Use self-awareness to understand your triggers, not blaming your partner for your reactions.
The Landmine in Your Yard
For years, when my partner said something that caused a huge emotional reaction in me, I would blame them. It was like they had planted a bomb in our relationship. But I’ve learned that my triggers are not bombs my partner plants; they are old, buried landmines in my own yard from my childhood and past experiences. My partner doesn’t even know they’re there; they just accidentally step on one while walking. My job isn’t to yell at them for walking in the grass. My job is to become a self-aware de-miner, finding and safely disarming my own explosives.
Stop trying to change your partner. Do focus on becoming the kind of person you want to be with.
The Human Magnet
I used to be a sculptor, constantly trying to chisel my partner into my ideal statue. I’d chip away at their habits and sand down their personality, but it only created resentment and dust. It was exhausting. I finally realized I was going about it all wrong. My new job is not to be a sculptor, but to be a magnet. I focus all my energy on myself, on cultivating the qualities I want in a partner—kindness, integrity, passion. By becoming a powerful magnet of those things, I naturally attract a person who resonates with that same beautiful energy.
Stop losing your identity in your relationship. Do maintain your own hobbies, friendships, and sense of self.
The Two Pillars of the Arch
I used to believe a great relationship was about two people merging into one, like two vines twisting so tightly they become an inseparable mass. But two weak vines can’t hold anything up. A strong, beautiful partnership is like a classic Roman arch. It’s held up by two strong, separate, and independent pillars. Each pillar must be whole and stable on its own. The beauty of the arch is not just the pillars, but the magnificent space in between them that they create together. You have to be your own pillar first.
The #1 secret for personal growth within a relationship is to see your partner’s feedback as a data point, not a judgment.
The Helpful Mirror
When my partner gives me feedback, my first instinct is to get defensive. It feels like a personal attack. It’s like looking in a mirror, seeing something you don’t like, and then getting angry at the mirror as if it created the flaw. But the mirror isn’t judging you; it is just reflecting what is there. I’ve learned to see my partner as a helpful mirror that can show me my own blind spots. Their feedback is not a judgment on my character; it is a valuable data point I can use to grow.
I’m just going to say it: Your relationship is a perfect mirror, reflecting all your unresolved issues back at you.
The Unflattering Reflection
I spent years annoyed by what I saw as my partner’s flaws. But a relationship is the most honest, and often unflattering, mirror you will ever find. The things that trigger the biggest emotional reactions in me are rarely about my partner; they are perfect reflections of my own unhealed wounds. Their need for space doesn’t create my fear of abandonment; it reveals it. Their messiness doesn’t create my fear of chaos; it exposes it. The relationship isn’t the source of my issues; it is a diagnostic tool that shows me exactly where I still need to heal.
The reason your relationships keep failing in the same way is because you’re the common denominator.
The Gardener and the Weeds
If you plant a garden and it fails, you might blame the soil. If you plant a second garden in a new spot and it also fails, you might blame the weather. But if you plant ten different gardens in ten different locations with ten different types of seeds and they all fail in the exact same way—they get overrun by the same type of weed—you have to stop blaming the external conditions and realize the truth: you are the one carrying the seeds for that weed in your pocket and planting them everywhere you go.
If you’re still expecting your partner to be your sole source of happiness, you’re losing your own power.
The Sun in Your Sky
When you make your partner the sun—the single, solitary source of all light and warmth in your personal universe—you give them a terrifying and impossible amount of power. Your entire emotional weather now depends on their mood. You have made yourself a cold, dark planet that can only be happy when they shine on you. True power is learning how to be your own sun, to generate your own warmth and light from within. A partner can then be a beautiful moon that reflects your light, not a star you depend on for survival.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about relationships is that they should complete you; they should complement you.
The Two Halves vs. The Two Wholes
The idea that you are a “half” looking for your “other half” sounds romantic, but it means you are an incomplete person entering a relationship. It’s a recipe for codependency. A healthy partnership is not about two halves finding each other to create one whole. It is about two whole, complete, and happy circles that decide to overlap and create something beautiful together. The goal is to become a full circle on your own first, so you can bring your wholeness, not your emptiness, to the relationship.
I wish I knew that my own healing was my responsibility, not my partner’s, when I was in my first serious relationship.
The Medic in the Foxhole
I used to think that a loving partner was supposed to be the medic who would crawl into the foxhole of my past trauma, fix my wounds, and carry me to safety. I put the responsibility for my healing on their shoulders. But that is not a partner’s job; it is the job of a therapist and of my own hard work. A good partner is not the medic. They are the loyal soldier in the foxhole with you, who will support you, protect you, and cheer you on while you learn to be your own medic.
99% of people make this one mistake when they get into a relationship: they abandon the habits and routines that made them happy when they were single.
The Bait and Switch
When we’re single, we often cultivate a beautiful garden of habits that make us interesting and happy—our hobbies, our friendships, our fitness routines. This vibrant garden is what makes us attractive in the first place. But the moment we get into a relationship, we often abandon our garden to go live in our partner’s. It’s a subconscious bait and switch. You showed them a lush, thriving landscape, but then you stopped tending to it. You have to keep watering your own garden, even when you have someone to share it with.
This one small habit of scheduling intentional time alone will change the way you show up in your relationship forever.
The Empty Pitcher
When you spend all your time and energy pouring yourself into your relationship, your job, and your family, your own pitcher becomes completely empty. When your partner comes to you needing a drink of your love and attention, you have nothing left to give but dust and resentment. Scheduling intentional, unapologetic time alone is not selfish. It is the essential act of taking your pitcher to the well and refilling it. Only when your own pitcher is full can you give generously to others without running dry.
Use your relationship as a catalyst for growth, not as a comfortable hiding place.
The Cocoon vs. The Greenhouse
A relationship can be a warm, comfortable cocoon where you hide from the scary world, avoiding all challenges and staying exactly the same. It feels safe, but nothing ever grows in a cocoon. A healthy relationship is a greenhouse. It is also a safe and protected environment, but its entire purpose is to provide the perfect conditions for growth. It is a place where you are encouraged to stretch, to reach for the light, and to blossom into a more vibrant version of yourself. Don’t hide in a cocoon; grow in a greenhouse.
