talk the entire time, you are hogging the spotlight. You are keeping it pointed on yourself, reciting your lines, while the other actor is left standing in the dark, waiting for their cue. The 70/30 rule is about being a generous lighting technician. You intentionally turn the spotlight onto the other person for most of the show, allowing them to shine. A great date is when both people leave feeling like they got to play their part.
The #1 secret for a confident dating mindset is to have a full, happy life before you start looking for a partner.
The Host of the Party
Dating when your life feels empty is like throwing a party in a sad, empty house and hoping a guest will show up and furnish it for you. It puts immense pressure on every person who walks through the door. A confident dating mindset comes from being the host of a party in a house that is already fun, vibrant, and beautifully decorated. You are not desperate for a guest to fix your life; you are simply looking for a wonderful person to come and enjoy the amazing party you are already throwing.
I’m just going to say it: Online dating is a tool, not a solution to your loneliness.
The Hammer in the Toolbox
A dating app is a tool, like a hammer. If you want to build a house, a hammer is incredibly useful. But the hammer will not design the house for you, it will not buy the materials, and it will not do the hard work of construction. It is simply a tool that can help. Believing an app will solve your loneliness is like expecting a hammer to build you a house. You still have to be the architect and the builder of your own happy, connected life; the app is just one tool you can use.
The reason your dates feel like interviews is because you’re asking generic questions instead of playful, curious ones.
The Census Taker vs. The Curious Traveler
Asking generic questions like “Where are you from?” and “How many siblings do you have?” makes you sound like a census taker. You’re just collecting data for a government form. It’s boring and impersonal. To make it a real conversation, be a curious traveler. Instead of “Where are you from?” ask, “What’s the most surprising thing about the town you grew up in?” You’re not just collecting data; you’re asking for a story, and stories are what connect us.
If you’re still being vague about wanting a serious relationship, you’re losing time with people who don’t.
The Vague Destination
Being vague about your relationship goals is like getting into a taxi and telling the driver, “Just drive.” You might have a fun and interesting ride for a little while, but you are not heading toward your desired destination. You are burning fuel and wasting time. Being clear and upfront about what you’re looking for is like giving the driver a specific address. It ensures that you are both heading in the same direction, and it saves you the heartache of ending up in a part of town you never wanted to be in.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about finding “the one” is that there’s only one; there are many potential “ones.”
The One Key to the One Lock
The idea of “the one” teaches us that there is one single, magical key in the entire world that can open the lock to our heart. It creates a terrifying, high-stakes search for a needle in a global haystack. A healthier view is that you are a house with a door that can be opened by many different, well-made keys. There isn’t just one. There are many wonderful, compatible people out there. The goal isn’t to find the one mythical key, but to find a great person who holds a key that fits.
I wish I knew that my own happiness was my responsibility, not my future partner’s, when I was dating.
The Empty Vase
When I was single, I often felt like an empty vase, waiting for someone to come along, fill me with the beautiful flowers of their love, and make me happy. This made me needy and put an impossible burden on anyone I dated. I had to learn to be my own gardener. It’s my job to cultivate my own interests, friendships, and joys—to grow my own beautiful flowers. A partner isn’t there to fill your empty vase; they are there to be a fellow gardener who appreciates the amazing flowers you’ve already grown yourself.
99% of women make this one mistake on a first date: they don’t offer to split the bill.
The Partnership Application
A first date is an application for a potential partnership. When the bill comes, it’s the first small, practical project you have to work on together. Letting one person handle the entire thing, without even an offer to contribute, sends a subtle message about your view on partnership. Offering to split the bill isn’t about the money. It’s a powerful signal that says, “I see this as a partnership. I am an equal contributor, and I am not here to be a passive passenger on this journey. We’re in this together.”
This one small action of putting your phone on silent and out of sight will change the quality of your dates forever.
The Uninvited Guest
Leaving your phone face-up on the table during a date is like inviting a rude, unpredictable guest to join you. This guest might interrupt your most personal stories with a loud notification or a celebrity news flash. Their mere presence is a constant distraction, a signal that there is something more important than the person sitting in front of you. Putting your phone away is the act of politely disinviting that rude guest. It creates a private, protected space where real, undivided attention can be given and a true connection can be made.
Use a clear and confident “no, thank you,” not a list of excuses.
The Solid Door vs. The Cracked Window
When you give a long list of excuses to turn someone down—”I’m just so busy right now, and my cat is sick, and work is crazy”—it’s like trying to keep them out by leaving a window cracked open. Your excuses give them false hope and an invitation to argue. “Oh, I can wait until you’re not busy!” A clear, kind “no, thank you” is a solid, closed door. There are no cracks of ambiguity for them to peek through. It is the kindest way to give them the clarity they need to respectfully walk away.
