Use scheduled arguments to contain conflict, not spontaneous blow-ups that ruin your day.
The Boxing Ring vs. The Street Fight
A spontaneous argument is a chaotic street fight. It can break out anywhere—in the kitchen, in the car—and there are no rules. It’s messy, it’s public, and it leaves you both bruised and unsafe for the rest of the day. Scheduling a time to argue is like agreeing to a boxing match. You both consciously step into a designated “ring” at a specific time. You follow a set of rules, and when the final bell rings, the fight is over. You leave the conflict contained within the ropes, so it doesn’t spill out and ruin your entire world.
Stop striving for a “perfect” relationship. Do embrace a “good enough” relationship with someone you can be messy with.
The Model Home vs. The Comfy Couch
A “perfect” relationship is like a pristine model home in a new development. Everything is beautiful, clean, and perfectly placed. But you can’t actually live there. You’re afraid to touch anything or put your feet up. A “good enough” relationship is your own worn-in, comfortable couch. It might have a few stains and a lumpy cushion, but it’s the one place in the world where you can be your complete, messy, authentic self. It’s built for real life and real comfort, not for a magazine cover.
Stop putting your kids’ happiness before the health of your marriage. Do prioritize your partnership, as it’s the foundation of their security.
The Roots of the Tree
A family is like a beautiful, sprawling tree. The children are the branches and leaves, reaching for the sun, and it’s tempting to give them all your attention. But the marriage is the deep, unseen root system. If you neglect the roots, if you stop watering them and giving them nourishment, the entire tree will become unstable. The greatest gift you can give your branches is not just to tend to their leaves, but to cultivate a strong, healthy root system that will keep them secure through any storm.
The #1 secret for a lasting relationship that gurus won’t admit is having separate hobbies and spending significant time apart.
The Two Trees in the Forest
A healthy, lasting partnership is not about two people fusing into one single entity. It’s like two strong, magnificent trees growing side-by-side in a forest. For the trees to be healthy, they each need their own space to grow and their own deep, independent root system to draw nourishment from the soil (separate hobbies, friends, and interests). Their branches can then intertwine high up in the sky, creating a beautiful shared canopy, but their strength comes from the fact that they are two whole, separate trees, not one codependent vine.
I’m just going to say it: Chemistry fades, but compatibility in values and lifestyle is what makes a relationship last.
The Fireworks vs. The Campfire
Chemistry is a fireworks display. It’s a spectacular, dazzling, and unforgettable explosion of light and sound that happens at the beginning. It’s a magical event, but it’s over in a few minutes and you can’t live by its light. Compatibility is the slow, steady burn of a well-built campfire. It might not start with a huge, flashy explosion, but it’s the kind of reliable, consistent warmth and light that can keep you safe and comfortable through the long, dark, cold night of a shared life.
The reason your “perfect” partner isn’t making you happy is because happiness is an internal state, not an external acquisition.
The Beautiful Car with No Destination
Finding a “perfect” partner can be like acquiring your dream car. It’s beautiful, it’s impressive, and it’s exciting to have. But a car, no matter how perfect, cannot give you a destination. It cannot cure your own sense of aimlessness. If you have no inner purpose, no map, and no idea where you are going, you will just be a person, sitting in a beautiful car in a garage, feeling empty. A partner is a wonderful companion for the journey, but you have to be the one who knows where you want to go.
If you’re still thinking love is enough to make a relationship work, you’re losing to reality.
The Beautiful Sailboat with No Rudder
The feeling of love is the big, beautiful sail on a sailboat. It can catch the wind and create powerful, exhilarating momentum. It’s the engine of the relationship. But a sailboat with no rudder—with no shared values, no communication skills, no mutual respect—is just a beautiful death trap. The first big storm will send it crashing into the rocks. Love is the power, but compatibility and skill are the rudder that allows you to steer that power through the inevitable storms of life.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about relationships is that they shouldn’t be hard work; the best things in life require effort.
The Beautiful Garden
The myth of the effortless relationship is like believing a beautiful, vibrant garden should just magically spring up out of the ground. But a real garden requires constant, intentional work. You have to prepare the soil, plant the seeds, pull the weeds of misunderstanding, and water it daily with kindness and attention. The work is not a sign that your garden is failing; the work is the very thing that makes the garden beautiful and allows it to thrive.
I wish I knew that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone go when I was younger.
The Caged Bird
Sometimes, you can love a beautiful, wild bird with all your heart. You can put it in a golden cage, feed it the best seeds, and adore it every single day. But if that bird is meant to fly, keeping it in the cage is not an act of love; it is an act of selfishness. The most profound, and most painful, act of love is to open the door of the cage and let it fly, even if it means you will never see it again. True love values the other’s freedom more than your own possession of them.
99% of people make this one mistake when choosing a partner: they fall in love with potential instead of reality.
The Fixer-Upper House
Falling in love with someone’s potential is like buying a dilapidated, fixer-upper house because you have fallen in love with the architectural blueprint of what it could be. You see the great bones and the amazing future. But you are not living in the blueprint; you are living in the reality of the leaky roof, the cracked foundation, and the years of exhausting renovation work that the other person may never actually be willing to do. You have to be in love with the house as it stands today, not the fantasy of its future.
This one small action of fully accepting your partner for who they are right now, not who they could be, will change everything.
The Gardener and the Oak Tree
When you plant an oak tree, you don’t spend years yelling at it to become a pine tree. You don’t criticize its leaves for not being needles. You accept it for what it is, and you provide it with the unique conditions it needs to become the most magnificent oak tree it can be. Fully accepting your partner is the act of being that wise gardener. It’s the release of the exhausting, futile project of trying to change them, and the beginning of the beautiful, life-giving project of loving them.
Use a little bit of healthy selfishness to meet your own needs, not complete selflessness that leads to resentment.
The Empty Pitcher
Complete selflessness in a relationship is like being a pitcher that is constantly pouring all of its water out for others, without ever refilling itself. Eventually, the pitcher will run completely dry. When someone comes to you for a drink, you will have nothing left to give but dust and resentment. Healthy selfishness is the non-negotiable act of taking your pitcher to the well and refilling it. It ensures that when you give to others, you are giving from a place of abundance, not a place of depletion.