Stop making your partner responsible for regulating your emotions. Do learn to self-soothe.
The Human Pacifier
When you rely on your partner to calm you down every time you are anxious, angry, or sad, you are treating them like a human pacifier. You are using them as an external tool to manage your own internal state. But you are not an infant. A core skill of emotional maturity is learning to self-soothe. It’s about developing your own internal tools—like deep breathing, mindfulness, or positive self-talk—to regulate your own nervous system. Your partner can be a comfort, but they cannot be your only coping mechanism.
Stop bringing your childhood baggage into your adult relationships. Do seek therapy to unpack it.
The Overstuffed Suitcase
Entering a new relationship without dealing with your past is like showing up for a beautiful vacation with a massive, overstuffed suitcase full of all the junk from your childhood home. You can’t move freely, it gets in the way of everything, and eventually, it’s going to burst open at an inconvenient time, spilling all your old, messy baggage onto the floor. Therapy is the process of going home, opening that suitcase, and thoughtfully unpacking it, deciding what to keep and what to throw away, so you can finally travel lightly.
The #1 hack for breaking a negative relationship pattern is to identify the unmet childhood need that’s driving it.
The Hungry Ghost
Recurring negative patterns in our relationships are often driven by the hungry ghost of an unmet childhood need. That little kid inside you who never felt truly seen, safe, or important is still starving. As an adult, you subconsciously look for partners who will either finally feed that ghost or who will replicate the original neglect. The pattern will not break until you, the adult, turn around, see that hungry child within you, and learn to give it the love, safety, and attention it has always been starving for.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably re-enacting your relationship with one of your parents with your current partner.
The Old Play
Our first experience of love is with our parents, and that dynamic becomes the first play we ever learn. As adults, we often unconsciously cast our romantic partners in the same role our parent played, and we start acting out the same old script. We are trying to finally get the love we wanted, or we are trying to fix the original broken story. You will keep performing that same, frustrating play over and over again until you have the self-awareness to realize you are the director, and you have the power to write a brand new script.
The reason you’re so anxious in your relationship is because you haven’t developed a secure attachment style within yourself.
The Wobbly Chair
Anxious attachment is like trying to live your life while sitting on a chair with one wobbly, unstable leg. You are constantly on edge, terrified that the slightest movement from your partner will cause the entire chair to collapse, sending you crashing to the floor. Developing a secure attachment within yourself is the process of learning how to fix that wobbly leg. It’s about building your own internal stability, so that you can sit comfortably and securely, knowing that even if your partner shifts their weight, your chair will not collapse.
If you’re still looking for external validation from your partner, you’re losing your self-worth.
The Empty Bucket
When your self-worth is low, it’s like you are carrying around an empty bucket with a hole in the bottom. You are constantly asking your partner to pour their water of validation into your bucket, and for a moment, it feels good. But because of the hole, it quickly leaks out, and you are left empty and needing more. True self-worth is the act of patching that hole yourself. When your bucket can hold its own water, the validation you get from your partner is no longer a desperate necessity; it’s just a beautiful, bonus overflow.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about self-love is that it’s selfish; it’s actually the foundation for loving others well.
The Oxygen Mask on the Airplane
The flight attendant’s instruction is clear: in an emergency, you must put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is not selfish; it is essential. If you run out of oxygen, you will be useless to everyone around you. Self-love is that oxygen mask. Tending to your own needs, filling your own cup, and being kind to yourself is the non-negotiable first step. Only when you are breathing fully can you be a calm, present, and effective source of love and support for the people you care about.
I wish I knew that being a good partner started with being kind to myself when I was a young adult.
The Inner Critic as the Co-pilot
For years, I had a harsh, relentless inner critic sitting in the co-pilot’s seat of my life, constantly telling me I was a terrible pilot. This meant that whenever my romantic partner offered even the slightest bit of feedback, my inner critic would scream, “See! I told you so! You’re a failure!” and I would react defensively. Learning to be kind to myself was like firing that negative co-pilot and replacing them with a compassionate and supportive one. Only then could I hear my partner’s feedback without immediately crashing the plane.
99% of people make this one mistake when their partner gives them constructive criticism: they immediately get defensive instead of curious.
The Castle Under Siege
When we receive constructive criticism, our ego often perceives it as a full-scale attack. We immediately retreat into our defensive castle, pull up the drawbridge, and start firing back arrows of excuses and blame. We are in a state of war. A healthier approach is to meet the feedback with curiosity. Instead of raising the drawbridge, you lower it and invite the messenger inside. You act like a curious king, saying, “This is interesting information. Tell me more about what you are seeing from your vantage point outside my walls.”
This one small action of asking “How can I be a better partner to you?” will change your relationship dynamic forever.
The Custom-Made Key
We all spend so much time guessing what our partner wants, trying dozens of generic, store-bought keys to try and unlock their heart. Most of them don’t work. Asking, “How can I be a better partner to you?” is like asking a master locksmith, “Will you please describe to me the exact shape of the key that fits your unique lock?” It takes all the frustrating guesswork out of the equation. It is a humble, loving act that allows your partner to give you the exact blueprint for the custom-made key that will open their heart.
Use your partner’s feedback as a gift, not as a personal attack.
The Unwrapped Present
When your partner offers you feedback, it can feel like they are throwing a rock at you. Your instinct is to get angry and throw one back. But what if you saw that feedback not as a rock, but as a clumsily wrapped gift? The wrapping paper might be torn and the ribbon might be crooked (their delivery might be poor), but inside that clumsy wrapping is a valuable present: a piece of information that can help you become a better person and a better partner. Your job is to ignore the wrapping and graciously accept the gift.
Stop being a people-pleaser in your relationship. Do learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries.
The Garden with No Fence
Being a people-pleaser is like having a beautiful, lush garden with no fence and a giant sign that says “Come on in!” At first, it feels nice to be so welcoming. But soon, people are trampling your flowers, picking all your vegetables, and having parties in your yard at all hours. You become exhausted and resentful. Setting boundaries is the act of building a fence with a gate. It’s not about shutting people out; it’s about being able to consciously decide who you let into your beautiful garden and when.