Stop looking for a partner to complete you. Do become a whole, happy person on your own first.
The Two Halves vs. The Two Wholes
The idea that you are a “half” looking for your “other half” sounds romantic, but it means you are walking into a relationship as an incomplete person. It’s a recipe for codependency. A healthy relationship is not two halves coming together to make one whole. It’s two whole, complete, and happy circles that decide to overlap. The goal is to become a complete circle on your own first—with your own friends, passions, and happiness. Then you can find another whole circle to create a beautiful, overlapping Venn diagram with.
Stop settling for a “good enough” connection. Do wait for someone who genuinely excites you.
The Comfortable Shoes vs. The Dancing Shoes
A “good enough” relationship is like a pair of comfortable, sensible, but ultimately boring shoes. They get you from point A to point B without any blisters, and that’s fine. But you’ll never feel the urge to dance in them. Waiting for a partner who truly excites you is like holding out for your dancing shoes. They might be harder to find, but when you put them on, they make you want to move, to spin, to celebrate. Don’t settle for a life of sensible walking when you could be dancing.
The #1 hack for turning a good date into a great one is to find something to be genuinely curious about.
The Detective of Delight
On a date, it’s easy to be a polite journalist, just gathering the basic facts. But to make it a great date, you have to become a detective of delight. Your mission is to listen carefully for the one clue—the one topic or hobby they mention that makes their voice change and their eyes light up. When you hear it, stop everything and zoom in. Ask them more. Genuine curiosity is a powerful spotlight, and when you shine it on the thing they are passionate about, you make them feel seen, fascinating, and alive.
I’m just going to say it: Your desperation to be in a relationship is palpable and pushing people away.
The Hungry Ghost
Desperation has an energy. It’s like being a hungry ghost who hasn’t eaten in a hundred years. When you go on a date with this energy, the other person can feel it. Instead of connecting with you, they feel like they are your potential meal. Your intense need for them to fix your hunger is terrifying and makes them want to back away slowly. You have to feed yourself first. When you show up to a date already feeling full and satisfied with your own life, you have a warm, inviting energy, not a hungry one.
The reason you’re getting ghosted is because the connection was superficial, making it easy for them to disappear.
The Sandcastle on the Beach
A connection built on a few witty texts and a single generic coffee date is like a sandcastle built right at the water’s edge. It looks like a structure for a little while, but it has no deep foundation. When the first small wave of inconvenience or disinterest comes along, it washes away without a trace, as if it were never there. To build a ghost-proof connection, you need to dig deeper, past the surface-level sand, and start building on the solid ground of shared vulnerability and genuine interest.
If you’re still hiding your quirks and nerdy passions, you’re losing the chance for someone to love the real you.
The Unopened Room in the Museum
Presenting a “normal,” polished version of yourself on dates is like opening a museum but keeping the most interesting and unique exhibit locked away in a back room. You let people see the standard, boring paintings in the main hall, but you hide the weird, fascinating sculpture you love because you’re afraid they’ll think it’s strange. But the person who is truly right for you is the one who will be bored by the main hall and will only light up when you finally trust them with the key to your secret, quirky, wonderful room.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about soulmates is that they are a perfect fit from the start; true soulmates challenge you to grow.
The Comfortable Couch vs. The Personal Trainer
The common idea of a soulmate is that they are like a perfectly worn-in, comfortable couch. You just sink into them and it feels easy and perfect from day one. But a true soulmate is often more like a brilliant personal trainer. They are not just there to make you feel comfortable. They see your potential. They challenge you, push you out of your comfort zone, and make your muscles sore in ways that ultimately make you stronger, better, and more fully yourself than you ever thought you could be.
I wish I knew that a lack of an immediate “spark” doesn’t mean there’s no potential when I was dating.
The Microwave vs. The Crock-Pot
We are trained to expect that a romantic connection should be like a microwave—it should get hot and create a “spark” in ninety seconds or less. If it doesn’t, we assume it’s broken and throw it away. But many of the best, most nourishing, and deeply satisfying relationships are Crock-Pots. They need time to warm up. The flavors need hours to meld together. What starts as a collection of simple ingredients can, with a little patience and low, slow heat, turn into something incredibly rich and wonderful.
99% of people make this one mistake when they meet someone they like: they start acting like the person they think their date wants.
The Human Chameleon
When we meet someone we’re really excited about, it’s easy to turn into a human chameleon. We try to blend in perfectly with their environment. If they say they love rock climbing, we suddenly act like we’re an expert mountaineer, even if we’re afraid of heights. But you can’t build a real relationship on camouflage. The right person isn’t looking for a perfect mirror of themselves. They are looking for a different, interesting creature who has their own beautiful and unique colors.