Stop trying to be your partner’s everything. Do encourage them to have a rich network of friends and support.
The One Pillar
Trying to be your partner’s sole source of emotional support is like trying to be the one and only pillar holding up a massive roof. The weight is too much for any single pillar to bear. Eventually, you will start to crack under the pressure. A healthy relationship encourages a wide support structure. It knows that the roof of a person’s well-being is most stable when it is held up by multiple, strong pillars—friends, family, and hobbies—not just one.
Stop thinking that jealousy is a sign of love. Do recognize it as a sign of insecurity and fear.
The Guard and the Treasure
We sometimes think that jealousy is the fierce guard that proves how much we value the treasure of our partner. But a truly valuable treasure, kept in a secure vault of a healthy relationship, does not need a paranoid, frantic guard. Jealousy is not the guard; it is the alarm system that is triggered by the shaky, unstable foundation of your own insecurity. It is not a signal of your love for them; it is a signal of your lack of trust in yourself.
The #1 hack for a stronger relationship is to learn how to fight well, not to avoid fighting altogether.
The Controlled Burn
A relationship with no conflict is not a healthy forest; it is a forest that is dangerously overgrown with the dry underbrush of unspoken resentments. The first small spark will cause a devastating wildfire. Learning to fight well is the practice of a controlled burn. It is the intentional, carefully managed process of clearing out that dangerous underbrush in a safe way. A good fight isn’t a sign of a problem; it is the preventative maintenance that keeps the whole forest healthy.
I’m just going to say it: “Never go to bed angry” is terrible advice; sleeping on it often brings clarity and calm.
The Two Drunk Pilots
Forcing yourselves to resolve a conflict when you are both exhausted and emotionally flooded is like two drunk pilots trying to land a plane in a hurricane. Your judgment is impaired, your hands are unsteady, and you are far more likely to crash the plane than to land it safely. Sometimes, the wisest and safest thing you can do is to put the plane on autopilot (agree to pause), go to sleep in the cockpit, and come back to the controls in the morning with clear heads and calm nerves.
The reason you’re not happy in your relationship is because your expectations are based on romantic comedies, not reality.
The Movie Set
Romantic comedies are a movie set. They are a beautiful, perfectly lit, and expertly scripted illusion of a relationship. They show you the witty banter and the grand romantic gesture, but they don’t show you the boring Tuesday nights, the arguments about finances, or the silent, comfortable companionship. If your expectations are based on the movie set, you will always be disappointed by the beautiful, messy, and unscripted reality of what it’s like to build a real house with someone.
If you’re still believing in “the one,” you’re losing out on many potentially wonderful partners.
The One Key
Believing in “the one” is like believing there is only one single, magical key in the entire world that can open the door to your heart. This turns dating into a stressful, high-stakes, and nearly impossible treasure hunt. A healthier perspective is that your heart is a well-made lock that can be opened by many different, well-crafted keys. There isn’t just one. There are many wonderful, compatible people out there who hold a key that could fit. Your job is to find a great fit, not the one and only mythical key.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about soulmates is that you find them; the truth is, you build a soulmate connection through shared experience and effort.
The Raw Marble
You don’t find a soulmate like you find a finished, polished statue in a museum. You are given a raw, un-carved block of marble. A soulmate connection is the thing you build together, over many years of shared effort. It is the slow, patient, and sometimes difficult work of chipping away at the rough edges, of sanding down the conflicts, and of slowly, over a lifetime, carving that raw material into a unique and beautiful work of art, together.
I wish I knew that periods of boredom are a normal, healthy part of any long-term relationship.
The Ocean
A long-term relationship is like the ocean. Sometimes there will be thrilling, passionate hurricanes and exciting, playful waves. But the ocean is also, for long periods of time, calm, quiet, and predictable. I used to think these calm periods were a sign of a problem. I wish I had known that the calm is not a sign of death; it is a necessary and healthy part of the ocean’s rhythm. It is in these quiet, boring moments of peace that you can go the deepest.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their “us” time: they confuse proximity with presence.
The Two People in the Elevator
Sitting on the same couch, both scrolling on your own phones, is not quality time. It is proximity. It’s like two strangers standing next to each other in an elevator. You are occupying the same small space for a period of time, but you are not connected. You are in two separate, private worlds. Presence is when you both agree to get off the elevator, to put your phones away, and to actually look at each other and share an experience, a conversation, and a moment.
This one small habit of taking solo trips will change your relationship for the better forever.
The Two Travelers
A solo trip is not an escape from your relationship; it is a journey back to yourself. It is like being a traveler who goes on a solo adventure to a foreign land and comes back with amazing stories, new perspectives, and exciting souvenirs to share with their partner. It makes you a more interesting person. When you return, you are not just the person who helps manage the household; you are a fascinating traveler with a fresh, new story to tell, which injects a powerful dose of novelty and excitement into the relationship.
Use a healthy dose of skepticism in the beginning of a relationship, not just blind optimism.
The House Inspector
When you fall in love with a beautiful new house, your first instinct is to be blindly optimistic and to imagine your wonderful future there. But a smart homebuyer does not do this. A smart homebuyer hires an inspector. The inspector’s job is not to ruin your dream; it’s to take a clear-eyed, skeptical look at the foundation, the plumbing, and the wiring. A healthy dose of skepticism in a new relationship is not cynical; it is the wise act of being your own inspector, ensuring that the beautiful house you’ve fallen for is actually built to last.
Stop trying to solve all of your partner’s problems for them. Do allow them the dignity of their own struggle.
The Butterfly and the Cocoon
If you see a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon, your compassionate instinct might be to help it, to cut open the cocoon and free it. But this act of “helping” will actually cripple the butterfly. The struggle to break free is what pushes the fluid into the butterfly’s wings, giving them the strength they need to fly. By solving your partner’s problems for them, you are robbing them of the struggle that is necessary for them to develop their own wings.
Stop being so agreeable. Do voice your own opinions, because healthy conflict and differing perspectives create attraction.