Stop being afraid of being alone. Do cultivate a life you love, whether you’re in a relationship or not.
The Wonderful Party
Being afraid of being alone is like being a frantic host who is terrified that no guests will show up to their party. This desperation makes you try to force people to come, which just pushes them away. The solution is to focus on throwing such an amazing party—with great music, delicious food, and a joyful atmosphere—that you would have a fantastic time even if no one else showed up. When you cultivate a life you truly love on your own, you stop being a desperate host and become the life of a party that everyone wants to be invited to.
The #1 secret for a relationship where both partners grow is to actively support each other’s individual evolution.
The Two Gardeners
A relationship where both partners grow is like a community garden where you are each given your own plot of land. Your primary job is to tend to your own garden, to cultivate your own unique plants. But you are also a supportive fellow gardener. You cheer when their flowers bloom, you help them pull a stubborn weed, and you are inspired by the beautiful things they are growing. You are not competing; you are two gardeners, working side-by-side, creating a more beautiful and abundant space, together.
I’m just going to say it: Your relationship is only as healthy as you are.
The Two Leaky Buckets
A relationship is a container that is filled by the contributions of two people. If you are a leaky bucket, full of unresolved issues, anxieties, and resentments, then you are constantly leaking that negative energy into the shared container of your relationship. You can’t have a healthy relationship if one or both of the contributors are unhealthy. The health of the relationship is a direct reflection of the health of the individuals. If you want a better relationship, start by patching the leaks in your own bucket.
The reason you’re so jealous is because of your own insecurity, not your partner’s behavior.
The Wobbly Foundation
Jealousy is the emotional equivalent of the rattling and shaking you feel inside a house during a minor earthquake. A person with a strong, secure foundation of self-worth will barely notice the tremor. But a person whose house is built on the wobbly, insecure foundation of self-doubt will feel like the entire structure is about to collapse. The earthquake is not the problem. The problem is the faulty foundation that makes you feel so unstable and threatened by the slightest shake.
If you’re still comparing yourself to your partner’s exes, you’re losing your confidence.
The Ghost Race
Comparing yourself to your partner’s ex is like entering yourself into a race against a ghost. You are running on a track, trying to beat an opponent who isn’t even there. You are constantly looking over your shoulder, imagining how fast they are running, and exhausting yourself in a competition that exists only in your mind. The only way to win is to realize you are on the track alone. Stop running against a ghost from the past and start enjoying your own beautiful, solitary run in the present.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about personal growth is that you have to do it alone; a supportive partner can accelerate it.
The Rock Climber and the Belayer
Personal growth can feel like a scary, solo rock climb up a difficult cliff face. But a great partner is like your expert belayer at the bottom of that cliff. They are not climbing for you, and they are not telling you where to put your hands. But they are holding your safety rope. Their steady, supportive presence and their encouraging words give you the profound sense of security you need to let go, to reach for a difficult new hold, and to climb higher than you ever could have alone.
I wish I knew that my partner could be my biggest supporter in my personal growth journey when I was younger.
The Solo Hiker vs. The Expedition Team
I used to think that my personal growth was a solo hike that I had to complete on my own before I was “ready” for a relationship. I thought a partner would just slow me down. I wish I had known that the right partner isn’t a distraction; they are the co-leader of your expedition team. They can help you read the map, carry some of the weight, and encourage you when you want to give up. The journey of personal growth is much more joyful and successful when you have a trusted teammate by your side.
99% of couples make this one mistake with personal development: they do it separately and never share what they’re learning.
The Two Separate Libraries
When two partners work on their personal growth in isolation, it’s like they are each building a beautiful, private library in their own wing of the house. They are both collecting amazing books of wisdom, but they never talk about what they are reading. Over time, they start to live in two different intellectual and emotional worlds. To grow together, you have to open the doors to your libraries. You have to be excited to give your partner a tour of what you’re learning and to get a tour of theirs.
This one small habit of sharing one thing you’re learning about yourself with your partner each week will change your connection forever.
The Weekly Archeological Find
Self-discovery is like an archeological dig into the landscape of your own soul. Every week, you are digging and discovering new things. Sharing one of those discoveries with your partner is like inviting them into your dig site and showing them the fascinating, ancient artifact you just uncovered. It’s a vulnerable and exciting act that says, “Look at this incredible, hidden thing I just learned about my own history.” It transforms personal growth from a solo activity into a shared adventure of discovery.
Use your relationship to become a more compassionate person, not a more cynical one.
The Gym for Your Heart
Your relationship is a gym where you can exercise your heart. Every disagreement, every misunderstanding, every moment of friction is like a weight that you can lift. You can either struggle against the weight, become bitter and sore, and eventually quit the gym. Or, you can see each challenge as a new repetition, a new opportunity to strengthen the muscles of your compassion, your patience, and your empathy. A relationship’s challenges are not a sign that it’s failing; they are the workout that can make your heart stronger.
Stop letting your fear of abandonment control your behavior. Do work on building a secure attachment style.
The Leaky Boat
Having a deep fear of abandonment is like trying to navigate the ocean of a relationship in a small, leaky boat. You are constantly terrified of every wave, and you cling desperately to your partner, believing they are the only thing keeping you from drowning. This frantic, clinging energy just makes the boat more likely to capsize. Building a secure attachment is the hard work of patching the leaks in your own boat. When you know that your own vessel is seaworthy, you can enjoy the journey with your partner without the constant, desperate fear of sinking.
Stop making excuses for your bad behavior. Do take radical responsibility and commit to changing.
The Drunk Driver
Making excuses for your hurtful behavior is like a drunk driver who has just caused a crash saying, “It’s not my fault, the road was curvy and the other car was driving too slowly.” This deflects all blame and guarantees they will do it again. Taking radical responsibility is the driver saying, “I chose to drink and get behind the wheel. This crash is my fault. I will now go to rehab and do whatever it takes to ensure I am never a danger to others again.” One is a refusal to change; the other is the first step toward it.
The #1 hack for a relationship that supports your individual dreams is to be your partner’s biggest cheerleader.