This one small habit of having a pre-date ritual (like listening to a hype playlist) will change your dating anxiety forever.
The Athlete’s Warm-Up
A great athlete would never just run out onto the field cold. They have a warm-up routine—they stretch, they listen to music, they get their head in the game. This ritual transforms their anxiety into focused energy. A pre-date ritual does the same thing for you. Whether it’s calling a supportive friend, dancing to your favorite song, or spending five minutes meditating, it’s your warm-up. It’s the conscious act of shaking off the nervous jitters and stepping onto the “field” of your date feeling confident, centered, and ready to play.
Use a friend to give you honest feedback on your dating profile, not just your own biased opinion.
The Smudge on Your Own Face
Trying to write your own dating profile is like trying to see a smudge on your own face without a mirror. You can’t see yourself accurately. You don’t know what parts of your personality are shining through and what parts are coming across strangely. A good, honest friend is that mirror. They can instantly spot the smudge you can’t see. They can tell you, “This photo isn’t great,” or “This sentence doesn’t sound like you at all,” giving you the clear, objective reflection you need.
Stop complaining about being single. Do embrace the freedom and opportunities of this phase of your life.
The Unwritten Chapter
Being single can sometimes feel like a waiting room. But it’s not a waiting room; it’s a blank page. It’s the unwritten chapter of your own personal adventure story. You have the complete freedom to be the sole author of this chapter. You can travel, learn, grow, and have adventures that are difficult to have when your story is intertwined with someone else’s. Don’t waste this chapter by just sitting there, waiting for another character to show up. Pick up the pen and write an amazing story for yourself.
Stop jumping from one relationship to the next. Do take time to be single and rediscover who you are.
The House Remodel
When you get out of a long-term relationship, it’s like a person has just moved out of your house. Their furniture is gone, their pictures are off the walls, and their presence is everywhere. Jumping immediately into a new relationship is like having a new tenant move in before you’ve had a chance to clean, repaint, and redecorate. Taking time to be single is the crucial remodeling phase. It’s your chance to figure out your own style again before you invite someone new to come and live in your space.
The #1 secret for attracting a high-quality partner is to become a high-quality person yourself.
The Lighthouse
Desperately searching for a great partner is like being a small, frantic rowboat, chasing after majestic ships in a dark and stormy sea. It’s exhausting and often futile. The better approach is to stop chasing and to start building. Become a lighthouse. Focus on building your own solid foundation, on cultivating your own powerful inner light. If you can become a strong, steady, and brilliant beacon, you won’t have to chase ships anymore. The best ones will see your light and navigate their way to your shore.
I’m just going to say it: Your standards aren’t too high; they are probably just focused on the wrong things (like height instead of kindness).
The House Hunting Checklist
Imagine you are house hunting, and the number one item on your checklist is “must have a red door.” You are rejecting dozens of beautiful, structurally sound, and perfectly located houses just because their door is blue or green. This is what it’s like when your dating standards are focused on superficial traits. A kind, emotionally stable partner who is an inch shorter than you’d prefer is a magnificent house with a blue door. You need to re-evaluate your checklist and focus on the foundation, not the color of the paint.
The reason you’re not meeting anyone is because you’re not putting yourself in new environments.
Fishing in a Puddle
If you complain that you never catch any fish, but you spend every single day casting your line into the same small, empty puddle in your backyard, the problem isn’t the fish. The problem is your fishing spot. You can’t expect to meet new and different people if you are sticking to the exact same routine and environment every day. You have to be brave enough to go find a new lake—join a new club, take a class, visit a new coffee shop. The fish are out there, but they are not in your puddle.
If you’re still waiting for someone to “choose” you, you’re losing your own power of choice.
The Last Kid Picked in Dodgeball
Waiting to be chosen in the dating world puts you in the mindset of the last kid waiting to be picked for a dodgeball team. You are passively standing against the wall, hoping that one of the team captains will point at you. But dating is not dodgeball. You are also a team captain. You have just as much power to look at the people in front of you, decide who you are excited about, and say, “I choose you. Do you want to be on my team?” Don’t wait to be picked; be a chooser.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about dating is that it should be easy if it’s “meant to be.”
The Beautiful Garden
The “meant to be” myth tells us that a perfect relationship should just spring up out of the ground like a magical, effortless flower. But a real, beautiful, and lasting relationship is not a magical flower; it’s a garden. It requires effort. You have to prepare the soil, plant the seeds, pull the weeds of misunderstanding, and consistently water it with attention and kindness. It’s not always easy, but the work you put into cultivating your garden is what makes its eventual beauty so rewarding.
I wish I knew how to have a “define the relationship” talk without it being a high-pressure interrogation when I was younger.