The Two Smooth Stones
A relationship where both people are constantly agreeable is like two perfectly smooth, round stones. They don’t create any friction, but they also don’t create any spark. They just sit there. Attraction requires a little bit of friction, a little bit of texture. Having your own different, and even conflicting, opinions is like having some interesting, rough edges. It is these unique edges, when they rub up against your partner’s, that can create the exciting spark of passion and keep the relationship from becoming too smooth and boring.
The #1 secret for a passionate relationship is maintaining a little bit of mystery and separateness.
The Closed Door
When you and your partner know every single thing about each other, it’s like living in a small house with no doors. There is no privacy, no mystery, and no space for desire to grow. Desire requires a little bit of distance to thrive. Having your own separate hobbies and friendships is like having a room in that house that is just for you. The closed door of that room is not a sign of a secret; it is the necessary space of mystery that makes your partner curious to know what you are doing in there, which is the very essence of desire.
I’m just going to say it: You don’t have to be best friends with your partner’s friends, you just have to be respectful.
The Two Different Countries
You and your partner are like two different, friendly, neighboring countries. You each have your own unique culture, your own language, and your own citizens (your friends). It is unrealistic to expect that all of your citizens will become best friends with all of their citizens. That is not the goal. The goal of a healthy alliance is for the leaders of the two countries (you and your partner) to have a strong bond, and for the citizens of both nations to treat each other with mutual respect when they cross the border.
The reason your relationship feels smothering is because you have no personal space or alone time.
The Drowning Swimmer
A relationship without any personal space is like two people trying to learn how to swim by desperately clinging to each other in the deep end of a pool. Instead of supporting each other, you are just pulling each other under. You are both suffocating. To have a healthy swimming partnership, you each need to know how to float on your own. Alone time is the act of letting go of your partner and remembering that you can float. It allows you to come back to them as a capable, confident swimmer, not a drowning victim.
If you’re still sharing a joint social media account, you’re losing your individual identity.
The Two-Headed Sweater
A joint social media account is like a cheesy, two-headed holiday sweater. It might seem cute and unified from a distance, but in reality, it is restrictive, clumsy, and it forces two separate people to move in awkward, unnatural ways. It erases your individual tastes, your unique voice, and your personal connections. A healthy relationship is not about two people wearing one sweater; it’s about two people with their own unique, stylish outfits, who just happen to look amazing when they stand next to each other.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about intimacy is that it means sharing every single thought and feeling; some things can be kept for yourself.
The House with No Walls
The idea that true intimacy requires total transparency is like believing the perfect house is one with no interior walls. You would have no privacy, no personal space, and no place to retreat. It would be an exhausting and unlivable home. A healthy inner world is like having a beautiful, private room in that house that is just for you. It is not a secret you are keeping from your partner; it is a sacred space you are keeping for yourself, which makes the shared spaces of the house feel even more special.
I wish I knew that having a private inner world was healthy, not a betrayal, when I was younger.
The Secret Garden
I used to believe that my mind and heart should be a completely open field that my partner could wander through at will. I thought any private, hidden corner was a betrayal. I wish I had known that a healthy mind is not an open field; it is a beautiful estate with a small, secret garden that is just for me. This is the place where I can cultivate my own unique thoughts and feelings without any outside influence. It is not a place I am hiding from my partner; it is the sacred place where I grow the flowers I will later share with them.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are in love: they mistake the intensity of the infatuation for the quality of the connection.
The Forest Fire vs. The Power Plant
Infatuation is a forest fire. It is a wild, uncontrollable, and intensely hot blaze that consumes everything in its path. It is thrilling and powerful, but it is also destructive and it burns out quickly, leaving a landscape of ash. A real, quality connection is a hydroelectric power plant. It may not have the dramatic, wild flames, but it is a source of deep, steady, and sustainable energy, built on a solid foundation, that can reliably power a city for a hundred years.
This one small action of listening to your gut when it tells you something is off will save you from years of pain.
The Smoke Detector
Your gut feeling is the smoke detector of your soul. Your logical brain is easily fooled by a charming personality or a beautiful exterior, and it will try to convince you that everything is fine. But your intuition, your gut, can smell a tiny, faint whiff of smoke that your logical brain cannot see. That quiet but persistent “beep, beep, beep” is a life-saving warning. Even if you can’t see the flames, when you hear the smoke detector, get out of the house.
Use a trial separation to gain clarity, not just staying together out of inertia.
The View from the Hilltop
When you are in a long-term relationship, it’s like you are deep in a dense forest. You can only see the trees that are right in front of you, and it’s easy to lose your perspective. A trial separation is the act of leaving the forest for a little while and climbing to the top of a nearby hill. It is not about leaving forever. It is about getting a clear, panoramic view of the forest you have been living in, so you can make a wise and informed decision about whether or not you want to walk back in.
Stop thinking that a breakup is a failure. Do see it as a successful exit from a situation that wasn’t working.
The Wrong Bus
A breakup can feel like a devastating failure. But imagine you have gotten on a bus that you have slowly realized is heading in the completely wrong direction, to a city you do not want to live in. Staying on that bus out of a fear of “failing” would be the real failure. A breakup is the brave, wise, and successful act of realizing you are on the wrong bus, pulling the cord, and getting off at the very next stop, so you can find the right bus that will take you where you truly want to go.
Stop staying in an unhappy relationship “for the kids.” Do show them what a healthy, happy adult looks like, even if it means you’re single.
The Classroom
Your home is the most important classroom your children will ever be in, and you are their most important teachers on the subject of love. If you are staying in a tense, unhappy, and loveless marriage, you are teaching them a daily lesson that this is what love looks like. You are giving them a broken blueprint for their own future relationships. Showing them two happy parents who are living separately is a far better lesson than showing them two unhappy parents who are living together.
The #1 hack for a better sex life in a long-term relationship is to schedule it, because spontaneity is a myth for busy adults.
The Most Important Meeting of the Week
If you and your business partner had a weekly meeting that was absolutely critical for the success of your company, you would never just hope that it would “spontaneously” happen in a free moment. You would schedule it. You would put it on the calendar as a non-negotiable appointment. Sex in a long-term relationship is that meeting. It is critical for the health of your partnership. Scheduling it is not unromantic; it is a declaration that your intimacy is a top priority, worthy of its own protected, dedicated time slot.