The Front Row Fan
When your partner has a big dream, it’s like they are a nervous athlete, stepping out onto a huge field to play a difficult game. You have a choice. You can be the cynical critic in the stands, pointing out all the ways they might fail. Or, you can be their number one fan in the front row, wearing their jersey, holding a giant sign with their name on it, and cheering louder than anyone else. Your unwavering belief can be the fuel that helps them win their game.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably using your relationship as a distraction from your own unfulfilled potential.
The Comfortable Couch
Facing your own unfulfilled potential is terrifying. It’s like standing at the base of a massive, intimidating mountain you know you are meant to climb. A comfortable, easy relationship can become the cozy couch in the living room at the base of that mountain. It’s warm, it’s safe, and it’s a wonderful place to sit and watch movies, and to distract yourself from the scary fact that you are avoiding your climb. The relationship isn’t the problem, but you are using its comfort as an excuse not to start your ascent.
The reason you’re so controlling in your relationship is because you have a deep-seated fear of uncertainty.
The Anxious Pilot
A controlling partner is like an anxious pilot who is terrified of turbulence. Because they cannot control the weather outside the plane, they try to control everything inside it. They tell the passengers exactly where to sit, when to speak, and what to do, believing that this internal control will somehow protect them from the external uncertainty. But it doesn’t. It just makes all the passengers feel trapped and resentful. The only solution is for the pilot to accept that they cannot control the weather, and to learn to fly the plane in spite of the turbulence.
If you’re still trying to control your partner’s life, you’re losing their respect and love.
The Gardener and the Bonsai Tree
Trying to control your partner is like being a gardener who is obsessed with bonsai trees. You are constantly trimming, wiring, and forcing your partner into the small, perfect shape that you have decided is best. You might end up with a perfectly manicured, miniature version of the person they could have been, but you will have done so by stunting their natural growth. A real, magnificent tree will never thrive under those conditions, and a real, magnificent person will eventually have to break your wires to grow.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about change is that people can’t change; the truth is, they can, but only if they want to.
The Locked Door
A person’s core behavioral patterns are like a room that is locked from the inside. You can stand outside that door and beg them to come out. You can yell at them, you can slip encouraging notes under the door, you can even try to pick the lock. But they will only come out of that room when they, and they alone, decide to turn the handle and walk out. Change is possible, but it is an inside job. You cannot turn the lock for them.
I wish I knew how capable and resilient I was when I was in a toxic relationship that made me feel small.
The Caged Lion
A toxic relationship is a cage. It is designed to make you forget that you are a powerful, magnificent lion. The cage teaches you that you are small, weak, and dependent on the person who brings you your daily meal. It makes you forget the power of your own roar and the strength in your own legs. The moment you finally find the courage to break open that cage and step out into the sun, you will be shocked and amazed to rediscover the powerful, resilient, and magnificent creature you have been all along.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are in a healthy relationship after a toxic one: they look for problems that aren’t there.
The Soldier After the War
When you come out of the battlefield of a toxic relationship, your nervous system is still on high alert. You are like a soldier who is still scanning for snipers and listening for explosions, even though the war is over. When you enter a healthy, peaceful relationship, the calm can feel unsettling. You are so used to the chaos that you start to subconsciously look for it, to invent it, because the peace feels unfamiliar and unsafe. You have to consciously teach yourself that the war is over, and that you are finally safe.
This one small action of practicing self-compassion when you make a mistake will change how you treat your partner forever.
The Two Gardens
Imagine you have two gardens: your own, and your partner’s. If you are a harsh, unforgiving gardener to yourself, constantly berating your own garden for every single weed, then that is the only way you will know how to garden. When you look at your partner’s garden, you will inevitably use the same harsh, critical tools. Practicing self-compassion is like learning a new, gentle way of gardening in your own plot. Once you have mastered the art of treating your own weeds with kindness, you will naturally bring that same gentle hand to your partner’s garden.
Use your relationship to practice patience and forgiveness, not to hold grudges.
The Gym Membership for Your Soul
A relationship is a gym membership for your soul. Every time your partner does something that annoys you, it is like a ten-pound weight has been placed in your hand. You can either use that weight to do a repetition and strengthen your patience muscle, or you can drop it on your foot and curse. Every time they hurt your feelings, it is an opportunity to do a set of forgiveness exercises. You can either use the challenges to become spiritually stronger, or you can complain about how heavy the weights are.
Stop letting your ego ruin your relationship. Do practice humility and be willing to be wrong.
The Captain of the Sinking Ship
Your ego is the proud, stubborn captain of a ship who has just hit an iceberg. Humility is the first mate who says, “Captain, we are taking on water, and we need to change course immediately.” The ego-driven captain will yell, “Nonsense! I am the captain, I am never wrong! Full speed ahead!” and will sink the entire ship. A humble captain will listen to their first mate, admit their mistake, and do what is necessary to save the ship and its crew. Your ego will sink your relationship if you let it stay in charge.
Stop being a victim of your circumstances. Do take ownership of your life and your choices.
The Driver’s Seat
Living with a victim mindset is like sitting in the passenger seat of your own car, complaining about the driver, the traffic, and the destination. You feel completely powerless. Taking ownership of your life is the act of realizing that you are in the wrong seat. You have to unbuckle, get out of the car, walk around to the driver’s side, and get behind the wheel. The traffic and the weather might still be out of your control, but you are the one who is steering, and you are the one who gets to choose the destination.
The #1 secret for a relationship that brings out the best in both of you is mutual admiration.
The Two Mirrors
A relationship without admiration is like living in a house of mirrors that only reflect your flaws. You are constantly seeing the worst in each other, and it makes you both feel small. A relationship with mutual admiration is like living in a house of mirrors that are angled to reflect your best and most beautiful features. Your partner’s admiring gaze acts as a mirror that reflects your own strength, beauty, and potential back at you, inspiring you to become the magnificent person they already see.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as easy to be in a relationship with as you think you are.