Checking the Map on a Road Trip
The “define the relationship” talk doesn’t have to be a scary, high-pressure interrogation. Think of it like you are on a fun road trip with someone. After a while, it’s natural and smart to pull over, look at the map together, and ask, “Hey, where are we heading? Are we still having fun going in this direction, or should we maybe think about a different route?” It’s not an accusation; it’s a collaborative check-in to make sure you are both still enjoying the journey and heading toward a similar destination.
99% of couples make this one mistake in the “talking stage”: they act like they’re in a committed relationship when they aren’t.
The Free Trial Period
The “talking stage” is like the free trial period for a software subscription. You get to use the product, see if you like the features, and test its functionality. But during this phase, you don’t own the software. Giving someone all the benefits of your commitment—your exclusive time, energy, and emotional investment—before they have actually subscribed is a mistake. You are giving away the full product for free. Let them see how great the free trial is, but don’t give them the full license until they’ve actually paid the price of commitment.
This one small action of being clear about your intentions from the beginning will save you a lot of confusion and heartache.
The Destination on the Boarding Pass
Starting to date someone without being clear about your intentions is like getting on an airplane without looking at the destination on your boarding pass. You might have a fun flight, and the person sitting next to you might be great, but you could be horrified when the plane lands in a completely different city than the one you wanted to go to. Stating your intentions early—”I’m looking for a serious relationship”—is like making sure you both have boarding passes for the same destination before the plane ever takes off.
Use a friends-with-benefits situation with clear, explicit rules, not a messy, undefined situationship.
The Game with No Rules
A “situationship” with no defined boundaries is like trying to play a complex board game with no rulebook. Nobody knows when it’s their turn, how to win, or what the objective is. It’s chaotic, confusing, and someone always ends up getting frustrated and flipping the board over. A well-communicated friends-with-benefits arrangement is that same game, but with a clear, mutually agreed-upon rulebook. Everyone knows the boundaries and the objectives, which allows you to actually have fun playing the game without anyone getting hurt.
Stop trying to change someone into your ideal partner. Do accept them for who they are or move on.
The Cat and the Dog
Trying to change someone is like adopting a cat and then getting angry at it for not behaving like a dog. You can spend years trying to teach the cat to fetch, to bark, and to wag its tail, but you will only end up with a very confused and unhappy cat, and a very frustrated you. You have to make a choice. You can either learn to love and appreciate the unique, wonderful qualities of the cat for what they are, or you can admit that you are truly a dog person and go find a dog.
Stop ignoring your gut feeling about someone. Do trust it, even if you can’t logically explain it.
The Smoke Detector
Your gut feeling is the smoke detector of your soul. Your logical brain can be easily fooled. It can see someone who is charming and successful and say, “This person is perfect!” But deep down, your intuition might smell a tiny, faint whiff of smoke that your logical brain can’t see. That quiet but persistent “beep… beep… beep” from your gut is a warning. Even if you can’t see the fire, do not ignore the smoke detector. It is there to save you from getting burned.
The #1 hack for recovering from a breakup is the “no contact” rule.
The Un-Picked Scab
Trying to stay in contact with an ex right after a breakup is like constantly picking at a fresh scab. Every text message, every social media check-in, is another pick that re-opens the wound and prevents it from healing. The “no contact” rule is the band-aid. It creates a clean, protected barrier that allows the wound to finally close up and turn into a scar. It might itch and be uncomfortable at first, but it is the only way to allow the healing process to happen.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not ready to date yet, and you need to heal first.
The Broken Leg
Trying to date when you are still deeply wounded from a past relationship is like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg. You might be able to hobble for a little while, but you are not going to get very far, you are going to be in immense pain, and you are going to make your injury much, much worse. You have to have the courage to admit you are injured. Take yourself out of the race, go to the doctor, and put a cast on your heart. Only when it’s fully healed should you start training again.
The reason you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people is because you’re not ready for emotional availability yourself.
The Locked Door and the Missing Key
Emotionally unavailable people are like a house with a beautiful exterior but a permanently locked front door. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to these houses, it’s often because, deep down, you’re not actually ready to move in with anyone. You’ve lost the key to your own front door. The attraction to a locked door feels safe, because it means you’ll never have to unpack your own boxes and deal with the messy reality of living with someone. You’re drawn to their unavailability because it mirrors your own.
If you’re still stalking your ex on social media, you’re losing your ability to move on.
Drinking Poison
Stalking your ex on social media is like choosing to drink a small glass of poison every single morning. You know it’s bad for you, you know it’s making you sick, but you do it anyway out of habit. It keeps the past alive and painfully present, preventing you from ever truly detoxing. The only way to heal is to stop drinking the poison. Block them. Mute them. Do whatever it takes to smash the glass and pour the poison down the drain so you can finally start to recover.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about closure is that you need it from the other person; you can give it to yourself.