I’m just going to say it: Love is not unconditional in romantic partnerships; it’s based on mutual respect and healthy behavior.
The Garden and the Gardener
The love for a child can be like the love for a wild, beautiful field—you love it no matter what grows there. But love in a romantic partnership is a cultivated garden. It is a conditional partnership between two gardeners who have agreed to a set of rules. The love and the beauty of that garden is entirely conditional on both gardeners doing the work of pulling the weeds of disrespect and watering the flowers of kindness. If one gardener starts planting poison ivy, the other is not obligated to stay in the garden.
The reason your relationship is so dramatic is because one or both of you are addicted to the chaos.
The Rollercoaster
A healthy, stable relationship is like a beautiful, pleasant walk in a park. It is calm, it is enjoyable, and it is sustainable. A dramatic relationship is a rollercoaster. It has thrilling, exhilarating highs and terrifying, stomach-churning lows. If you have become accustomed to the adrenaline rush of the rollercoaster, the peaceful walk in the park will feel boring. If you are addicted to the chaos, you will subconsciously create it, because the intensity of the ride feels more exciting than the quiet beauty of solid ground.
If you’re still trying to “win” your ex back, you’re losing your dignity.
The Closed Door
Trying to win back an ex who has clearly stated they want to leave is like standing outside a house you used to live in, after the new owners have changed the locks, and continuing to frantically ring the doorbell. You are not being romantic; you are being a nuisance. You are begging for entry into a place you are no longer welcome. True dignity is accepting that the door is closed, turning around, and walking down the street with your head held high, ready to find a new house where the door is open for you.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about forgiveness is that you have to “forgive and forget”; you can forgive and still remember the lesson.
The Burned Hand
If you touch a hot stove and burn your hand, “forgiving and forgetting” would mean you pretend the stove was never hot and you just keep touching it. That is not wisdom; that is foolishness. True forgiveness is the act of your hand healing from the burn. You no longer feel the constant, searing pain. But you also do not forget that the stove is hot. You can forgive the stove, but you also remember the powerful lesson it taught you, so you don’t get burned again.
I wish I knew that I didn’t have to forgive someone to heal and move on when I was recovering from a toxic relationship.
The Poison
We are often told that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But sometimes, in the aftermath of a deep betrayal, forgiveness can feel like being forced to drink a second glass of poison called “letting them off the hook.” I wish I had known that the real antidote is not forgiveness, but acceptance. It is the calm, quiet acceptance that they are who they are, the situation is what it is, and my job is not to forgive them, but to simply put down the glass and walk away.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are single: they believe being in a relationship will solve their problems.
The Magic Pill
Being single and believing a relationship will solve all your problems is like having a deep, chronic illness and believing there is a magic pill that will instantly cure you. You spend all your time and energy searching for that one pill. But your loneliness, your insecurity, and your lack of purpose are not external problems that a pill can fix. They are internal conditions that require you to do the hard work of changing your own diet, your exercise, and your mindset. A relationship is not the cure; it is just a companion who can support you while you cure yourself.
This one small habit of learning to enjoy your own company will make you infinitely more attractive.
The Fun Party
A person who is uncomfortable being alone is like the host of a sad, boring party. They are desperate for guests to arrive to create some energy. This desperation is palpable and it pushes people away. A person who genuinely loves their own company is the host of a fantastic party that they are enjoying all by themselves. The music is great, the food is delicious. This joyful, self-sufficient energy is incredibly attractive. People are not needed, they are wanted, and they will be lining up around the block to get into your amazing party.
Use a long engagement to test the relationship under stress, not just rushing to the altar.
The Test Drive
A short engagement during the honeymoon phase is like test-driving a new car on a perfectly smooth, sunny day. It will feel amazing, but it tells you nothing about how the car will perform in a real-world storm. A longer engagement is a proper test drive. It gives you the time to drive the car through the stress of a financial blizzard, the slippery roads of a family conflict, and the frustrating traffic jam of a disagreement. You need to see how the car handles in bad weather before you decide to buy it.
Stop thinking that marriage will solve your underlying relationship problems. Do fix them before you get married.
The New Coat of Paint
Getting married to solve your relationship problems is like discovering your house has a cracked foundation and a leaky roof, and thinking that the solution is to just put a new, beautiful coat of paint on the outside. The house might look better for a little while, and your neighbors might even congratulate you on the beautiful new color. But the paint will do absolutely nothing to fix the deep, structural problems that will eventually cause the entire house to crumble.
Stop trying to have a “perfect” wedding. Do focus on building a strong foundation for the marriage instead.
The Launch Party vs. The Company
A wedding is the spectacular, expensive, and exciting launch party for your new company. It’s easy to spend all your time, money, and energy making sure the party is absolutely perfect. But the party only lasts for one day. The marriage is the actual company, which you have to run for the next fifty years. A successful company is not built on a great launch party; it is built on a solid business plan, a shared vision, and a strong partnership. Focus on the company, not just the party.
The #1 secret for a happy family is a happy and connected couple at its core.
The Sun of the Solar System
A family is a solar system. A happy, connected, and stable couple is the sun at the very center, providing the warmth, light, and gravitational pull that keeps everything in a predictable orbit. The children are the planets. If the sun at the center is cold, dark, or unstable, the planets will be thrown into a chaotic, cold, and frightening orbit. The single most important thing you can do for the health of your planets is to ensure the sun at the center of your universe is burning brightly.
I’m just going to say it: It’s perfectly okay to not want to have kids, and you shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into it.
The Cross-Country Road Trip
Deciding whether or not to have children is like deciding whether or not you want to go on a specific, eighteen-year, cross-country road trip. It is a massive, life-altering journey that will change everything. It is not a trip that everyone wants or needs to take. It is perfectly okay to look at the map for that particular journey and to say, with confidence and peace, “That looks like a beautiful trip for some people, but it is not the adventure I want for my life.”
The reason you’re so unhappy is because you’re living a life that looks good on paper but doesn’t feel good in your soul.