The Person Singing with Headphones On
We all tend to think of ourselves as pretty easy-going partners. We are like a person singing their favorite song at the top of their lungs while wearing noise-canceling headphones. In our own head, we sound amazing, like a professional singer. We are hitting all the notes perfectly. It is only when we take the headphones off and hear the recording of our actual voice—or when we have the courage to ask our partner for their honest feedback—that we realize how jarring and off-key we can sometimes sound to the people who have to listen to us.
The reason you’re not getting the love you want is because you’re not giving the love you’re capable of.
The Blocked Spring
Your capacity to give love is like a natural, underground spring, full of fresh, clean water. If you are not getting the love you want, it is often because you have unknowingly placed a large, heavy boulder of your own fear, resentment, or selfishness directly on top of your spring. You are blocking your own flow. The love from others cannot get in, and your own love cannot get out. The work is not to demand water from others, but to do the hard, personal work of rolling the heavy boulder off of your own heart.
If you’re still waiting for your partner to change, you’re losing precious time you could be using to change yourself.
The Two Gardeners
Waiting for your partner to change is like sitting on a lawn chair in your own weedy, neglected garden, staring over the fence at your neighbor’s garden and yelling instructions at them about how they should be pulling their weeds. You are wasting all of your precious time and energy focusing on a garden that you have absolutely no control over. The only way to guarantee a more beautiful view is to get out of your chair, turn your back to the fence, and start tending to the one and only garden you can actually cultivate: your own.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about happiness is that another person can give it to you.
The Empty Cup
Expecting another person to make you happy is like showing up to a restaurant with a perpetually empty cup and demanding that your partner fill it for you. They can pour all of their water into your cup, but if you don’t know how to find your own well, you will always be thirsty. Happiness is not a drink that someone else serves you. It is the well of your own purpose, passion, and gratitude that you must dig for yourself. A partner can celebrate your full cup, but they cannot be your only source of water.
I wish I knew that the most important relationship I would ever have was the one with myself when I was a teenager.
The Foundation of the House
I spent my youth obsessing over the different houses I might one day live in—the houses of my future romantic relationships. I was focused on the decorations, the paint colors, and the architecture. I wish I had known that the relationship with myself was not just another house; it was the concrete foundation upon which every single house I would ever live in would be built. If that foundation is cracked and unstable, every relationship built on top of it will eventually crumble. I should have been focused on pouring a solid foundation first.
99% of people make this one mistake with their personal boundaries: they don’t communicate them until they’ve been violated.
The Invisible Electric Fence
Not communicating your boundaries upfront is like installing an invisible electric fence around your property and then getting furious at your partner when they accidentally bump into it and get shocked. It’s not fair. You have to do the work of making the invisible, visible. You have to walk your partner around the property, point out the exact location of the fence, and explain what will happen if they touch it. Clear, kind, and proactive communication is the only way to keep everyone safe and respected.
This one small habit of a daily mindfulness practice will change your reactivity in your relationship forever.
The Shaken Snow Globe
An unmanaged mind is like a snow globe that is constantly being shaken by the stresses of the day. When your partner says something, you can’t see them clearly through the chaotic blizzard of your own thoughts, and you react defensively. A daily mindfulness practice is the act of setting the snow globe down and allowing the snow to gently settle. It doesn’t get rid of the snow, but it creates a space of calm clarity between a trigger and your response, allowing you to act with intention instead of reacting from within the blizzard.
Use your relationship as a safe space to be your authentic self, not to perform a role.
The Stage vs. The Dressing Room
Many of us treat our relationships like a long-running play where we are constantly on stage, performing the role of the “perfect partner.” It is exhausting to wear a costume and recite lines all day. A healthy relationship should feel less like the stage and more like the private, comfortable dressing room. It should be the one place in the world where you can finally take off the heavy costume, wipe off the makeup, and be your messy, tired, authentic self, knowing you will be loved for who you are, not for the role you play.
Stop letting your past relationships define your present one. Do learn from your past, but don’t live in it.
The Rearview Mirror
Your past relationships are the rearview mirror of your car. It is smart and necessary to glance at that mirror occasionally to learn from where you have been and to inform the decisions you are making now. But if you spend all your time staring intently into the rearview mirror, you are going to crash. You cannot safely navigate the beautiful, open road in front of you if you are obsessed with the landscape behind you. Learn from the past, but keep your eyes on the windshield of the present.
Stop being so hard on yourself for relationship mistakes. Do see them as learning opportunities.
The Scientist in the Lab
A scientist who is trying to invent a new medicine does not see a failed experiment as a personal failure. They see it as a valuable data point. The failed experiment gives them crucial information about what not to do next time, bringing them one step closer to a breakthrough. Your relationship mistakes are not moral failings; they are failed experiments. You have to be willing to put on your lab coat, look at the data of your mistakes with curiosity, and use that valuable information to create a better formula for your next attempt.
The #1 hack for a relationship based on mutual respect is to never, ever speak condescendingly to each other.
The Poison Dart
A condescending tone of voice is a poison dart. The actual words you are saying might be harmless, but the tone is a dart tipped with the poison of disrespect. It communicates a hidden, toxic message: “I am smarter than you, I am better than you, and your thoughts are childish.” This poison, administered over time in small doses, will slowly and surely kill the respect in a relationship. To keep your relationship healthy, you must agree that this specific type of weapon is banned from your home forever.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably bringing your work stress home and unconsciously taking it out on your partner.
The Muddy Boots
Bringing your work stress home is like walking through a muddy field all day and then walking directly into your clean house without taking off your boots. You might not be intentionally trying to make a mess, but you are tracking the mud of your stress and frustration all over the clean floors of your relationship. You have to create a ritual of taking off your muddy boots at the door—a short walk, a few minutes of music—so you can enter your home with clean feet, ready to connect.
The reason you’re so unhappy in your relationship is because you’ve neglected your own fundamental needs.
The Dehydrated Plant
When a plant starts to wilt and turn brown, a bad gardener might blame the pot or the sunlight. But a good gardener knows the first thing to check is the water. Your own fundamental needs—for sleep, for solitude, for friendship, for purpose—are your water. If you are not consistently watering yourself, you will begin to wilt. You will be unhappy, and you will likely blame your pot (your relationship) instead of the real cause: your own dehydration.
