My Midlife Divorce Cost Me $100,000. Here Are the 5 Mistakes I Made.

My Midlife Divorce Cost Me $100,000. Here Are the 5 Mistakes I Made.

The Expensive Lessons from a Financial Bloodbath

My divorce at forty-eight was a financial bloodbath. Mistake one: I hired a bulldog lawyer who just wanted to fight, racking up huge bills. Mistake two: I fought over sentimental items, spending thousands in legal fees for a five-hundred-dollar couch. Mistake three: I didn’t get a clear picture of our finances beforehand. Mistake four: I let my emotions drive my financial decisions. And mistake five: I underestimated the long-term cost of spousal support. Those mistakes cost me over one hundred thousand dollars. I learned that in a divorce, your primary goal should be a fair, swift, and cheap exit.

I’m 45, Divorced, and Happier Than I’ve Ever Been. This Is My Story.

Trading a “Perfect” Life for a Real One

On paper, I had it all: a twenty-year marriage, a beautiful house, two great kids. In reality, I was suffocatingly lonely. The decision to divorce at forty-three was terrifying. The first year was brutal—financial stress, guilt, and fear. But then, something shifted. I started rediscovering myself. I took up painting, I traveled solo, I built deep, authentic friendships. Now, at forty-five, my life is smaller and less perfect on paper. But it’s mine. And the quiet, authentic happiness I feel now is something my old “perfect” life could never provide.

The First 6 Months After a Midlife Divorce: A Survival Guide.

The Longest, Hardest Winter of My Life

The first six months after my husband left were a blur of grief and logistics. My survival guide was simple. First, I got a therapist immediately. I needed a neutral party to process the emotional tsunami. Second, I automated my finances as much as possible, as my brain was too foggy for complex decisions. Third, I forced myself to go for a walk every single day, just to get sunlight and move my body. And fourth, I gave myself permission to be a mess. I didn’t try to be a superhero. I just focused on surviving one day at a time.

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce Without Destroying Them.

The Hardest Conversation We Ever Had as Parents

Telling our two teenage kids we were divorcing was our worst nightmare. We followed the advice of a family therapist. We sat them down together and presented a united front. We used a simple, honest script: “Mom and Dad have decided it’s best for us to live in separate houses. This is a grown-up problem, and it is not your fault. We both love you more than anything, and that will never change.” We didn’t blame each other. We answered their questions honestly. It was heartbreaking, but presenting it as a team decision protected them from the conflict.

The Soul-Crushing Reality of Dating Apps in Your 40s (And How to Win).

My Swipe-Right Journey Through Hell

After my divorce, I downloaded the dating apps. It was soul-crushing. I saw pictures of men holding up fish, endless gym selfies, and profiles full of clichés. I went on a few terrible dates and was ready to give up. My “win” came when I changed my strategy. I wrote a brutally honest, funny profile that showcased my real personality. And I treated it like a numbers game. I decided I would go on twenty “coffee dates”—one hour, low-stakes meetings—to practice my conversation skills. On date number seventeen, I met someone wonderful.

I Lost All Our “Couple Friends” in the Divorce. Here’s How I Built a New Tribe.

The Social Aftershock of a Split

When my wife and I divorced, I assumed our “couple friends” would stick by me. I was wrong. The dinner party invitations stopped. It became too awkward for them to choose sides. The social loneliness was a surprising and painful aftershock. I had to build a new tribe from scratch. I joined a hiking group. I started taking a weekly class. I reconnected with old college friends. It was a slow process, but I gradually built a new network of friends who knew me as “Mark,” not as one half of a couple.

The Financial Checklist for Anyone Considering a Midlife Divorce.

The “Know Before You Go” List

Contemplating divorce at fifty was terrifying, especially the financial part. Before I even hired a lawyer, I created a financial checklist. I gathered all our financial documents: bank statements, investment accounts, tax returns, mortgage statements. I got a copy of my credit report. I made a detailed list of all our assets and debts. And I had a quiet consultation with a financial advisor to understand the long-term implications of different settlement scenarios. Having all this information before the process started gave me a sense of power and control in a powerless situation.

“Did I Make a Huge Mistake?” How to Handle Divorce Regret.