The Locked Diary
Waiting for an ex to give you closure is like waiting for them to return the key to your own diary. You feel like you can’t close the book on that chapter of your life until they give you their final thoughts and explanations. But it’s your diary. You don’t need their key. You have the power to write the final entry yourself, to close the book, and to put it back on the shelf. Closure is not a key they have to give you; it is a final chapter you have to write for yourself.
I wish I knew that being single in my late 20s was a feature, not a bug, when I was living it.
The Software Update
In my late 20s, I viewed my single status as a critical “bug” in the software of my life—a problem that needed to be fixed immediately. I wish I had understood that it was actually a powerful and necessary feature. It was the “Personal Development 2.0” software update, a crucial period for debugging my own code, upgrading my personal operating system, and figuring out who I was before trying to sync with another device. It wasn’t a bug; it was the essential update that made all future compatibility possible.
99% of people make this one mistake after a bad date: they generalize the experience to all future dates.
The One Bad Apple
Going on one bad date and then declaring “all men are trash” or “dating is impossible” is like biting into one bad, mealy apple and then declaring that you will never eat fruit again for the rest of your life. It’s a dramatic, illogical overreaction. A bad date is not a reflection of the entire dating pool. It is just one bad apple. You have to have the resilience to spit it out, wipe your mouth, and have the courage to try another piece of fruit from the incredibly diverse and abundant orchard.
This one small habit of treating every date as a practice round will change your perspective on dating forever.
The Pre-Season Game
When you put immense pressure on a first date to be “the one,” it’s like treating the very first pre-season football game like it’s the Super Bowl. The stakes feel impossibly high, and it makes you nervous and play poorly. Treating every date as a “practice round” takes all the pressure off. You’re not there to win the championship; you’re just there to run some plays, get to know your teammate, and have a little fun. It lowers the stakes, increases the fun, and ironically, makes you much more likely to play a winning game.
Use a dating app that aligns with your relationship goals, not just the one all your friends are on.
The Fishing Rod
Different dating apps are like different types of fishing rods. Some are designed for casual, catch-and-release fishing in a shallow pond. Others are heavy-duty rods designed for deep-sea fishing, meant to help you find a partner for life. If you are looking for a lifelong catch, but you are using a flimsy, catch-and-release rod just because all your friends are, you are going to be endlessly frustrated. You have to be willing to choose the right tool for the specific kind of fish you are hoping to find.
Stop making your entire life about finding a partner. Do cultivate a fulfilling, passionate life on your own.
The Main Attraction
Making your whole life about finding a partner is like building an entire amusement park with only one ride: the “couple’s rollercoaster.” It puts way too much pressure on that one attraction. A better approach is to build a vibrant, exciting amusement park of your own life, full of amazing rides—your career, your friendships, your hobbies, your travels. A partner then becomes a wonderful person who can come and enjoy the amazing park you’ve already built, not the one and only reason for the park to exist.
Stop being so serious on dates. Do have fun and be playful.
The Job Interview vs. The Recess
Too many people treat a first date like a very serious, high-stakes job interview. The questions are formal, the atmosphere is tense, and you are both on your best, most professional behavior. It’s exhausting. A great first date should feel less like an interview and more like recess. It’s a chance to get out of the stuffy classroom of life and just be playful, to laugh, and to have fun. You’ll learn far more about someone by playing on the swings with them than you ever will in the interview room.
The #1 secret for a successful long-distance relationship in the early stages is to have a clear end date.
The Tunnel
A long-distance relationship without an end date is like being in a long, dark tunnel with no light at the end. You might be okay for a little while, but eventually, the darkness becomes disorienting and hopeless, and you start to wonder if you’ll ever get out. Having a clear plan for when the distance will end—”I’ll move there in six months,” or “We’ll re-evaluate in one year”—is the light at the end of that tunnel. Even if it’s far away, just knowing it’s there gives you the hope and motivation you need to keep moving forward.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably idealizing the person you’re dating and ignoring the reality.
The Movie Poster
In the early stages of dating, the person you are falling for is not the real person; it is the movie poster. You have taken the best, most attractive snapshots of them and have created a glossy, idealized, and exciting image in your mind. But the movie poster is not the movie. The real movie will have boring scenes, continuity errors, and some questionable acting choices. You have to be willing to look past the exciting poster and ask yourself if you are truly falling for the real, flawed, feature-length film.
The reason you’re afraid of commitment is because you haven’t dealt with your fear of being abandoned.