The Beautiful, Uncomfortable Suit
A life that looks good on paper is like a very expensive, impeccably tailored, and impressive suit that is made out of an itchy, uncomfortable material. You get a lot of compliments when you wear it, and it looks great in pictures, but you are in a state of constant, low-grade misery every moment you have it on. True happiness is having the courage to take off the impressive suit and to put on your own comfortable, worn-in clothes that may not look as good on paper, but that feel like home to your soul.
If you’re still trying to “keep up with the Joneses” as a couple, you’re losing sight of your own values.
The Race on the Wrong Track
Trying to keep up with the Joneses is like being a talented runner who has accidentally wandered into the middle of someone else’s race, on a track that is heading in the wrong direction. You are running as hard as you can, trying to keep up with the other runners, but you are exhausted and miserable because you are not even running towards your own finish line. You have to have the courage to stop, to step off their track, to find your own, and to start running the beautiful, unique race of your own life.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about relationships is that there’s a “right” way to do them; every healthy relationship is unique.
The Two Cooks in the Kitchen
The idea that there is a “right” way to have a relationship is like believing there is only one correct recipe in the entire world. But a healthy partnership is like two creative cooks in a kitchen. You are not obligated to follow anyone else’s recipe. You have the freedom to look at your unique ingredients—your personalities, your values, your circumstances—and to create your own, one-of-a-kind dish. It doesn’t have to look or taste like anyone else’s; it just has to be a meal that you both find delicious and nourishing.
I wish I knew that I could create my own relationship rules and ignore the conventional ones when I was a young adult.
The Inherited Blueprint
When I was younger, I thought I had been handed the one and only official blueprint for how a relationship had to be built. I thought I had to follow the conventional rules, even if they didn’t feel right. I wish I had known that I was not a construction worker; I was the architect. You and your partner are the architects of your own, custom-designed home. You have the power to throw away the inherited blueprint and to design a unique, beautiful, and unconventional structure that perfectly fits the two people who are actually going to live in it.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their finances: they merge them completely without discussion, which can lead to a loss of autonomy.
The Single Bucket
Merging all of your finances without a discussion is like taking two full, separate buckets of water that you have each worked hard to collect, and dumping them both into one single, shared bucket. While it promotes unity, it also means that neither of you has a single drop of water that is just your own. This can lead to a feeling of powerlessness. A healthier approach is to agree to pour most of your water into the shared bucket, but to each keep a small, personal bucket for yourselves, honoring both your unity and your autonomy.
This one small habit of having your own “no questions asked” fun money will reduce financial arguments forever.
The Personal Vending Machine
Arguing about small, personal purchases is a huge source of marital stress. Having a small, agreed-upon amount of “no questions asked” fun money each month is like giving each other a pre-paid card for your own personal vending machine. You can use your card to buy whatever silly, frivolous, or fun thing you want from your machine, and you never have to justify it to your partner. It is a small change that eliminates a huge category of petty financial arguments.
Use separate vacations to pursue individual interests, not just always traveling together.
The Two Different Adventure Books
A great marriage is like a library that is full of amazing books. The vacations you take together are the wonderful, shared adventure stories that you are the co-authors of. But a truly great library also has a section for each of your solo memoirs. The separate trips you take to pursue your own passions are the chapters of your own, individual adventure book. This doesn’t take away from your shared story; it just makes you a more interesting and well-read author to come home to.
Stop feeling guilty for wanting time away from your partner and kids. Do see it as a healthy and necessary way to recharge.
The Charging Station
Your energy is a battery. Every day, you plug yourself into your family and your relationship, and they draw power from you. If you never take the time to unplug and to go back to your own, personal charging station, your battery will eventually die. Time alone is not a selfish indulgence; it is the essential, non-negotiable act of plugging yourself back into your own power source. You have to recharge your own battery if you want to have any energy left to give to the people you love.
Stop trying to be the “cool girl” or the “nice guy.” Do be your authentic, complicated self.
The Perfect Mannequin
Trying to be the “perfect” partner is like trying to be a mannequin in a store window. You might look flawless, you are always agreeable, and you are wearing the perfect outfit. But you are also lifeless, personality-less, and boring. Nobody falls in love with a mannequin. They fall in love with a real, messy, complicated human being who has opinions, passions, and a few endearing flaws. Stop trying to be the perfect decoration in the window and start being the interesting person in the store.
The #1 secret for a relationship that lasts is not shared interests, but shared adaptability to change.
The Two Rafts on the River
A relationship is like two people navigating a long, winding river on their own separate rafts, but tied together. Shared interests are like having the same favorite songs to listen to on the journey—it’s nice, but it won’t save you. Shared adaptability to change is your shared skill at navigating the river itself. It is your ability to work together when you hit the unexpected rapids of a job loss or the sharp turn of an illness. Your musical taste won’t matter if you can’t paddle in sync.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not compatible in the long run, and you’re ignoring the signs.
The Two Different Puzzle Pieces
Compatibility is not about being identical; it is about fitting together. You can have two of the most beautiful, intricate, and valuable puzzle pieces in the world, but if their edges do not line up—if your core values, your communication styles, or your life goals are fundamentally different—you cannot force them to fit. You can try to jam them together for a while, but it will just damage both pieces. Sometimes, you have to accept that you are two beautiful pieces that belong to two different puzzles.
The reason you keep breaking up and getting back together is because you’re addicted to the emotional highs and lows, not the person.
The Rollercoaster Addiction
An on-again, off-again relationship is an emotional rollercoaster. The makeup sex is the thrilling drop, and the inevitable breakup is the terrifying, stomach-churning low. If you are addicted to this ride, it is not because you love the person you are on it with. It is because you have become addicted to the intense adrenaline rush of the chaos itself. A healthy, stable relationship will feel boring to you, not because it is lacking love, but because it is lacking the addictive, and ultimately destructive, drama.
If you’re still hoping your partner will fundamentally change who they are, you’re losing your own chance at happiness.
Waiting for the Bus at the Train Station
Hoping your partner will fundamentally change who they are is like standing at a train station and desperately hoping that a bus will come and pick you up. You can wait for years. You can get angry, you can plead, but a bus will never arrive at a train station. You are in the wrong place. Your only two choices for happiness are to either learn to love riding the train, or to walk down the street to the bus station and wait for an actual bus.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about attraction is that it’s all about looks; it’s mostly about how you make someone feel.