The Second-Guessing That Comes in Waves

About six months after my divorce—a divorce that I had wanted—I was hit with a tidal wave of regret. I was lonely, scared, and I started romanticizing the past. “Did I make a huge mistake? Was it really that bad?” My therapist told me this was completely normal. She had me write down, in detail, the top ten reasons I had wanted the divorce in the first place. When the waves of regret would hit, I would pull out that list and read it. It was a powerful reminder that my memory was selective, and my decision was the right one.

How I Bought a House on My Own at 50 After My Divorce.

My “I Am a Phoenix” Moment

After my divorce, I was left with a small settlement and a shattered sense of confidence. The idea of buying a home on my own at fifty felt impossible. I spent a year aggressively rebuilding my finances. I took on extra freelance work, saved every penny, and worked with a mortgage broker to improve my credit score. The day I got the keys to my own small, two-bedroom condo was my “phoenix” moment. It wasn’t just a house; it was a symbol of my resilience and my ability to start over, completely on my own terms.

The Surprising Loneliness of an “Amicable” Divorce.

The Quiet Grief No One Acknowledges

Our divorce was “amicable.” We didn’t fight, we split everything fairly, and we remained friends. Because there was no drama, people assumed I was fine. But I was profoundly lonely. There was no villain to blame, which in some ways made the grief harder. I was mourning the loss of a shared future and a life I had thought I would have. I learned that even a “good” divorce is a death. It requires a period of quiet mourning that the outside world doesn’t always recognize or validate.

From “We” to “Me”: The Agonizing Process of Finding Your Identity After Divorce.

The Question That Broke Me: “What Do You Like to Do?”

After twenty-five years of marriage, my entire identity was wrapped up in being a husband and a father. A few months after my divorce, a new acquaintance asked me, “So, what do you like to do for fun?” I completely blanked. I had no idea. My hobbies had been our hobbies. My plans had been our plans. The journey from “we” to “me” was agonizing. I had to try new things, discover my own tastes, and get comfortable with my own company. It was a slow, awkward, and essential process of rediscovering the person I was outside of my marriage.

The Practical Guide to Living Alone for the First Time in 20 Years.

The Small, Terrifying Freedoms

Moving into my own apartment at forty-seven was daunting. I hadn’t lived alone since I was twenty-two. The first night, the silence was so loud it felt like a physical presence. I had to re-learn the basics. How to cook for one. How to manage my own finances. How to fix a leaky faucet. But with the challenges came small, surprising freedoms. I could watch whatever I wanted on TV. I could leave my shoes in the middle of the floor. Learning to be self-reliant again was hard, but it was also incredibly empowering.

How to Co-Parent With an Ex Who Is Having a Midlife Crisis.

My Zen Approach to His Red Ferrari

When we divorced, my ex-husband went into a full-blown midlife crisis. He bought a red Ferrari, started dating a twenty-five-year-old, and became completely unreliable. Co-parenting was a nightmare. I had to adopt a strategy of radical detachment. I communicated with him only through a co-parenting app, keeping our conversations strictly about the kids. I focused on providing a stable, predictable home for my children and refused to get drawn into his drama. I couldn’t control his crisis, but I could control how I responded to it.

The “Revenge Body” Is a Myth. Here’s What Really Heals You.

The Gym Was My Escape, Not My Solution

After my wife left, my first instinct was to get a “revenge body.” I threw myself into a punishing gym routine, obsessed with getting into the best shape of my life. I did get fit, but I was still miserable. The real healing didn’t happen in the weight room. It happened in my therapist’s office, talking through my grief. It happened when I reconnected with old friends. It happened when I learned to cook a decent meal for myself. The gym was a good distraction, but true healing is an inside job.

My Ex Got Remarried in 6 Months. Here’s How I Coped.

The Gut Punch and the Graceful Exit

Seeing my ex-husband’s wedding photos on Facebook six months after our divorce was finalized felt like a physical blow. My immediate reaction was a toxic cocktail of anger, jealousy, and a feeling of being “less than.” I allowed myself to feel all of it for a day. I cried, I complained to my friends. Then, I made a choice. I muted him on social media. I reminded myself that his journey was not my journey. And I focused on my own healing. I couldn’t control his timeline, but I could control my own.

The Legal Trap I Almost Fell Into During My Divorce.