The Unhealed Burn
A deep-seated fear of abandonment is like having a badly healed burn on your hand. You can live your life, but you will be terrified of getting close to any source of heat. Commitment is a warm, beautiful fireplace. But to someone with an unhealed burn, it just looks like a dangerous fire that will inevitably hurt them again. You avoid the warmth not because there’s anything wrong with the fire, but because you haven’t yet tended to the old wound that makes you so sensitive to the heat.
If you’re still introducing every new partner to your family within a month, you’re losing your own judgment.
The Jury Trial
Your friends and family are the jury in the trial of your new relationship. If you bring every single case to them before you’ve even had a chance to gather the evidence and form your own opinion, you are letting the jury decide the verdict for you. You need to be the lead prosecutor first. Spend time with the person, gather your own data, and come to your own conclusion. Only after you’ve decided that you think this person is great should you bring the case to the jury for their confirmation.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about compatibility is that you have to have all the same interests; you just need shared values.
The Road Trip
Shared interests are the fun mixtapes you listen to on a road trip. Shared values are the destination on the map and the type of car you’re driving. It’s great if you both love the same music, but if one of you is trying to drive a sports car to Las Vegas and the other is trying to drive a minivan to the Grand Canyon, you are not going to have a successful trip. You can always find new music to listen to, but you have to agree on where you’re going and how you’re going to get there.
I wish I knew that how someone handles a minor inconvenience is a better predictor of character than how they are on a good day.
The Sunny Day vs. The Rain Shower
Anyone can be a great captain on a calm, sunny day. It’s easy to be charming and cheerful when the sea is smooth. But a person’s true character is revealed when a sudden, unexpected rain shower hits. How do they react when the waiter gets their order wrong, or when you get stuck in traffic? Do they get angry and blame everyone else, or do they laugh it off and find a solution? Don’t just watch them on the sunny days; pay very close attention to how they handle the rain.
99% of people make this one mistake when they feel a strong connection: they “future-trip” and get way ahead of themselves.
The Seed and the Tree
A strong initial connection is like finding a very promising, magical seed. It’s exciting! But “future-tripping”—imagining your wedding and your children after one date—is like holding that seed in your hand and trying to immediately sit in the shade of the giant tree it has not yet become. You are getting way ahead of the natural process. You have to be patient. Your job right now is not to plan a picnic under the tree’s branches; it is simply to plant the seed, water it, and see if it begins to sprout.
This one small action of paying attention to how your date talks about their ex will tell you everything you need to know.
The Previous Tenant Review
When a potential new tenant is looking at your apartment, a smart landlord will call their previous landlord for a review. How a person talks about their exes is their “previous tenant review.” Are they respectful and accountable, saying things like “we just weren’t a good fit”? Or are they bitter and blaming, claiming that every single one of their exes was “crazy”? This review will tell you exactly what kind of tenant they are likely to be in your own house.
Use a double date with friends to see how your new interest interacts in a group, not just one-on-one.
The One-on-One vs. The Party
A one-on-one date is a controlled environment. A double date is like releasing your new person into the wild. How do they act when they are not the sole focus of your attention? Are they engaging and curious with your friends, or do they shut down? Do they still treat you with respect when other people are watching? Seeing how they navigate the more complex social dynamics of a group will give you a much more complete and realistic picture of who they are than the curated, one-on-one performance ever could.
Stop being a “fixer” for broken people. Do find someone who has already done their own work.
The Mechanic and the Car
Being a “fixer” in a relationship is like being a mechanic who is only attracted to broken-down cars. You love the project. You love taking something damaged and making it run. But it is an exhausting, thankless, and never-ending job. You deserve to be with someone who is not a project. Find a partner who has already done the work to be their own mechanic. Then, instead of spending all your time in the garage, you can both get in your well-maintained cars and go on a beautiful road trip together.
Stop looking for someone to save you. Do be your own hero.
The Damsel in Distress
Waiting for a partner to come and save you from your life is like being a damsel in distress, locked in a tower, waiting for a knight in shining armor to come and rescue you. It’s a passive, powerless position. The modern fairytale is about realizing that you can learn to pick the lock yourself. You can tame the dragon, and you can build your own staircase out of the tower. When you become your own hero, you don’t need a savior. You can then find an equal partner who is also a hero, and you can go on amazing adventures together.
The #1 hack for a great conversation on a date is to ask questions you’re genuinely curious about.
Reading from a Script
When you ask a list of generic, pre-planned dating questions, it’s like you are an actor, stiffly reading lines from a bad script. There is no life, no spontaneity. A great conversation happens when you throw the script away. Look at the person in front of you, find something about them that genuinely makes you curious, and ask about that. When you are asking a question you actually want to know the answer to, your energy changes, your eyes light up, and you stop being an actor and start being a real, engaging person.
I’m just going to say it: Your negativity about dating is likely poisoning your dates before they even start.