The Beautiful, Empty Room
A person who is physically attractive but has a negative personality is like a stunningly beautiful, perfectly decorated room that is also freezing cold and has terrible acoustics. You might be impressed when you first walk in, but you will not want to stay for very long. It just doesn’t feel good. A person who makes you feel warm, safe, and happy is like a simple, cozy room with a comfortable chair and a roaring fire. It might not be as impressive at first glance, but it is the room you will never want to leave.
I wish I knew that a great sense of humor was sexier than a great body when I was dating.
The Beautiful Book with Boring Text
A great body is like a beautifully designed, hard-cover book. It is impressive to look at, and it’s what makes you want to pick it up in the first place. But if you open that beautiful book and the story inside is dull, repetitive, and has no spark, you are not going to keep reading for very long. A great sense of humor is a brilliant, hilarious, and captivating story. And in the long run, we will always choose the book that makes us laugh over the one that just looks good on the shelf.
99% of people make this one mistake when they’re attracted to someone: they put them on a pedestal and stop seeing them as a real person.
The Marble Statue
Putting someone you’re attracted to on a pedestal is like turning them into a flawless, marble statue. You spend all your time admiring them from below, marveling at their perfection, and feeling unworthy. But in doing so, you have stripped them of their humanity. You are no longer interacting with a real, messy, and beautifully flawed person; you are worshipping a cold, hard object of your own creation. You can’t have a relationship with a statue. You have to be brave enough to let them step down from the pedestal.
This one small action of seeing someone as a whole, flawed human being will change your dating life forever.
The Un-Edited Photograph
When we are infatuated, we are looking at a perfectly edited, photoshopped image of a person. We have smoothed out all their wrinkles and erased all their blemishes. Seeing someone as a whole, flawed human is the act of looking at the original, un-edited photograph. You see the laugh lines, the scars, and the imperfections. This does not make them less beautiful; it makes them real. And you can only truly love and connect with the real, un-edited photograph, not the perfect, fake illusion.
Use a healthy dose of pragmatism in love, not just blind romance.
The Hot Air Balloon
Blind romance is like jumping into a beautiful, colorful hot air balloon. It is a thrilling, breathtaking ride that gives you an amazing view. But a hot air balloon has no steering mechanism. You are completely at the mercy of the winds, and you have no control over where you will land. A healthy dose of pragmatism is the steering wheel, the engine, and the map. It allows you to take the beautiful energy of that romance and actually steer it toward a safe, desirable, and sustainable destination.
Stop ignoring the small, annoying habits in the beginning. Do realize they will be magnified by 1000 after 10 years.
The Tiny Drip
That small, annoying habit you notice in the beginning of a relationship is like a tiny, barely audible drip from a faucet. At first, it’s easy to ignore. You can tune it out. But after ten years of living in that house, that tiny drip will sound like a relentless, deafening drumbeat that is driving you insane. Do not underestimate the power of a small annoyance, amplified by the echo chamber of time. Pay attention to the drips.
Stop trying to be a “power couple” for social media. Do be a supportive partnership in private.
The Store Window Display
A “power couple” on social media is like the beautiful, perfectly arranged mannequin display in a fancy store window. It is designed to be admired, to create envy, and to sell a product. But it is also fake, lifeless, and cold. A real, supportive partnership is what happens in the messy, chaotic stockroom in the back. It is not glamorous or for public display. It is the real, gritty, and beautiful work of supporting each other, unpacking the boxes, and making sure the business can actually run.
The #1 secret for a relationship free of resentment is to learn how to ask for what you need directly.
The Secret Menu
Not telling your partner what you need and then getting angry when they don’t give it to you is like taking them to a restaurant, not letting them see the menu, and then getting furious when they don’t magically order your favorite dish. It’s an impossible test they can never pass. Asking for what you need directly is the simple, kind act of handing them the menu of your heart and politely pointing to the item you are hungry for. It replaces a secret, unwinnable test with a clear path to success.
I’m just going to say it: Your partner is not your therapist, and you shouldn’t treat them like one.
The Lifeguard vs. The Brain Surgeon
A supportive partner is a lifeguard. Their job is to be present, to watch over you, to throw you a life preserver if you’re struggling, and to help you get safely to the shore of your own emotions. But some of our problems are not about swimming; they are about neurosurgery. A therapist is a trained brain surgeon. Expecting your lifeguard partner to perform brain surgery is unfair, it is dangerous, and they are not qualified to do it.
The reason you’re so exhausted is because you’re carrying the “mental load” in your relationship.
The Air Traffic Controller
The “mental load” is the invisible, exhausting job of being the air traffic controller for your family. You are the one who is constantly scanning the radar, tracking all the moving planes (the appointments, the deadlines, the grocery lists), and worrying about potential collisions. Your partner might be a great pilot who is happy to fly a plane when you tell them to, but you are the one who is carrying the immense, stressful, and invisible burden of managing the entire airport.
If you’re still not asking for what you need, you’re losing your right to complain about not getting it.
The Silent Customer
Not asking for what you need is like being a customer in a restaurant who is served the wrong meal, and who then sits there in silent, fuming resentment, eating the wrong food and complaining about it in their head. You have not given the restaurant a chance to fix the problem. You lose your right to be angry about the bad service when you have not even told the waiter that they got your order wrong. You have to be willing to speak up.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about love is that if your partner really loved you, they would just “know” what you need.
The Mind Reader Myth
Expecting your partner to be a mind reader is like believing that if they truly loved you, they would be able to win a magic show. It is a fantasy. Your partner is not a psychic. Your needs, your thoughts, and your feelings are a complex, hidden world that is unique to you. The only way for them to understand that world is if you are willing to be their personal tour guide. You have to be vulnerable enough to invite them in and show them around.
I wish I knew that my partner wasn’t a mind reader when I was a newlywed.
The Locked Treasure Chest
When I was a newlywed, I had a treasure chest in my heart full of all my needs and desires, and I just assumed my husband had a magical, secret key to open it. I would get so frustrated and hurt when he couldn’t figure out the combination. I wish I had known that I was the only one who had the key. It was not his job to be a psychic locksmith; it was my job to be brave enough to open the chest myself and to share the treasures that were inside.