The Verbal Agreement That Meant Nothing

During our separation, my husband and I had a verbal agreement about splitting a particular investment account. I trusted him. We were being “amicable.” When it came time to sign the final papers, that account was mysteriously not included. My lawyer informed me that our verbal agreement was completely unenforceable. If it’s not in the legally binding, written settlement, it doesn’t exist. That lesson almost cost me fifty thousand dollars. I learned to be amicable, but to get every single detail in writing.

The Social Awkwardness of Being the “Newly Divorced” Friend.

The Third Wheel at the Dinner Party

The first time I went to a dinner party with all our old “couple friends” after my divorce, it was excruciatingly awkward. I was the odd one out, the symbol of a failed marriage. The conversation would stop when I walked into a room. People didn’t know what to say to me. I quickly learned to seek out different social situations. I started joining groups and activities where my primary identity wasn’t “the divorced one.” I needed to be in places where I could just be myself.

How a “Divorce-moon” Trip Healed My Broken Heart.

My Solo Trip to Somewhere He Never Wanted to Go

The ink was barely dry on my divorce papers. Instead of wallowing, I took the money I would have spent on our anniversary trip and booked a solo “divorce-moon” to Costa Rica. It was a place my ex, who hated the heat, had never wanted to go. For ten days, I did whatever I wanted. I hiked, I read, I ate when I was hungry. That trip was a powerful declaration of my independence. It wasn’t about running away; it was about running towards my new, uncompromised life.

The One Thing I Wish I Had Done differently in My Divorce Proceedings.

The Battle I Fought That I Should Have Let Go

I spent ten thousand dollars in legal fees fighting for a specific week of summer vacation with my kids. It became a matter of principle. I “won.” But the animosity and stress it created in our co-parenting relationship was not worth it. Looking back, I wish I had just let it go. I learned that in a divorce, you have to choose your battles very carefully. Sometimes, “winning” a small point can cause long-term damage to the working relationship you need to have with your ex for years to come.

Re-entering the Workforce After a Divorce: A Step-by-Step Plan.

From Stay-at-Home Mom to Salaried Employee at 46

After my divorce, I had to re-enter the workforce after fifteen years as a stay-at-home mom. It was terrifying. My skills were rusty and my confidence was shot. I created a step-by-step plan. First, I updated my skills by taking a few online certificate courses. Second, I did some pro-bono work for a local non-profit to get a recent project on my resume. Third, I reached out to my old professional network. It was a humbling process, but that structured plan gave me the confidence I needed to land my first full-time job in over a decade.

The Lies People Tell You About Being Single in Your 40s.

The Myths and the Surprising Truth

When I got divorced, everyone told me the same lies. “Dating in your forties is a nightmare.” “You’ll be so lonely.” “All the good ones are taken.” The reality I found was quite different. Yes, dating is challenging, but the people I met were more mature and knew what they wanted. I learned to enjoy my own company, so loneliness became solitude. And I discovered that there are plenty of wonderful, “good” people who are also starting over. The biggest lie was that my life was over. In reality, it was just beginning.

How to Forgive Your Ex (Even When They’re Not Sorry).

The Act of Self-Preservation

My ex-husband never apologized for the affair that ended our marriage. For years, my anger and resentment ate away at me like an acid. I was waiting for an apology that would never come. My therapist told me something profound: “Forgiveness isn’t for him; it’s for you. It’s about you letting go of the hope for a different past.” I realized my anger was a prison I had built for myself. Forgiveness was the key to my own freedom. It wasn’t about condoning his actions; it was about choosing to no longer be poisoned by them.

The Conversation With My Parents About My Divorce That I Dreading.

The Phone Call Home

Telling my parents, who had been married for fifty years, that my own marriage was ending felt like a personal failure. I was dreading their disappointment and judgment. I finally called them. I simply stated the facts without drama or blame. And their reaction surprised me. There was no judgment. Just love and concern. My mom simply said, “We’re so sorry you’re hurting. How can we help?” That conversation taught me that the scenarios we build up in our heads are often far worse than the reality.

Decorating My “Post-Divorce” Apartment Was an Act of Rebellion.