If you’re still not pursuing your own passions, you’re losing a vital part of yourself that your partner fell in love with.
The Extinguished Fire
When your partner first met you, you likely had a vibrant fire of your own passions and interests burning inside you. This fire is what created your unique, attractive light. If you have stopped tending to that fire, if you have let it burn down to dull embers because you are too focused on the relationship, you have lost a core part of what made you, you. Your partner didn’t fall in love with the embers; they fell in love with the person who was passionately tending to a brilliant fire.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about independence in a relationship is that it means you don’t need your partner; it means you want them, but don’t need them to survive.
The Two Rock Climbers
Codependence is one person desperately clinging to the back of another rock climber, making it impossible for either of them to climb. Hyper-independence is climbing on a completely separate mountain by yourself. But interdependence is two skilled rock climbers on the same mountain, each with their own rope and their own gear, but who are tied together for safety. They don’t need each other to climb, but they choose to, because they know they are safer, stronger, and can go higher, together.
I wish I knew that interdependence was the goal, not codependence or hyper-independence, when I was in my 20s.
The Archway
Codependence is like two weak, crumbling pillars that are leaning on each other to stay upright. If one moves, they both collapse. Hyper-independence is trying to be a single, solitary pillar, believing you don’t need any support. But interdependence is the beautiful and strong Roman arch. It is made of two powerful, whole pillars that can each stand entirely on their own, but who choose to come together to hold up something magnificent between them. The goal is to be a strong enough pillar to create an arch.
99% of people make this one mistake when their partner is growing and changing: they feel threatened instead of inspired.
The Two Boats at the Dock
A relationship can be like two boats that have been tied to the same dock for years. When one partner starts to grow and change, it’s like they have untied their rope and have started to drift out into the open sea. The partner who is still tied to the dock can feel panicked and threatened by this. Their instinct is to yell, “Come back!” But a healthier response is to be inspired. It is to say, “That looks amazing! Untie my rope, too! Let’s go explore this new ocean together.”
This one small action of celebrating your partner’s personal growth will change the dynamic of your relationship forever.
The Graduation Party
When your partner is working hard on their personal growth, they are like a student who is taking a difficult class. They are studying, they are struggling, they are learning. When they have a breakthrough or a small victory, it is like they have just passed a major exam. Celebrating that growth is like throwing them a small graduation party. It is the act of saying, “I see your hard work, I am so proud of you, and your success is my success.” It transforms you from a passive observer into their biggest supporter.
Use your relationship to expand your world, not to shrink it.
The Window vs. The Wall
A relationship can be a wall, closing you off from the rest of the world, making your life smaller and more insular. You stop seeing friends, you stop trying new things, and your world shrinks to the size of your living room. Or, a relationship can be a giant window. It can be a beautiful new lens through which you can see the world in a more vibrant and expansive way. It should inspire you to see more, do more, and be more, together. Make sure you are building a window, not a wall.
Stop letting your insecurities sabotage a good relationship. Do work on building your self-esteem.
The Saboteur in the Cockpit
Your insecurity is a saboteur that you have allowed into the cockpit of your relationship. When things are going smoothly, the saboteur will start whispering in your ear, “This is too good to be true. They don’t really love you.” Then, it will start pushing buttons and flipping switches, trying to create turbulence, because chaos feels more familiar than calm. You have to have the courage to identify that saboteur and kick them out of the cockpit, so that you and your partner can actually enjoy the flight.
Stop making your partner your entire world. Do have a rich and fulfilling life outside of your relationship.
The Sun and the Solar System
When you make your partner the sun, the moon, and all the stars in your personal universe, you are creating a very small and fragile solar system. If they have a bad day, your entire world goes dark. A healthy relationship is one where your partner is the sun, but you also have other beautiful planets and moons in your orbit—your friends, your hobbies, your career. A rich and diverse solar system is much more resilient, and it makes you a much more interesting planet for your sun to be around.
The #1 secret for a relationship that is a true partnership of equals is to have a life you love outside of it.
The Two CEOs
A true partnership is like the relationship between two powerful and successful CEOs of their own separate, thriving companies. They come together as equals, not out of need, but out of a desire to create a powerful joint venture. They admire each other’s success, they respect each other’s autonomy, and they know that their partnership is a choice, not a necessity. When you have a life you love outside the relationship, you are the CEO of your own amazing company, and you can partner with another CEO as an equal.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably more selfish in your relationship than you realize.
The Unseen Camera
We are all the main character in the movie of our own life, and the camera is always pointed at us. We are intimately aware of our own needs, our own struggles, and our own good intentions. Because of this, it is very easy to forget that our partner is also the main character in their own movie. To be less selfish, you have to consciously take the camera off of yourself and turn it around. You have to make an effort to see the world from the perspective of their movie for a while.
The reason you’re not growing as a person is because your relationship is too comfortable.
The Lobster and its Shell
A lobster grows by shedding its hard, protective shell. The moment it sheds its shell, it is soft, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. This discomfort is the necessary prerequisite for its growth into a bigger, stronger shell. A relationship that is too comfortable is like a lobster that refuses to ever shed its shell. It feels safe, but it is a prison that prevents any and all growth. True personal growth requires you to be willing to step out of the comfortable shell of your old self and to tolerate the temporary discomfort of being vulnerable.
If you’re still not challenging each other to be better, you’re losing your potential.
The Personal Trainer
A good partner is not just a cheerleader who tells you you’re perfect just the way you are. A great partner is also a loving, supportive, and brilliant personal trainer. They see the strength and potential you have that you might not see in yourself. They lovingly challenge you to do one more rep, to lift a heavier weight, and to push past your self-imposed limits. They don’t do this because they think you are weak; they do it because they know you are strong.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about personal development is that it’s a linear process; it’s messy and cyclical.
The Spiral Staircase
We think personal growth should be a straight, upward line, like climbing a ladder. But it’s not. It is a spiral staircase. You will often find yourself circling back to the same view, the same old issue, but from a slightly higher vantage point. It can feel frustrating, like you’re not making any progress. But you are. You are not stuck in a loop; you are in a spiral. You are not back where you started; you are just looking at an old problem from a new, higher, and wiser perspective.