99% of people make this one mistake with their expectations: they are unspoken.
The Invisible Rulebook
Every person walks into a relationship with a massive, invisible rulebook in their head about how a partner “should” behave. The problem is, we never give our partner a copy of our rulebook. We just get angry and disappointed when they inevitably break a rule they had no idea existed. A healthy relationship requires you to make your invisible rulebook visible. You have to be willing to sit down together and create a new, shared rulebook that you can both agree to play by.
This one small habit of clearly and kindly stating your expectations will change your relationship forever.
The GPS Destination
Stating your expectations clearly is like typing a specific destination into your GPS before you start a road trip. It gives you and your partner a clear, shared goal that you can both navigate toward. An unspoken expectation is like getting in the car and just hoping that your partner will magically drive to the secret destination you have in your mind. This will only lead to frustration and a lot of wrong turns. Be clear about where you want to go.
Use a logical, business-like approach to solving household problems, not just an emotional one.
The Board Meeting
Household problems, like a chronically messy kitchen, can become a hotbed of emotional arguments. A better approach is to treat it like a problem in a small business. You and your partner should schedule a “board meeting.” You sit down at the table, not as emotional spouses, but as two logical co-owners. You look at the data, you brainstorm solutions, you assign clear roles, and you create a new system. By taking the emotion out of it, you can solve the problem like the two smart CEOs you are.
Stop thinking that love can conquer all obstacles. Do realize that some fundamental incompatibilities are insurmountable.
The Two Different Plants
Love is the sunshine and the water that can help a plant grow. But if you are trying to grow a cactus that needs a dry, desert climate, and your partner is a fern that needs a humid, tropical rainforest, no amount of love and sunshine will make you compatible. You have fundamentally different, non-negotiable needs. You cannot change your basic nature. Love cannot conquer a fundamental incompatibility of environment.
Stop trying to “save” someone. Do realize that you can only save yourself.
The Drowning Swimmer
Trying to “save” a partner who is not ready to be saved is like being a lifeguard who jumps into the water to rescue a panicking, drowning swimmer. In their chaos, they will not see you as a savior; they will see you as something to climb on. They will pull you under, and you will both drown. You cannot save someone who is not willing to do the hard work of learning to swim themselves. The only person you can truly save is the one who is willing to take your hand.
The #1 secret for a relationship based on reality is to fall in love with your partner’s flaws, not just their strengths.
The Kintsugi Bowl
In the Japanese art of Kintsugi, a broken ceramic bowl is repaired with gold lacquer. The philosophy is that the bowl is more beautiful for having been broken, and the cracks are a celebrated part of its history. A real relationship is like a Kintsugi bowl. You must not just tolerate your partner’s flaws and cracks; you must learn to see them as the golden seams that make them a unique, beautiful, and real work of art. The perfection is in the imperfection.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably staying in your relationship out of comfort and fear, not love.
The Old, Uncomfortable Chair
A bad but comfortable relationship is like a very old, familiar, and lumpy armchair. You’ve been sitting in it for years. You know all of its uncomfortable spots, and you’ve learned how to contort your body to avoid them. It is not a good chair, but it is your chair. The idea of getting up and having to find a new chair is terrifying. You are not staying in the chair because you love it; you are staying because the familiar discomfort of the old chair feels safer than the terrifying uncertainty of the furniture store.
The reason you’re not leaving a bad relationship is because your fear of the unknown is greater than your current pain.
The Known Devil
There is an old saying: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” This is the core logic that keeps people in bad relationships. The current, daily pain of your relationship is the “devil you know.” It is predictable and you have learned how to cope with it. The vast, uncertain world of being single is the “devil you don’t know.” It is terrifying. You will not leave until the pain of staying in the fire finally becomes greater than your fear of what might be waiting for you outside of it.
If you’re still making excuses for your partner’s disrespectful behavior, you’re losing your self-respect.
The Leaky Bucket
Your self-respect is a bucket that is meant to be full of clean, life-giving water. Every time your partner is disrespectful, it is like a small hole has been poked in that bucket. But every time you make an excuse for their behavior, you are the one who is taking a knife and making that hole even bigger. You are actively participating in the draining of your own self-worth. You have to stop making the holes bigger and start patching your own bucket.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about toxic relationships is that you can fix them if you just love the person enough.
The Broken Thermostat
Trying to fix a toxic person with your love is like trying to heat a freezing cold house with a broken thermostat by just turning the dial up higher and higher. You can pour all of your energy, all of your warmth, and all of your effort into turning that dial, but the thermostat is fundamentally broken. It is not capable of receiving your heat and regulating the temperature. The problem is not the amount of love you are giving; the problem is the broken mechanism you are giving it to.
I wish I knew that a “trauma bond” can feel like intense love but is actually a destructive addiction when I was younger.
The Rollercoaster
A trauma bond is a rollercoaster of intense highs and terrifying lows. The moments of kindness and affection are the thrilling peak of the ride, and the inevitable return of the abuse is the stomach-churning drop. This cycle creates a powerful, addictive chemical rush. It can feel like the most intense love you have ever experienced. But it is not love. It is the addictive, physiological thrill of the ride itself. A healthy, loving relationship is not a rollercoaster; it is the calm, beautiful, and steady ground you can finally step onto when the ride is over.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are in a good relationship: they stop being grateful for it.
The Air You Breathe
A good, stable, and loving relationship can become like the air you breathe. It is essential for your life, it is all around you, and it sustains you. And because of that, you completely stop noticing it. You take it for granted. You only notice the air when you are suddenly choking. Gratitude is the conscious, daily practice of stopping, taking a deep, intentional breath, and being amazed and thankful for the clean, life-giving air that is your relationship.
This one small action of appreciating your partner on a bad day will change your perspective forever.
The Lighthouse in the Storm
On a good day, your partner is a beautiful boat, sailing alongside you on a calm, sunny sea. It’s easy to appreciate them then. But on a bad day, when they are grumpy or struggling, their boat is being tossed around in a dark and stormy sea. Appreciating them on that day—for their strength, for their resilience, for just staying afloat—is like being the steady, unwavering lighthouse on the shore. Your light of appreciation is the beacon that can guide them safely back to harbor.