From “Our” Style to “My” Style

For twenty years, our home was a compromise of beiges and “safe” choices. When I moved into my own small apartment after my divorce, I made a radical decision. I painted my living room a deep, moody blue. I bought a bright yellow velvet couch. I filled the walls with art that I loved. Every choice was unapologetically mine. Decorating that space wasn’t just about furniture; it was a joyful and rebellious act of reclaiming my own identity and creating a home that was a true reflection of the person I was becoming.

The Unexpected Joy of Solo Holidays After a Divorce.

My First Thanksgiving Alone

My first Thanksgiving after the divorce, the kids were with their dad. The thought of being alone was devastating. Instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, I decided to volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Spending the day serving others, surrounded by gratitude and community, completely shifted my perspective. I came home feeling full, not empty. I discovered that solo holidays didn’t have to be lonely. They could be an opportunity to create new, meaningful traditions of my own.

How I Learned to Stop “Trauma-Dumping” on First Dates.

The Verbal Vomit That Scared People Away

On my first few dates after my divorce, I was a mess. I would inevitably end up “trauma-dumping”—unloading all the pain, anger, and gory details of my marriage’s end onto a near-stranger. It was a surefire way to ensure there was no second date. I learned I needed to process my grief with my therapist and my friends, not with potential romantic partners. I created a simple rule for first dates: keep the conversation focused on the present and the future. It made me a much more attractive and enjoyable person to be around.

The 5 Types of Friends You Need When You’re Getting Divorced.

My “Divorce Support Team”

Going through my divorce, I realized I needed a specialized support team. I had “The Lawyer Friend,” who could translate the legal jargon. I had “The Been-There-Done-That Friend,” another divorcee who could tell me I wasn’t crazy. I had “The Distraction Friend,” who would drag me out for a movie when I was wallowing. I had “The Brutally Honest Friend,” who would call me on my nonsense. And I had “The Cheerleader Friend,” who constantly reminded me of my own strength. This diverse team was my lifeline.

My Divorce Lawyer’s Best Piece of Non-Legal Advice.

The Wisdom Beyond the Billable Hour

In the midst of a contentious negotiation, I was getting fixated on “winning” a particular asset. My divorce lawyer, a tough woman in her sixties, stopped me. She said, “I can win this for you. It will cost you five thousand dollars in fees and months of stress. Or, you can let it go and buy yourself peace of mind. Peace of mind is cheaper.” It was the best piece of non-legal advice I received. I let it go. She was right.

The Day I Realized I Was No Longer Sad About My Divorce.

The Neutral Moment

For a year, every memory of my ex-husband was tinged with either anger or sadness. Then one day, a song we both loved came on the radio. I smiled, remembering a happy moment, and then just kept driving. There was no gut-punch, no wave of sadness. It was just a neutral memory. That’s when I knew I had truly healed. The pain had finally receded, leaving behind just the scar tissue of a life lived. It was a quiet, profound moment of peace.

How to Manage a Joint Social Media Presence During a Separation.

The Digital Untangling

When my wife and I separated, our digital lives were completely intertwined. We had joint accounts and years of tagged photos. We sat down and made a plan. We agreed to post a single, simple, joint statement about our separation on our Facebook pages. We then methodically went through and untagged ourselves from old couple photos. It wasn’t about erasing our history, but about creating a clear digital boundary for our new, separate lives. It was an awkward but necessary part of the untangling process.

The “Divorce Glow-Up” Is Real, and It’s Not About Your Looks.

The Inner Radiance

Everyone told me I was having a “divorce glow-up.” They thought it was because I had lost some weight or changed my hair. But the real glow-up was internal. For the first time in years, I wasn’t contorting myself to please someone else. I was living a life that was authentic to me. The glow came from the absence of constant, low-grade stress and the presence of a newfound self-respect. It wasn’t about looking better; it was about feeling free.

What No One Tells You About Sex After a Long-Term Marriage Ends.

The Awkward, Terrifying, and Wonderful Journey

The thought of being intimate with someone new after a twenty-year marriage was terrifying. It felt like I was a teenager again. The first time was awkward and clumsy. But it was also liberating. I had to rediscover what I liked, what I wanted, and how to communicate it. It was a journey of sexual self-discovery that I had never had the chance to take in my youth. It was awkward and scary, but it was also surprisingly wonderful.

How I Set Financial Boundaries With My Adult Children After My Divorce.