I wish I knew that it was okay to outgrow a relationship that was no longer serving my growth when I was younger.
The Old Pair of Shoes
A relationship can be like a favorite pair of shoes. It can be comfortable, familiar, and can take you on some amazing journeys. But as you grow and change, your feet can get bigger. Continuing to stay in a relationship that is stunting your growth is like forcing your feet into a pair of shoes that are now two sizes too small. It is painful, it is damaging, and it prevents you from being able to walk. It is okay to be grateful for the journey you had in those shoes, and to lovingly put them aside so you can find a pair that fits the person you have become.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are feeling stuck in their life: they blame their relationship instead of their own inaction.
The Anchor and the Ship
When you feel stuck in your life, it is easy to look at your relationship as the heavy anchor that is holding your ship in place. You blame the anchor for your lack of movement. But very often, the problem is not the anchor. The problem is that you, the captain of the ship, have not yet hoisted the sails, plotted a new course, or turned the wheel. You are blaming the anchor for a problem that is actually about your own fear of sailing into a new, unknown sea.
This one small habit of taking a personal development course with your partner will change how you grow together forever.
The Two Students in the Same Class
When you take a personal development course together, you are no longer just two individuals on your own separate journeys. You are now two students, sitting at the same desk, learning a new subject together. You have a shared textbook of new ideas, a common language of new concepts, and a joint homework assignment of practicing your new skills. It transforms personal growth from a solo project into an exciting, collaborative, and deeply connecting team effort.
Use your relationship to learn how to be a better communicator, a more patient person, and a more loving human being.
The Ultimate Classroom
Your relationship is the most challenging, important, and rewarding classroom you will ever be in. Your partner is not just your partner; they are also your professor, and your most difficult subject. Every single day, you are being given a new lesson in communication, a pop quiz in patience, and a final exam in forgiveness. If you are willing to be a good student, your relationship will not just give you a partner; it will give you a PhD in how to be a better human being.
Stop letting your relationship be an excuse for not pursuing your dreams. Do find a partner who elevates your ambitions.
The Headwind vs. The Tailwind
A relationship can be a headwind, a constant force of resistance that you have to fight against to move forward toward your dreams. It makes every step a struggle. Or, a relationship can be a powerful tailwind. It can be a supportive force at your back that makes you feel lighter, faster, and more capable than you ever thought you could be. Do not settle for a life of walking into a headwind. Find a partner who is the wind beneath your wings.
Stop being afraid of change within yourself. Do embrace it as an opportunity for growth.
The Snake Shedding Its Skin
A snake must shed its skin in order to grow. The old, tight skin that once protected it becomes a prison that now constricts it. The process of shedding is vulnerable and uncomfortable, but it is absolutely necessary for the snake to become a bigger, stronger version of itself. The parts of you that you need to change are your old skin. Do not be afraid of the vulnerable and uncomfortable process of shedding them. It is the only way you can grow.
The #1 hack for a relationship that is full of mutual admiration is to focus on your partner’s strengths.
The Treasure Hunter vs. The Fault Finder
You can choose to be a fault finder in your relationship, a detective who is always searching for clues of your partner’s imperfections. This will leave you with a long list of flaws and a feeling of disappointment. Or, you can be a treasure hunter. You can go into every day with a treasure map, on an exciting quest to discover the hidden gems of your partner’s strengths, their kindness, and their unique talents. The treasures are there. You just have to be willing to look for them.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not taking enough responsibility for your own happiness.
The Captain of Your Ship
You are the captain of the ship of your own happiness. Your partner is not the captain, the first mate, or the navigator. They are the wonderful passenger on another ship who has agreed to sail alongside you for a while. You cannot blame them for the direction your ship is heading, or for the storms you encounter. You are the one with your hand on the wheel. You have to take full, radical responsibility for plotting your own course toward the sunny shores of your own joy.
The reason you’re so critical of your partner is because you’re projecting your own self-criticism onto them.
The Movie Projector
Your own inner critic is like a powerful movie projector. The critical, judgmental thoughts you have about yourself are the film reel. When that self-criticism becomes too painful to watch on your own internal screen, you often turn the projector around and aim it at your partner. You then start to see all of your own perceived flaws playing out on them. You are not actually criticizing them; you are just watching your own worst movie on a different screen.
If you’re still not practicing gratitude for your partner, you’re losing a key ingredient for your own happiness.
The Magic Glasses
Focusing on your partner’s flaws is like wearing a pair of glasses that only allow you to see the color gray. The world looks dull, disappointing, and joyless. The practice of gratitude is like taking off those gray glasses and putting on a pair of magic, multi-colored glasses. Suddenly, you can see all the vibrant, beautiful colors of your partner’s kindness, their humor, and their love that were there all along. The world didn’t change; you just changed the lens through which you are looking.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about a healthy relationship is that you never have to work on yourself once you’re in one.
The Two Musicians in a Duet
Getting into a relationship is like being a talented musician who has just decided to form a duet. A great duet is not created by the two musicians just showing up and playing. It is created by each musician going home every single day and practicing their own instrument, honing their own skills, and becoming a better musician individually. The health and beauty of the duet is entirely dependent on the ongoing, individual practice of the two people who are in it.
I wish I knew that the best thing I could do for my relationship was to become a better version of myself.
The Two Dancers
I used to think that the way to have a better relationship was to focus all my energy on my partner, trying to be a better dance teacher for them. I was constantly correcting their steps and trying to lead them perfectly. I wish I had known that the best way to improve our dance was to stop focusing on them and to go take my own dance lessons. By becoming a stronger, more confident, and more skilled dancer on my own, I naturally became a better, more joyful, and more inspiring partner to dance with.
99% of people make this one mistake when they are trying to improve themselves: they don’t ask for their partner’s support.
The Solo Mountain Climber
Trying to improve yourself without asking for your partner’s support is like deciding to climb a massive, difficult mountain, but not telling the person who lives in the basecamp with you. They will just see you struggling and leaving at odd hours, and they will likely feel confused, excluded, and worried. Asking for their support is like inviting them into the planning tent and saying, “I am about to attempt this difficult climb. I am not asking you to climb it for me, but I would love it if you could help me pack my supplies and cheer for me from the base.”
