This is the real reason you’re still perceived as unconfident even though you’re trying to be: your posture is slouched.
The Message My Shoulders Were Sending
I was trying so hard to be more confident at work. I spoke up in meetings and shared my ideas, but I still felt like people didn’t see me as a leader. A mentor finally gave me some blunt feedback. “Your words say ‘confidence’,” he told me, “but your body screams ‘insecurity’.” I hadn’t realized that while I was talking, I was hunched over the table, my shoulders slumped forward. My posture was completely undermining my message. I learned that before you can convince anyone else you’re confident, you have to convince your own body first.
This is the real reason people still don’t take you seriously even though you have good ideas: you speak too quickly and with a high-pitched voice.
The Voice That Betrayed My Authority
I was presenting a project I was passionate about, but I could see my audience disengaging. I knew the content was good, so I couldn’t figure it out. I recorded myself practicing later and was horrified. I was speaking at a mile a minute, and my voice was high and tight from nerves. I sounded like a frantic kid, not a competent professional. I started practicing speaking slowly, deliberately, and from my chest. The next time I presented, my calm, deeper voice commanded the room’s attention before I even got to my main point.
This is the real reason you’re still awkward in conversations even though you try to talk more: you’re not actively listening.
The Conversation I Dominated and Still Lost
I used to think being a good conversationalist meant I had to be witty and talkative. I’d dominate conversations, jumping in with my own stories and opinions. But my interactions always felt shallow and awkward. I finally tried a different approach. I decided to just shut up and listen. I asked the other person questions and gave them my full attention. At the end of our chat, they said, “That was such a great conversation!” I had barely spoken, but by making them feel heard, I had created a genuine connection.
This is the real reason you still come across as nervous even though you feel okay: you’re fidgeting and avoiding eye contact.
The Tics That Were Broadcasting My Anxiety
I thought I was hiding my nerves pretty well during a big presentation. I felt calm on the inside. But the feedback I got afterward was that I looked “extremely nervous.” I watched a video of the presentation and saw it immediately. My eyes were darting all over the room, and I was constantly clicking my pen. My body was having a separate, much more anxious conversation than my mouth was. I learned that my small, unconscious habits were screaming my insecurities to the world, even when I thought I had them under control.
This is the real reason you still don’t feel powerful even though you’re “faking it till you make it”: you haven’t built real-world competence.
The Empty Suit of Confidence
I tried the “fake it ’til you make it” mantra. I wore a power suit, stood up straight, and repeated affirmations. But deep down, I still felt like an imposter because I knew I didn’t have the skills to back it up. The real shift happened when I stopped trying to fake the feeling and started building the foundation. I took a course, read the books, and put in the hours to become genuinely good at my job. True, unshakable confidence doesn’t come from faking it; it comes from knowing you’ve done the work.
This is the real reason people seem uncomfortable around you even though you’re being friendly: you’re invading their personal space.
The Close Talker Who Didn’t Know It
I’ve always been a friendly, outgoing person, but I noticed that sometimes when I was talking to new people, they would subtly lean or step away from me. I couldn’t figure out why. A friend finally pulled me aside. “Dude,” he said kindly, “you’re a close talker.” I had no idea that my natural conversational distance was inside most people’s personal bubble. It was making them uncomfortable, regardless of how friendly my words were. I learned to take one small step back, and my interactions instantly became more relaxed.
This is the real reason your handshake is still weak even though you’re trying to be firm: you’re not making eye contact and smiling with it.
The Disconnected Handshake
I practiced my handshake, focusing on a firm grip. But I was still getting a lukewarm response during interviews. I realized I was focusing so much on the pressure of my hand that I was neglecting the rest of the interaction. I was looking down at our hands, not at the person. A great handshake is a full-body expression. It’s a firm grip combined with direct eye contact and a genuine, warm smile. The hand is just the physical component; the eyes and face are what create the actual connection.
This is the real reason you still seem unapproachable even though you want to be social: your default facial expression is a scowl.
My Resting “Don’t Talk to Me” Face
I wanted to be more social and meet new people at work events, but no one ever seemed to approach me. I felt invisible. I complained to a friend, and she took a candid photo of me from across the room. I was shocked. I thought I looked neutral, but my default “thinking” face was actually an intimidating scowl. I looked angry and annoyed. I had no idea that my resting face was sending out a powerful “stay away” signal. I started practicing a more relaxed, neutral default expression, and it made all the difference.
This is the real reason you still lack “presence” even though you’re in the room: you’re stuck in your head instead of being present.
The Man Who Was Never Really There
I was physically present at meetings and social gatherings, but I was never really there. I was constantly stuck in my own head, worrying about what to say next, replaying past conversations, or thinking about my to-do list. My body was in the room, but my mind was a million miles away. People could feel it. I learned that true “presence” is a rare gift. It’s the ability to put your phone away, clear your mind, and give the person in front of you your complete, undivided attention.
This is the real reason you’re still not respected even though you’re nice: you’re too agreeable and don’t hold your own frame.
The “Nice Guy” Who Finished Last
I used to be the ultimate “nice guy.” I agreed with everyone, laughed at every joke, and went out of my way to avoid any sort of conflict. I thought this would make people like me. In reality, it made them walk all over me. I wasn’t respected because I had no backbone. I learned that being respected isn’t about being nice; it’s about having your own principles and opinions and being willing to stand by them, even if it’s not the popular thing to do.