Cutting the “Guilt-Strings”

After my divorce, I felt incredibly guilty, and I started overcompensating by giving my adult children money I couldn’t afford to give. I was funding my guilt. I finally had to sit them down and set a new boundary. I explained that my financial situation had changed, and while I loved them, I could no longer be their personal ATM. It was a hard conversation, but it was crucial for my own financial survival and for their development as independent adults.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Selling the Family Home.

Saying Goodbye to the Four Walls That Held Our Life

Selling the house where we had raised our children was the most emotionally brutal part of the divorce. Every room held a ghost of a memory—a first step, a birthday party, a holiday dinner. Packing up twenty years of our shared life felt like an amputation. I allowed myself to grieve. I took photos of every room. I walked through it one last time and said thank you. It was a necessary, painful step in closing one chapter to begin another.

The “Divorce Survival Kit” I Wish Someone Had Given Me.

The Box of Essentials for a Broken Heart

If I could go back in time, I would give my newly-separated self a “divorce survival kit.” It would contain: a gift certificate for a therapy session, a list of good divorce lawyers, a box of tissues, a bottle of good wine, the phone numbers of three trusted friends, a journal and a pen, and a note that says, “This feels impossible right now, but you will get through this, and you will be okay.”

How to Handle Your Ex’s New, Younger Partner With Grace.

The High Road is a Bumpy Road

The day I had to meet my ex-husband’s new twenty-eight-year-old girlfriend was a supreme test of my character. My inner monologue was screaming. But for the sake of my children, I chose to take the high road. I smiled, I shook her hand, and I was polite. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I realized that my grace in that moment wasn’t for my ex or for her; it was for my kids, to show them how to handle difficult situations with dignity. And it was for me, to prove that I was in control of my emotions.

I Started a “Divorce Club.” It Became My Lifeline.

The Weekly Meeting of the Broken Hearts Club

Feeling isolated in my divorce, I reached out to three other women I knew who were going through the same thing. We started a “divorce club” that met every Tuesday night for cheap wine and commiseration. We cried, we laughed, we shared legal advice, and we validated each other’s feelings. That group became my lifeline. They were the only people who truly understood what I was going through. We were each other’s therapists, cheerleaders, and reality checks.

The Surprising Things I Don’t Miss About Being Married.

The Small Freedoms I Had Forgotten

When I was grieving my marriage, I only focused on what I had lost. My therapist had me make a list of things I didn’t miss. The list surprised me. I didn’t miss having to watch sports on TV every weekend. I didn’t miss having to negotiate every vacation. I didn’t miss the sound of his loud chewing. It sounds petty, but acknowledging these small, daily freedoms was a surprisingly powerful way to rebalance my perspective and appreciate the upsides of my new single life.

The Healing Power of a “F*ck It List” After Divorce.

From a Bucket List to a “F*ck It” List

The idea of a “bucket list” felt too wholesome for the rage and grief I was feeling after my divorce. Instead, I created a “F*ck It List.” It was a list of all the things I had been afraid to do, or things my ex had disapproved of. Getting a tattoo. Booking a spontaneous trip to New Orleans. Cutting my hair short. Saying “yes” to every social invitation for a month. Working my way through that list was a powerful and joyful way of reclaiming my life and my sense of self.

How to Create New Family Traditions as a Single Parent.

Building a New “Normal”

The first holiday season after my divorce was looming, and I was dreading it. All our old traditions felt painful. I decided that instead of trying to replicate the past, we would create a completely new “normal.” I let the kids choose a new holiday activity—we went ice skating instead of to our old tree farm. We created a new tradition of ordering Chinese food on Christmas Eve. It was different, and a little sad, but it was also ours. It was the beginning of building a new family identity.

The Moment I Stopped Blaming My Ex and Took Responsibility.

The Hardest Look in the Mirror

For the first year of my divorce, my story was simple: he was the villain, and I was the victim. It was a comforting narrative. But it was also keeping me stuck. The turning point came when I forced myself to look in the mirror and ask, “What was my part in this?” I had to admit that I had been emotionally withdrawn for years, that I had stopped being a partner and had become a critic. Taking responsibility for my fifty percent of the breakdown was painful, but it was also the moment I took back my power.

“Grey Divorce”: The Unique Challenges of Divorcing After 50.

