The biggest lie you’ve been told about dating is that your personality can make up for your looks.
The Audition You Never Get
My friend is hilarious, kind, and intelligent, but he’s also below average in looks. He complains that he never gets a chance to show women his personality. The lie is that personality gets a turn at bat. The truth is, dating apps are a visual-first world. Your pictures are the audition. If they don’t pass the initial swipe test, your amazing personality will never even get called in for a reading. Looks aren’t everything, but they are the only thing that gets you the opportunity to show everything else.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about networking is that what you know is more important than who you know (and who wants to know you).
The Expert vs. the Magnet
At a tech conference, I watched a brilliant but frumpy programmer try to talk to a venture capitalist. The VC was polite but dismissive. A few minutes later, the same VC spent 20 minutes talking to a stunningly attractive woman who knew almost nothing about tech. The lie is that your knowledge is your key to access. The truth is, high-status people want to be around other high-status (or high-attractiveness) people. The programmer knew the most, but the beautiful woman was a social magnet, and the VC wanted to be near her.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about social media is that you should be “authentic” and “vulnerable.”
The Performance of Authenticity
My friend tried the “authentic” approach on Instagram. She posted no-makeup selfies and talked about her bad days. She got some pitying comments and low engagement. Another woman I know curates her feed like a luxury magazine. Every photo is perfect, every caption is aspirational. She has a massive, engaged following. The lie is that people want your real, messy authenticity. The truth is, they want a beautiful, inspiring fantasy to escape into. Social media is not a diary; it’s a performance.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about friendship is that your friends want the best for you, even if it means you surpass them.
The Crab Mentality
I was part of a close-knit group of friends for years. When I started getting serious about my career and appearance, making significant improvements, a subtle shift happened. They started making small jokes, passive-aggressive comments. The lie is that your friends unconditionally want you to succeed. The truth is, many friends are comfortable with you only as long as you stay on their level. The moment you start to surpass them, the “crab mentality” kicks in, and they will try to pull you back down into the bucket.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about making a good impression is that it’s about what you say, not how you look saying it.
The Messenger is the Message
I saw two people give the exact same sales pitch. The first was delivered by a nervous, poorly dressed man. The clients looked bored. The second was delivered by a tall, handsome man in a tailored suit. The clients were captivated, even though the words were identical. The lie is that your words are the most important thing. The truth is, people decide if they’re going to listen to you based on your appearance and presence long before you open your mouth. The messenger is the message.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about status is that it’s earned, not granted to those who look the part.
The Earned Credibility vs. the Assumed Authority
My boss worked his way up for 20 years. He earned his status through grit and long hours. They just hired a new executive from the outside. He has less experience, but he looks like he was born in a boardroom—tall, silver-haired, impeccably dressed. People defer to him with a level of respect my boss never gets. The lie is that status is purely earned. The truth is, if you look the part, people will grant you a level of status and authority that others have to spend a lifetime earning.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about marriage is that it’s about finding a soulmate, not securing the best possible partner based on market value.
The Romantic Fantasy vs. the Sexual Marketplace
My idealistic friend spent her twenties looking for a “soulmate.” She ended up settling for a nice guy who didn’t really excite her. Another friend took a more pragmatic approach. She saw dating as a marketplace. She invested heavily in her own “stock”—her fitness, her appearance, her career. She then strategically dated to find the partner with the highest possible “market value” who met her criteria. The lie is that marriage is a romantic fantasy. The reality is that it’s the most important merger and acquisition of your life.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about being “intimidating” is that it’s a bad thing.
The Approachable Friend vs. the Respected Leader
A female friend of mine was told by a date that she was “intimidating.” She took it as a criticism and tried to be “softer” and more approachable. The lie is that being intimidating is a negative trait. I watched a senior female executive at my company. She was absolutely intimidating—sharp, beautiful, and brilliant. No one wasted her time. She was respected, not just liked. Being “intimidating” is just what insecure people call a powerful woman who refuses to be small. It’s a sign of strength, not a flaw.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about social skills is that you need them when you’re in the top tier of attractiveness.
The Social Game vs. the Gravitational Pull
I used to read books on how to be more charming and witty. I was trying to master the social game. Then I saw a truly beautiful person at a party. They didn’t need to be charming; charm was projected onto them. They didn’t need witty openers; people were lining up to talk to them. The lie is that you need to develop social skills. The truth is, if you are attractive enough, you become a source of social gravity. You don’t play the game; the game comes to you.
The biggest lie you’ve been told about your social life is that it won’t dramatically improve if you become dramatically more attractive.
The Same Person, a Different World
My friend used to be a wallflower. He was a nice guy, but he was invisible at parties and bars. He spent a year and a significant amount of money on a complete physical transformation. He came back looking like a different person. The lie is that his social life would just get a little better. The truth is, he entered a completely different reality. He went from being ignored to being the center of attention, from begging for dates to turning them down. He was the same person on the inside, but the world treated him differently.