Use a little bit of healthy conflict to keep things interesting, not avoiding it at all costs.
The Oysters and the Pearl
A relationship with no conflict is like an oyster that never gets a grain of sand inside its shell. It might be a placid and undisturbed existence, but it will never create a pearl. A healthy conflict is that irritating grain of sand. The process of smoothing it over, of communicating and compromising, is what creates the beautiful, iridescent, and valuable pearl of a deeper intimacy and understanding. Do not be afraid of the sand; it is the source of the pearl.
Stop striving for constant happiness in your relationship. Do embrace the full spectrum of emotions as part of a rich life together.
The Bland Diet
A relationship that is only ever “happy” is like a diet that consists of only plain, white bread. It is predictable, it is easy, and it is completely bland and unsatisfying. A rich, fulfilling, and nourishing life together is a feast with a full spectrum of flavors. It has the sweetness of joy, the saltiness of tears, the bitterness of grief, and the spiciness of passion. Do not settle for a diet of only white bread; embrace the entire, delicious feast.
Stop thinking that a good relationship is always easy. Do understand that the hard times can forge a deeper bond.
The Two Trees in the Wind
Two trees that are planted in a calm, protected greenhouse will grow, but their roots will be shallow. Two trees that are planted on a windy hill will have to struggle. They will be forced to grow deep, intertwined, and powerful roots to keep from blowing over. The hard times in a relationship are that wind. They are not a sign that your trees are failing; they are the very force that is making you grow the deep, resilient, and interconnected root system that will allow you to withstand any storm, together.
The #1 secret for a resilient relationship is having a short memory for disagreements.
The Etch A Sketch
Holding onto a grudge after a disagreement is like refusing to shake an Etch A Sketch after you’ve made a messy drawing. You are just carrying around that ugly, tangled scribble, and it is ruining the canvas for any new, beautiful drawings you might want to make. A resilient couple knows how to have a disagreement, and then, once it is resolved, to give the Etch A Sketch of their relationship a vigorous shake. They create a clean, fresh slate, ready for a new day.
I’m just going to say it: Your relationship probably doesn’t look as good in real life as it does on Instagram.
The Highlight Reel
Your Instagram feed is the highlight reel of your relationship movie. It is a carefully curated collection of all the best scenes, the most beautiful shots, and the happiest moments, all set to the perfect music. But the highlight reel is not the movie. The real, feature-length film of your relationship also includes all the boring scenes, the awkward dialogue, the continuity errors, and the parts that ended up on the cutting room floor. No one’s real movie looks like their trailer.
The reason you’re so focused on the image of your relationship is because you’re avoiding the reality of it.
The Polished Storefront
If a business is failing on the inside, the owner will often spend all their time and energy making the storefront window look absolutely perfect. They will polish the glass, arrange the mannequins, and create a beautiful display of success. This is a distraction. They are hoping that if the outside looks good enough, they won’t have to deal with the messy, failing inventory and the unhappy employees on the inside. An obsession with image is often a sign of a deep, internal problem.
If you’re still not being honest with yourself about your relationship’s problems, you’re losing the chance to fix them.
The Patient in Denial
A relationship problem is like a strange, new pain in your body. If you are honest with yourself and your doctor about the pain, you have a very good chance of diagnosing the problem and finding a cure. But if you lie to yourself, if you pretend the pain doesn’t exist and you just hope it will go away on its own, you are allowing the underlying disease to grow and metastasize, until it is possibly too late to fix. Honesty is the first and most critical step of any diagnosis.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about relationships is what you see in movies; they leave out the boring, difficult, and beautiful reality.
The Two-Hour Montage
A movie relationship is a two-hour montage of the most exciting parts of a life. It shows the “meet-cute,” the first kiss, the dramatic conflict, and the romantic resolution. It completely edits out the thousands of hours of boring, mundane, and beautiful reality—the silent breakfasts, the shared chores, the comfortable, wordless companionship on the couch. A real relationship is not a montage; it is the full, unedited, feature-length film, with all of its quiet, beautiful, and non-dramatic moments.
I wish I knew that a real partnership was more satisfying than a fairytale romance when I was a young woman.
The Fairytale Castle vs. The Real House
A fairytale romance is like a beautiful, magical castle in the clouds. It is enchanting, it is perfect, and it is completely unreal. You cannot actually live there. A real partnership is a sturdy, comfortable, and sometimes messy house that you build together, brick by brick, on the solid ground of reality. It might not have magical turrets, but it has a warm fireplace, a comfortable bed, and it is a real, solid shelter that can keep you safe and warm through the storms of a real life.
99% of couples make this one mistake when they get engaged: they spend more time and money planning the wedding than planning the marriage.
The Launch Party vs. The Business Plan
A wedding is the spectacular, one-day launch party for the new company of your marriage. An engagement is the crucial, year-long period where you should be in the boardroom with your co-founder, hammering out the solid, detailed, and realistic business plan for how you are going to make that company succeed for the next fifty years. Most couples spend all their time planning the party, and they walk into their new company on the first day with no business plan at all.
This one small habit of investing in pre-marital counseling will give you a better ROI than any wedding expense.
The Foundation Inspection
You can spend a fortune on the beautiful, expensive decorations for your new house—the flowers, the caterer, the band. But if the concrete foundation of that house is cracked, the whole structure will eventually crumble, and all that money will be wasted. Pre-marital counseling is the professional foundation inspection. It is the single, most important investment you can make to ensure that the beautiful structure you are about to build will actually last a lifetime.
Use a little bit of healthy distance to create longing, not constant togetherness that leads to suffocation.
The Fire and the Air
Passion in a relationship is a fire. For a fire to burn brightly, it needs two things: fuel (your connection) and air (your separateness). Constant togetherness is like trying to keep a fire burning in a sealed, airless jar. You are smothering it. You are depriving it of the oxygen of mystery and longing that it needs to breathe. A little bit of healthy distance is the act of opening the lid of the jar and allowing the essential, life-giving air to rush in and turn the embers back into a flame.