This one small action of asking your partner, “How can I support you in your goals?” will change your bond forever.
The Expedition Outfitter
When your partner has a big goal, it’s like they are an adventurer who is about to embark on a major expedition. Asking, “How can I support you?” is like being the expert expedition outfitter. You are not going on the journey for them, but you are thoughtfully helping them pack their bags. You are asking, “What gear do you need? Do you need me to handle the logistics back at basecamp? Do you need me to just be the person who believes you can do it?” It makes you an essential part of their team.
Use your relationship as a source of inspiration, not desperation.
The Full Well vs. The Empty Well
A relationship born of desperation is like two thirsty people with empty buckets, coming to a well that is also empty, and then blaming each other for the lack of water. A relationship that is a source of inspiration is like two people who have each dug their own full, deep wells, who then come together to share their abundance. They are not there to take; they are there to share. And the wonderful secret is that when two full wells are joined, they create a river.
Stop letting your relationship define you. Do let it be a part of you, but not the whole of you.
The House You Live In
Your relationship is the beautiful, comfortable house that you live in. It is a huge and important part of your life. But it is not the whole city. You must not forget that outside your front door, there is a vibrant and exciting city of your own interests, your own friends, and your own purpose. A healthy life is one where you love the house you live in, but you also love to walk out the front door and explore the amazing city that is the rest of your life.
Stop being so attached to the outcome of your relationship. Do focus on being the best partner you can be today.
The Gardener and the Weather
Being attached to the outcome of your relationship is like a gardener being obsessed with controlling the weather. It is a source of constant anxiety, and it is completely out of your control. A wiser approach is to be the best possible gardener you can be, today. Focus on the things you can control: preparing the soil of your own self-worth, planting the seeds of kindness, and pulling the weeds of your own bad habits. You cannot control the weather, but you can control the quality of your garden.
The #1 secret for a relationship that is a safe haven is to make it a judgment-free zone.
The Emotional Hospital
The world can be a harsh and judgmental place. A great relationship should be the one place you can go to heal from that. It should be an emotional hospital with a big sign on the door that says “Judgment-Free Zone.” It is the safe, sterile environment where you can show your partner your deepest wounds, your ugliest fears, and your messiest mistakes, and know that you will be met not with judgment, but with the gentle, healing hands of unconditional acceptance.
I’m just going to say it: You’re probably not as self-aware as you think you are.
The Smudge on Your Own Nose
A lack of self-awareness is like walking around all day with a big smudge of chocolate on your nose. You are completely unaware of it, but it is the first thing everyone else notices about you. You might even be giving other people advice on how to be cleaner, all while you have a giant smudge on your own face. You cannot see your own smudge. You need a trusted mirror—a good friend, a therapist, or a brave partner—to show you what you cannot see on your own.
The reason you’re not happy is because you’re looking for happiness in a person instead of in a purpose.
The Beautiful Car with No Destination
Finding a wonderful partner is like being given a beautiful, top-of-the-line sports car. It’s exciting, it’s fun to be in, and it’s a wonderful addition to your life. But a car, no matter how beautiful, cannot give you a destination. If you have no purpose, no map, and no idea where you are going, you will just be two people, sitting in a beautiful car in a garage. A purpose is the map that tells you where to drive the amazing car you have been given.
If you’re still not taking care of your physical and mental health, you’re losing your ability to be a present and energetic partner.
The Leaky Battery
Your own health and energy are the battery that powers your ability to show up in your relationship. If you are not sleeping, eating well, or managing your stress, you are allowing that battery to leak its power all day long. By the time you get home to your partner, your battery is in the red zone, and you have no energy left for connection, for intimacy, or for fun. Taking care of yourself is the non-negotiable act of plugging yourself in and keeping your own battery fully charged.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about personal growth is that it’s all about achieving goals; it’s about who you become in the process.
The Mountain Summit
We think that personal growth is about reaching the summit of the mountain. We are obsessed with the goal, with the moment we can plant our flag at the top. But the real growth doesn’t happen on the summit. It happens on the grueling, sweaty, and difficult climb. It is in the process of facing your fears, of developing your resilience, and of pushing past your limits that you become a different person. The summit is just the bonus view; the real prize is the person you had to become to get there.
I wish I knew that personal growth was a lifelong journey, not a destination, when I was younger.
The Horizon
I used to think that personal growth was a destination, a distant, fixed city on a map that I could one day arrive at and then be “done.” I thought one day I would finally be “healed” or “enlightened.” I wish I had known that personal growth is not a city; it is the horizon. It is a beautiful, ever-present line that you are always moving toward, but that you never actually reach. The joy is not in arriving at the horizon, but in the beautiful, endless, and ever-expanding journey toward it.
99% of couples make this one mistake with their individual goals: they see them as competition.
The Two Separate Ladders
When a couple sees their individual goals as a competition, it’s like they have placed two separate ladders against a wall and are racing to see who can get to the top first. It is an individualistic and lonely climb. A supportive couple understands that they are not on separate ladders. They are a two-person team, climbing the same ladder. One person might be climbing a few rungs while the other spots them from below, and then they switch. The goal is not for one person to win, but for the team to ascend together.
This one small habit of being each other’s biggest cheerleader will change your success as individuals and as a couple forever.
The Wind in the Sails
Your partner’s belief in you can be the powerful, invisible wind that fills the sails of your ship and propels you toward the shore of your dreams. On the days when you are becalmed, when you feel like you have no energy left to move forward, their cheerleading is the gust of wind that gets you moving again. Being that wind for your partner, and allowing them to be that wind for you, is the secret to ensuring that both of your ships will eventually reach their destination.
Use your relationship to become more of who you truly are, not less.
The Amplifier
A healthy relationship is an amplifier. It takes the quiet, beautiful music that is already playing inside you and it turns up the volume, so that you, and the world, can hear it more clearly. An unhealthy relationship is a mute button. It takes that same beautiful music and it silences it, forcing you to be a smaller, quieter version of yourself. Find a partner who is not afraid to turn your music up loud.