The Different Stakes of a Late-Life Split

My parents divorced at sixty-two, after forty years of marriage. It was a “grey divorce,” and I saw firsthand how different the stakes were. Their social circle, built entirely around them as a couple, completely imploded. There was less time to financially recover from splitting their assets in half. And the fear of growing old alone was much more acute. It’s a unique and challenging experience that requires a different kind of support and a different kind of courage.

The Psychological Impact of Seeing Your Ex “Happy” on Social Media.

The Curated Joy That Felt Like a Betrayal

A few months after our split, my ex started posting pictures on Instagram of his new life. He was on vacation, out with new friends, smiling. Each post felt like a personal attack. It felt like he was flaunting his happiness while I was still grieving. I had to remind myself constantly that I was comparing my behind-the-scenes reality to his curated highlight reel. The best thing I did for my sanity was to hit the “unfollow” button.

My First Year of Financial Independence: A Brutally Honest Budget Review.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

After twenty years of shared finances, my first year of managing my own money was a shock. I did a brutally honest budget review. The reality was harsh. My income was cut in half, but my expenses weren’t. I was spending way too much on convenience foods and not saving nearly enough. Seeing the numbers in black and white forced me to make hard choices. I cancelled subscriptions, started cooking at home, and set up an automatic transfer to my savings account. It was the beginning of my financial education.

The Book That Guided Me Through the Darkest Days of My Divorce.

The Words That Were My Lifeline

In the early days of my divorce, my brain was too foggy to process much. A friend gave me a book called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön. It wasn’t a divorce book; it was a book about leaning into uncertainty and pain instead of running from it. Her gentle, wise words were a lifeline in the middle of my emotional storm. It taught me that the goal wasn’t to escape the pain, but to move through it with compassion for myself. That book became my bible.

How to Deal With Guilt When You’re the One Who Left.

The Heavy Cloak of the Leaver

I was the one who initiated my divorce. I was prepared for my husband’s anger, but I was not prepared for the crushing weight of my own guilt. I felt guilty for breaking up our family, for hurting him, for upending our children’s lives. My therapist helped me understand that I could feel both guilt for the pain I caused and certainty in my decision. The two were not mutually exclusive. Acknowledging the guilt, instead of fighting it, was the only way to eventually move past it.

The Unexpected Friendship I Formed With My Ex’s Mother.

The Alliance I Never Saw Coming

During my contentious divorce, I expected my mother-in-law to take her son’s side completely. But she surprised me. She would call me just to see how I was doing. She knew her son’s flaws and wasn’t afraid to acknowledge them. She became a quiet, steady source of support. Our shared love for my children created an unlikely but powerful bond. Our friendship has been one of the most unexpected and beautiful silver linings of a very difficult time.

Redefining “Home”: A Journey From a House to an Apartment.

Finding Sanctuary in a Smaller Space

Leaving our 3,000-square-foot family home for a 900-square-foot apartment felt like a massive failure. That house had been my symbol of success. But as I settled into my small, cozy apartment, my definition of “home” began to change. Home wasn’t about square footage; it was about safety, peace, and a space that was truly my own. My small apartment, filled with only the things I loved, became more of a sanctuary than that big, empty house ever was.

I Wrote a Letter to My Younger, Married Self. Here’s What It Said.

The Advice I Wish I’d Had

On the one-year anniversary of my divorce, I wrote a letter to myself on my wedding day. It said: “Dear 25-year-old me, Don’t lose yourself in the role of ‘wife.’ Nurture your own friendships. Keep your own bank account. Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations. Your happiness is your own responsibility. This journey will be harder and more beautiful than you can possibly imagine. You will be okay.” Writing that letter was a profound act of self-compassion and a recognition of how far I had come.

The Checklist for Your First “Solo” Vacation.

The Trip That Proved I Was Okay on My Own

Booking my first solo vacation after my divorce was terrifying. I created a checklist to ease my anxiety. 1. Choose a destination that feels safe and easy to navigate. 2. Book accommodations with good reviews. 3. Tell a friend my itinerary. 4. Download books and podcasts for lonely moments. 5. Make a dinner reservation for myself for the first night, so I wouldn’t be tempted to hide in my room. That first trip was a monumental step in proving to myself that I was not just surviving, but capable of thriving on my own.