The Cloud of Rain
If you walk into every date with the belief that it’s going to be a disaster, you are walking in with your own personal rain cloud hovering over your head. You are projecting a gloomy, negative energy that the other person can feel immediately. Even if the sun was shining for them, your cloud is going to cast a shadow over the entire interaction. You have to do the work to get rid of your rain cloud before you arrive, so you can give your date the chance to happen in the sunshine.
The reason you’re not having fun dating is because you’re putting immense pressure on every single interaction.
The Audition for a Lifelong Role
When every date feels like a final, high-stakes audition for the role of “your spouse,” it’s impossible to have fun. The pressure is crushing. You’re not trying to connect; you’re trying to perform perfectly so you can get the part. Dating becomes fun when you change the stakes. You are not holding an audition for a lifelong role. You are simply meeting another actor for a fun, one-hour improv session. The goal is just to play, to connect, and to see if you have good chemistry. That’s it.
If you’re still not being honest about your age or what you do, you’re losing the chance for a relationship built on trust.
The Cracked Foundation
A relationship is like a house, and the foundation is trust. When you start a potential relationship with a lie, no matter how small—shaving a few years off your age, exaggerating your job title—you are intentionally building your house on a cracked foundation. It might look fine from the outside for a little while, but eventually, that crack will spread, and the entire structure you try to build on top of it will be unstable and will likely come crumbling down.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about first impressions is that they’re always right; anxiety can make great people seem awkward.
The Book with the Worn Cover
Judging someone entirely by a nervous first impression is like judging a book by its cover, especially if that book has just been dropped in a puddle. The first date can be a puddle of anxiety. A wonderful, brilliant, and hilarious person can come across as awkward and shy because they are nervous. You have to have the wisdom to look past the water-stained, worn cover of their first-impression anxiety and have the courage to open the book and read the first chapter.
I wish I knew that having standards and boundaries was a sign of self-respect, not of being “picky,” when I was a single.
The Fence Around the Garden
I used to think that having no boundaries meant I was easy-going and open. I was like a beautiful garden with no fence. But with no fence, anyone could just wander in, trample the flowers, and take whatever they wanted. It was exhausting. Learning to set standards and boundaries is the act of building a fence around your garden. It’s not about being picky or keeping good people out. It’s an act of self-respect that says, “This garden is valuable, and I will only grant access to people who will treat it with care.”
99% of people make this one mistake when they are nervous on a date: they ask too many questions and it feels like an interrogation.
The Rapid-Fire Interview
When we get nervous, we often try to fill the silence by asking question after question after question. We think we are creating a conversation, but we are actually creating an interrogation. It feels like a rapid-fire job interview under a harsh spotlight. The other person doesn’t feel connected; they feel like they are on the witness stand. The cure is to slow down, ask one question, and then share something about yourself that relates to their answer. Turn the interrogation into a collaborative storytelling session.
This one small habit of planning a date that you would enjoy even if you went alone will change your dating anxiety forever.
The Free Ticket
When you plan a date that you are genuinely excited about, regardless of the company, you take all the pressure off the other person. You have already guaranteed that you will have a good time. The other person’s presence is not a requirement for your happiness; it is a bonus. It’s like you have a free ticket to your favorite concert. You’re going to go and have an amazing time no matter what. If you happen to meet a cool person to enjoy it with, that just makes a great night even better.
Use a video call before meeting in person to check for basic chemistry, not just relying on photos.
The Sample at the Ice Cream Shop
Committing to a full, in-person date based on just a few photos and texts is like ordering a giant, three-scoop cone of a new ice cream flavor without ever tasting it first. It’s a big investment of time and energy based on a guess. A quick video call is the free sample spoon. It’s a low-pressure, five-minute taste test that allows you to check for basic chemistry and flavor compatibility before you decide to invest in the full cone.
Stop letting your friends’ opinions of your date outweigh your own. Do trust your own judgment.
The Restaurant Critic
Your friends’ opinions are like restaurant reviews. It’s smart to read them and take them into consideration, but you should never let a critic’s review be the only reason you do or do not eat at a restaurant. You are the one who is actually sitting at the table, tasting the food. You are the one who knows if you enjoy the atmosphere. You have to be the ultimate critic of your own experience. Trust your own taste buds more than you trust the reviews of people who aren’t even there.
Stop being afraid to show you’re interested. Do let someone know you had a great time.
The Closed Door
Playing it cool and hiding your interest is like having a guest over, enjoying their company, and then showing them to a closed door at the end of the night without saying a word. They will leave confused, assuming you didn’t have a good time. Letting someone know you’re interested—with a simple text or a warm smile—is like opening that door and saying, “I had a wonderful time with you tonight. I hope you’ll come back soon.” It replaces ambiguity with a warm and welcoming invitation.
The #1 secret for a successful “meet the parents” moment is to ask them questions about themselves.
The Interviewer Becomes the Interviewee
Meeting the parents can feel like a terrifying job interview where you are the sole candidate. The secret is to flip the script. You are not just there to be interviewed; you are also a curious journalist, there to learn the story of these interesting people. By asking them genuine questions about their lives, their stories, and their interests, you take the spotlight off of yourself and shine it on them. People love to talk about themselves, and it shows that you see them as people, not just as gatekeepers.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably ignoring clear signs that the person you’re dating is a narcissist.
The Beautiful, Empty House
A narcissist can be like a stunningly beautiful house. The curb appeal is perfect, the exterior is flawless, and it seems like a dream come true. But when you get inside, you realize it’s just a model home. The furniture is fake, the fireplace doesn’t work, and there is no real warmth or life inside. It is a beautiful but ultimately empty structure, designed only to be admired from the outside. You are ignoring the fact that while it looks perfect, there is no one actually living inside.
The reason you’re not attracting the right kind of person is because of your own negative energy.
The Bug Zapper
Having a negative, cynical attitude about dating is like turning yourself into a human bug zapper. You might be putting yourself out there, but you are emitting a constant, low-level hum of negativity and a bright, harsh light of desperation. This energy actively repels the beautiful, healthy butterflies you want to attract and, ironically, tends to draw in the annoying gnats and mosquitos who are attracted to the dysfunction. You have to change your own energy from a bug zapper into a warm, inviting porch light.
If you’re still thinking that being single is a problem to be solved, you’re losing the opportunity for incredible personal growth.
The Unscheduled Layover
Being single can feel like an annoying, unscheduled layover on your journey to the destination of a relationship. You are stuck in the airport, waiting for your real life to begin. But a layover is also an unexpected opportunity. You can leave the airport and explore a new city that you never planned to visit. You can discover hidden gems and learn new things about yourself. Seeing your single life as a problem to be solved is like sitting miserably at the gate, when you could be out having an amazing adventure in a new city.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about love at first sight is that it’s a reliable indicator of a good long-term match.
The Fireworks Display
Love at first sight is a fireworks display. It is a spectacular, dazzling, and unforgettable explosion of light and sound. It’s a wonderful experience. But a fireworks display only lasts for a few minutes. It is not a sustainable source of light or warmth. A real, lasting relationship is the slow, steady burn of a campfire. It might not start with a huge explosion, but it’s the kind of fire that can keep you warm through the long, cold night. Don’t mistake the fireworks for the campfire.
I wish I knew that my relationship with myself set the tone for all my other relationships when I was single.
The Tuning Fork
Your relationship with yourself is the tuning fork for your entire life. If you are treating yourself with criticism, disrespect, and neglect, you are vibrating at a low, dissonant frequency. This is the tone you will broadcast out into the world, and it will attract people who are comfortable with that same, unhealthy frequency. Learning to treat yourself with love and respect is the act of striking that tuning fork on a beautiful, resonant note. It sets a clear, healthy tone that will attract people who harmonize with your self-worth.
99% of people make this one mistake when a relationship ends: they immediately go looking for a replacement.
The Rebound House
When a relationship ends, it’s like your house has just burned down. You are sad, you are in shock, and you are emotionally homeless. Immediately jumping into a new relationship is like frantically buying the very first house you see, just so you have a roof over your head. It’s a panic-driven decision, not a thoughtful one. You need to give yourself time to stay in a temporary rental—the support of friends and family—to grieve the old house and to carefully figure out what you actually want and need before you start house hunting again.
This one small action of writing a list of your non-negotiable values will change who you decide to date forever.
The Compass for Your Ship
Dating without a clear sense of your values is like being the captain of a ship with no compass, just drifting aimlessly on the vast ocean, hoping you bump into a nice island. You are at the mercy of the currents and the winds. Writing down your core, non-negotiable values—like kindness, curiosity, and integrity—is the act of creating your compass. It doesn’t tell you which specific island to go to, but it gives you a true north. It allows you to steer your ship with purpose and confidence, navigating away from the wrong places and toward the right ones.
Use a professional matchmaker if you value your time, not just relying on endless swiping.
The Personal Shopper
Swiping on a dating app is like trying to find the perfect outfit by rummaging through a massive, chaotic, and disorganized warehouse store. You might eventually find something, but you’ll have to sort through mountains of junk, and it will take forever. Hiring a matchmaker is like hiring a high-end personal shopper. They listen to your needs, they understand your style, and they go into the store for you, returning with a curated selection of high-quality options. It’s an efficient, targeted approach for people who value their time.